«

»

Feb 04 2018

Superb Owl LII: Iggles and Patsies

I think I’ve mentioned I hate both these teams and I can easily think of 17 different things I’d rather be watching.

Except for the commercials.

Juste à côté. Recognize this one?

Yeah, who’d a thunk?

But it’s all about who you hate the most and it’s definitely the Patsies.

Why Tom Brady’s New England Patriots Are the Most Tainted Sports Dynasty Ever
by Robert Silverman, Daily Beast
02.03.18

I strongly suggest plunking down on your trusty Barcalounger at some point on Sunday and tuning in because finding a true, unambiguous villain—in sports at least—is hard to come by. The best part of it is, it doesn’t really matter.

First, despite all of the despicable things the Patriots are accused of doing, they’re hardly alone. Aside from the aforementioned issues with football itself, every team in every sport has played fast and loose with the rules at some point. That the Patriots are so brazen about it is a difference of degree, not kind. Second, it’s sports. Compared to the rest of the world, their offenses, shady marketing ploys and even lousy politics, are laughable and utterly unimportant. The universe has provided no shortage of genuinely awful and truly frightening people who not only abound, they’ve realized that they no longer need to feel inhibited by a sense of shame. RIP Shame. It had a good run.

Which is all the more reason why pointing a stubby finger and shouting “J’accuse!” at a professional sports franchise, and deeming it the be-all and end-all of awfulness, is so necessary. The Patriots are not the evil empire, to be sure. But they are a collection of miscreants who—unlike actual, real-world malevolent entities that never seem to receive any kind of comeuppance—might actually be pummeled into submission, if only for one glorious day. (Note: This will not happen. They’re going to win. Again.)

With that in mind, here are some of the more unforgivable sins perpetrated by the Patriots, who you should loathe with the fire of a thousand suns.

As previously mentioned, they cheat, and they do it a lot. ESPN’s Don Van Natta and Seth Wickersham took a deep dive into Spygate and discovered that over an eight-year stretch, right up until the moment when the New York Jets set up a sting to catch them, they were secretly recording opponents’ sidelines during games in order to decipher their signals. How often? Forty separate instances between 2000 and 2007, according to ESPN. They also allegedly sent low-level employees into visiting teams’ locker rooms to steal their play sheets, so the Pats would know opposing teams’ first 15-20 plays of the game.

When they got busted, their cozy relationship with Roger Goodell meant that not only weren’t they punished in a manner that might have dissuaded future bad acts; the commissioner tried to bury the scandal, going so far as to destroy the evidence the league had gathered during its brief, three-day investigation—which led to heavy criticism from then-Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA).

So when the Patriots got busted for cheating again, via Deflategate, enough NFL owners were still carrying a grudge that Goodell felt compelled to dole a draconian and kind of ridiculous four-game suspension for QB Brady, docked the team multiple draft picks, and imposed a tidy $1 million fine.

Brady also managed to convince a preferred charitable organization to funnel millions into his own foundation, and he ditched his previous partner, actress Bridget Moynahan, while she was pregnant for his current wife, supermodel Gisele Bündchen.

As for owner Robert Kraft, he’s a billionaire sports owner. There are no halfway-decent billionaire sports owners, but this one reportedly stumped for Donald Trump’s regressive tax plan, donated $1 million to his inaugural committee, and gave the president his very own shiny Super Bowl ring last year. He also gave millions more to build regulation football fields in Israel, and dragged NFL legends overseas to serve as unwitting props for Bibi Netanyahu’s political agenda. Needless to say, Brady spent a year playing coy about his support for his longtime dear chum, Donald Trump, after a Make America Great Hat was spied in his locker.

Similarly, Belichick, a humorless and soulless shell of a human being and yes, possibly the best coach ever, sent a letter of support using uber-Trumpian prose that then-candidate Trump read aloud days before the 2016 election. When questioned about his political leanings, Belichick somehow managed to say with a straight face, “I’m not a political person.”

Oh, lest we forget: the whole crazy Aaron Hernandez situation…and the fact that actual Nazis are rooting for the Patriots:

So there you have it. Let us pray that somehow these all-time football legends screw up. If so, joy and kindness, peace and understanding, and flowers and sunshine and rainbows will spread across the globe, because the Patriots are very bad.

Couldn’t have said it better myself, which is why I quoted it.

So it’s the Iggles and the bonus is that they’ll have to figure out what to do with Nick Foles who’s another one of these Colin Kaepernick-type backups made good that Throwball has no place for since they spoil the Pro Wrestling style narrative. Besides, it will be fun to watch crazed Iggles fans scoot up those Crisco coated lamp posts.

In Stars Hollow I have the misfortune to be swamped by Patsie partisans who I can tell you from personal experience are even worse than BoSox addicts (I know, it’s hard to imagine) so I keep to myself, mostly go out at night, and dream about hillside caves and goats.

170 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. ek hornbeck

    Team Intros

  2. ek hornbeck

    Somewhat disappointed in Pink. I’d have told them straight out to fuck off or done an on stage mic drop.

  3. ek hornbeck

    Patsies win the toss. Iggles will receive.

  4. ek hornbeck

    Iggles from their 25

  5. ek hornbeck

    5 Yard Pass

  6. ek hornbeck

    At their 49

  7. ek hornbeck

    Patsie’s 38

  8. ek hornbeck

    Patsie’s 4

  9. ek hornbeck

    Offsides Iggles

  10. ek hornbeck

    Iggles 3 – 0

  11. ek hornbeck

    Touchback Patsies

  12. ek hornbeck

    Solo

  13. ek hornbeck

    Turkish Airlines? Why?

  14. ek hornbeck

    From their 40

  15. ek hornbeck

    From Iggles 27

  16. ek hornbeck

    Iggles 14

  17. ek hornbeck

    Tied at 3

  18. ek hornbeck

    Danny DeVito M&M commercial

  19. ek hornbeck

    Bud lite is doing a Game of Thrones rip off. Dilly Dilly.

  20. ek hornbeck

    Iggles from their 24.

  21. ek hornbeck

    Patsie’s 33

  22. ek hornbeck

    TD. Iggles 10 – 3

  23. ek hornbeck

    Oops. 9 – 3

  24. ek hornbeck

    Vikings in a Dodge

  25. ek hornbeck

    Wendy’s but I’ve talked about them.

  26. ek hornbeck

    Patsies from their 19

  27. ek hornbeck

    On Iggles 29

  28. ek hornbeck

    Iggles 17

  29. ek hornbeck

    End of 1st Quarter. 9 – 3 Iggles. Check your pool card.

  30. TMC

    End of te first quarter. Pats’ ball on Eagles 8 2nd and 1 at the start of the 2nd quarter

  31. ek hornbeck

    Tide ad is funny

  32. TMC

    Sky scraper. A movie I think I’ll miss

  33. ek hornbeck

    Ouch. That’s why they wear cups.

  34. ek hornbeck

    Missed FG.

  35. TMC

    Pats’ held to a FG NO GOO

    Eagles 9 – Pars 3

  36. TMC

    Eagles 4th down, punt to Pats

  37. ek hornbeck

    Iggles punt. Patsies at their 37

  38. ek hornbeck

    The Bud Knight

  39. TMC

    LOL I’m 85 and I wanna go home. e-trade

  40. TMC

    Another Mission Impossible movie??? Why???

  41. ek hornbeck

    Fuck. Thursday.

  42. ek hornbeck

    Iggles 40

  43. TMC

    Helmet to Helmet hit. It didn’t look intentional

  44. ek hornbeck

    Avocado Anarchy!

    1. TMC

      Well the Wi-Fi went down

  45. TMC

    Seems to be a run an action/horror movies

  46. TMC

    Pats 4th down. Going for 4th dwn and 5. Incomplet – Eagles ball

  47. ek hornbeck

    Over on downs. Iggles from their 35.

  48. TMC

    Pats should have gone for the FG. Dumb move

    1. ek hornbeck

      I agree, couldn’t have turned out worse.

  49. ek hornbeck

    Are they all Tide commercials?

  50. ek hornbeck

    Patsie’s 42

  51. ek hornbeck

    Patsies 21

  52. TMC

    EAGles Toundown 2 pt conversion failed

    Eagles 15 – Pats 3

  53. ek hornbeck

    And Iggles 15 – 3 (another missed conversion).

  54. TMC

    Chris Pratt – Michelob work out

  55. ek hornbeck

    Chris Pratt as an extra. Funny.

  56. TMC

    Eagle kick off to Pats. Touch back

  57. ek hornbeck

    Touchback. Patsie’s 25.

  58. ek hornbeck

    Iggles 27

  59. TMC

    Pats 4th down again. Punt is GOOD

    Eagles 25 – Pats 6

  60. TMC

    Pats player will not return after head injury, not calling it a concussion, yet

    1. ek hornbeck

      Good.

  61. ek hornbeck

    Hmm… missed a FG. 15 – 6 Iggles.

  62. ek hornbeck

    Iggles at Patsie’s 40

  63. TMC

    Pats intercept ball at teir own three yd line

  64. ek hornbeck

    INT at Patsie’s 8

    1. BobbyK

      Was just about to post So far so good when

      Crap.

  65. TMC

    Patriot’s Touchdown

  66. TMC

    Miss FG again

    Eagles 15 – Pats 12

  67. ek hornbeck

    Patsie’s TD. 15 – 12 Iggles.

  68. TMC

    2 minute warning for the 1st half

  69. ek hornbeck

    Iggles from their 30. 2 minutes in 1st Half.

  70. TMC

    Other than the accent, I can’t tell Hemsworth from Pratt

    1. ek hornbeck

      True that. One was Thor, the other was Peter Quill.

  71. ek hornbeck

    Aussie Tourism with Paul Hogan!

  72. ek hornbeck

    At the Patsie’s 7

  73. TMC

    4th & goal at the 1 yd line. Going for the goal on 4th down

  74. TMC

    Touchdown Eagles

  75. BobbyK

    Nicely done.

  76. TMC

    1 pint kick is GOOD

    Eagles 22 – Pats 12

  77. TMC

    34 seconds ingame Pats willtry to get ball into FG range

  78. ek hornbeck

    TD Iggles. 22 – 12. Foles receives while Brady failed. 34 seconds in Half.

  79. TMC

    Pats short of FG range to end the 2nd half.

    Eagles 22 – Pats 12

    Half time with Timberlake. Time for real food. Sister-in- law’s Chili with rice and tossed salad

    1. ek hornbeck

      Oh, it is so on. Next time.

  80. ek hornbeck

    Done. 22 – 12 Iggles. Check your pools and prepare your barf bags for Justin Timberlake.

    1. BobbyK

      Wardrobe malfunction exposing trump underwear?

      1. ek hornbeck

        Nah. More general suckiness.

  81. ek hornbeck

    Wow. Cure Auto is in your face. “If you cheat on your auto insurance you go to jail. If you cheat at football you get to sleep with a super model.”

  82. BobbyK

    Well the band was blow syncing. But at least they showed a band. Meh.

  83. BobbyK

    The dancers were good too.

  84. TMC

    2nd half begins. Pats’ ball on their own 25

  85. ek hornbeck

    Patsies from their 25.

  86. TMC

    Pats Touchdown. point kick is GOOD

    Eagles 22 – Pats 19

  87. ek hornbeck

    Patsies TD. Iggles 22 – 19.

  88. TMC

    I can imagine the talk the Pats got in the locker room. Hoping the Eagles can pull this off

  89. ek hornbeck

    Penalty. Iggles from their 15.

  90. ek hornbeck

    Iggles 34

  91. ek hornbeck

    Patsies 44

  92. ek hornbeck

    Patsies 25

  93. TMC

    Eagles on 22 yd line. FG range

  94. TMC

    Eagles Touchdown. Will most likely be reviewed

  95. TMC

    Ruling stands. Touchdown eagles

  96. ek hornbeck

    TD. Iggles 29 – 19.

  97. TMC

    Extra point is GOOD

    Eagles 29 – Pats 19

  98. TMC

    Internet is pissed at Rams commercial that used MLK legacy to sell cars

    1. ek hornbeck

      Well… good to be reminded. Obscure speech. The man was a giant.

  99. ek hornbeck

    What the fuck do you mean bobbled on the last step? That was Out of Bounds anyway. Root much asshole?

  100. TMC

    Bud Knight in the stands

  101. ek hornbeck

    Well they returned it. Patsies 25.

  102. TMC

    Pats 1 st 10 on a defense penalty

  103. ek hornbeck

    Patsies TD. Iggles 29 – 26.

  104. ek hornbeck

    Infinity War

  105. TMC

    I awnt the dinosaurs to get to eat all the cast and crew at the end of the next Jurassic Park movie

  106. ek hornbeck

    From the Iggles 25

  107. BobbyK

    Circle of life.

  108. ek hornbeck

    Now from their 49

  109. TMC

    Eagles in at Pats 33. 1st & 10

  110. ek hornbeck

    From the Patsie 36

  111. TMC

    Eagles 1st & 10 at 23

  112. ek hornbeck

    Patsie 23

  113. ek hornbeck

    Iggles 29 – 26 at the end of the 3rd. Check your pool.

  114. TMC

    End of the 3rd quarter. EAgles’ ball at Pats’ 16 3rd down & 3 at the start of the 4th

  115. ek hornbeck

    A Scientology Ad!

  116. TMC

    This is a much tighter game than expected. The Pats have yet to have the lead, something they are probably not used to

  117. TMC

    Eagles 4th down at start of 4th quarter.

    FG is GOOD. With a flag against the Pats. Penalty declined

    Eagles 32 – Pats 26

  118. ek hornbeck

    FG. Iggles 32 – 26.

  119. TMC

    Bud Light. Don’t drink and ride your horse. Why is the horse drunk, too???

    1. BobbyK

      Budwiser: the beer the horses make.

  120. TMC

    So far no sacks in this game and only one intercept

  121. ek hornbeck

    Patsies from their 25

  122. ek hornbeck

    Patsies 40

  123. TMC

    Eagles need to cover Amendola better

  124. ek hornbeck

    Patsies from Iggles 7

  125. TMC

    Pats touchdown and takes the lead for the first time in the game

  126. ek hornbeck

    Patsie TD. Patsies 33 – 32. 9:22 Remaining.

  127. TMC

    Extra point is GOOD

    Patriots 33 – Eagles 32

    This is not good

  128. ek hornbeck

    Iggles Touchback

  129. BobbyK

    This is the point in the game the pats usually start running away with it.

  130. TMC

    Eagles Touchdown which is going to be reviewed

  131. ek hornbeck

    Crosses the Plane under control and even if it’s a fumble HE RECOVERED IT!

  132. TMC

    This new rule over ball control sucks

  133. TMC

    Touchdown onfirmed. Going for 2pt conversion

  134. BobbyK

    Two steps after catch. Breaks plane. Touchdown before he hits the ground.

  135. TMC

    Incomplete.

    Eagles 38 – Patriots 33

  136. ek hornbeck

    Game over. Iggles TD. Iggles 38 – 33. 2:21 to Play.

  137. TMC

    Brady SACKED. INTERCEPT !!!

  138. ek hornbeck

    He took 2 fucking steps! What do you mean is he a runner assholes!

  139. ek hornbeck

    Fumble. Patsies are toast. Stick a fork in it.

    1. TMC

      There’s still 2 minutes in this game

      1. ek hornbeck

        Do you have some Avocado?

  140. TMC

    2 minute warnig

  141. ek hornbeck

    Well, at least the game was interesting. The commercials not so much.

  142. TMC

    Eagles takng the clock down with a FG attempt

  143. BobbyK

    I hope they trick play and get the first down.

  144. TMC

    FG is GOOD!!

    Eagles 41 – Pats 33

  145. ek hornbeck

    Iggles 41 – 33. Patsies at their 7. 53 seconds.

  146. TMC

    Pats need a TD and a 2 pt conversion to take the game into OT.

  147. BobbyK

    Exciting finish.

  148. ek hornbeck

    4th and 10. 43 seconds.

  149. TMC

    Pats 4th and 10 from the 9. 1at down 26 asec and 76 yds to gp

  150. TMC

    That it.

    EAGLES WIN

  151. ek hornbeck

    Done. 41 – 33 Iggles.

  152. TMC

    Everyone here is jumping up & down screaming.

    Popping champaigne

  153. ek hornbeck

    Big players have already promised to snoot Trump.

  154. TMC

    Did I mention that some of my family is from Philadelphia???

    1. ek hornbeck

      What? You’re a Cheese Steak heir?

    2. ek hornbeck

      Whiz or Provolone, c’mon- dish.

  155. ek hornbeck

    Now I feel dirty. I need a shower. Maybe with Clorox and Steel Wool.

  156. BobbyK

    Defense came up big in last patriot drive.

Comments have been disabled.