Some premiers.
Facts, Hercule, facts! Nothing matters but the facts. Without them the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game. Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat… You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! I have nothing to point with now!… have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, What is the inescapable conclusion?
Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.
What? You idiot! It’s impossible. She’s protecting someone.
How do you know that?
Instinct!
But, the facts…
- ABC Family– Liar Liar
- AMC– Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Demolition Man
- Animal Planet– Planet Earth marathon
- Bravo– Real Housewives marathon (with premier)
- Discovery– Survival marathon (with premier)
- ESPN– College Hoopies, Florida @ Auburn, Indiana @ Wisconsin
- ESPN2– College Hoopies, South Florida @ Rutgers, Virginia Tech @ Maryland
- Food– Ace of Cakes (premier)
- FX– There’s Something About Mary
- History– New Conspiracy Theories!
- Lifetime– My Daughter’s Secret
- National Geographic– Naked Science (premier)
- Sci Fi– Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead, The Hitcher (not the good 1986 version)
- TBS– Save the Last Dance
- Turner Classic– The Pink Panther, A Shot in the Dark (Peter Sellers night)
- TNT– Hoopies, Mavs @ Bulls, Clippers @ Trail Blazers
- USA– Royal Pains x 2 (premier + Instapeat), Fairly Legal x 2 (Series Premier + Instapeat)
- VH1– Fight Club
Later-
- AMC– Crocodile Dundee
- ESPN2– Australian Open
- Sci Fi– The Midnight Meat Train, Being Human (Series Premier repeat)
- Turner Classic– Murder by Death, Casino Royale (the good, if chaotic, 1967 version)
- USA– White Collar (this week’s)
- VH1– SNL marathon
Dave hosts Kaley Cuoco, Piers Morgan, Wanda Jackson, and yodeling ventriloquist Alyse Eady. Jon has Kambiz Hosseini and Saman Arbabi, Stephen Chris Matthews (ugh). Conan hosts Marc Maron and Aloe Blacc.
New York City, Mr. Dundee. Home to seven million people.
That’s incredible. Imagine seven million people all wanting to live together. Yeah, New York must be the friendliest place on earth.
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tweety launches into potato jokes again.