Formula One 2015: Sochi

It’s the second ever race in Sochi, famous for it’s summertime Black Sea beaches and it’s Winter Olympic-time brown, snowless hills and it is really kind of ill omened.  Much of the first Practice was lost when a Cleaning Truck dropped a load of Diesel on the track, the second Practice was in constant rain, and the third Practice (the one right before Qualifying) kind of stopped when Carlos Sainz of Toro Rosso pounded his car into a barrier after ripping off the left side on a wall.

He’s said to be ok, but he was going 120 when he hit and has been held in the hospital overnight (or not) while Formula One decides whether he can race.  You see it’s not whether he’s been concussed.  He has, you don’t decelerate like that with no effects, though they seem not to be serious, yet.  It’s really about what happens should he crash again (nothing good).  It has been only a year since Jules Bianchi died in Suzuka, the last stop of the Circus.  My money is that Bernie the Greedy, Cheating, Bribing (oh, the Bribe wasn’t about the money I stole from the shareholders, I was cheating on my taxes) Bastard makes Sainz race, because it’s all about the money.

You see, without Sainz, Bernie is only putting 19 cars on the track while his guarantees with the Track Owners are for a minimum of 14 and if he fails the financial penalties are quite substantial.

Take the issue of engines.  Engines you say?  Yup, they’re really quite important.

Next year Mercedes is providing their fabled Plants to Manor.  Manor?  Aren’t the one of the poorest teams?  Why, yes.  But these are not just any engines, these are leftovers from this year which any other team is FORBIDDEN to use.  Kindly, benevolent Uncle Bernie is graciously allowing them to play with his new favorite child’s cast-offs.

Favoritism is the rule, not the exception in Formula One.  Mercedes openly admits that only the factory werks Silver Arrow get the best, most up to date engines-

Since last month’s Italian Grand Prix, won by Hamilton, Mercedes’s factory team has had a different specification power unit to their customer teams Williams, Force India and Lotus.

“The decision we took is to do an R&D (research and development) exercise in order to learn more for next year and you can’t do this kind of exercise with a customer team,” Wolff told reporters at the Russian Grand Prix.

“If you go into a development direction, you can’t make eight engines because it could be the case that it was the wrong direction we went in.”

Bafflegarb.  But they’re not the only ones, Toro Rossa uses Scuderia Marlboro cast-offs too which explains why Red Bull doesn’t just snarf up their allocations from Ferrari and slap Hondas (the Gerbil on a treadmill of engines) in them and tell their developing drivers to “embrace the suck”.

Why does Red Bull need engines?  Well, they’re running Renaults which is the slightly less sucky twin Squirrel Power Plant and they basically told Renault at the beginning of the season to piss up a rope.

So Renault bought Team Lotus (well kinda, the deal is firm enough that they paid the back taxes so that the court didn’t confiscate the cars and equipment) and said- “Screw you Horner.  We’re a major international automobile company and you make soda pop.”

Then Chris went to Scuderia Marlboro who said- “We’re very sorry, but between supplying your ‘B’ team with our rejects, we also are committed to Haas now so our Maranello elves have a market for all the floor droppings they can possibly produce, lazy serfs.  Besides, are you demenziale, maniaco, pazzoide?  Why would we give our good stuff to our chief rivals?”

The Germans were more direct- “Give our best stuff to our competition?  Are you verdammt verdreht, verrückt, versessen?  Vögeln off.  Oh and yes, too much demand.”

So, the awesome twin Squirrel (maybe- you have purty lips, squeal like a pig for me) or the less than awesome Gerbil (I’m getting pumped from all this exercise!)?

Once Masters of the Universe who find themselves cut tend to be petulant, or get themselves a Reality TV Show and run for President, or both.  Chris Horner is no different and has been throwing his own tantrum- “I’ll fold my teams and go home unless I can get a competitive engine.”

Now this is a decision with a price tag attached- $500 Million in penalties.  It is also a threat.

Bernie needs 14 cars or he pays Billions in penalties.  He has 20.  Manor is a field filling Zombie, 18.  Red Bull packs up, -4.

Why, that makes exactly 14!

Haas rides to the rescue and becomes the new Manor (or not), 16.  Renault/Lotus says- We’ve had our revanche, au revoir, 14 again.

And most of the also rans are equally unhappy with the current state of affairs, except for Williams who are just grateful that kindly Uncle Bernie has hooked them up with Mercedes ‘B’s in that abused child sort of way.

Kaboom!

Greedy, Cheating, Bribing Bernie assures us Red Bull Engine Supply Is ‘Sorted’

Formula One supremo Bernie Ecclestone played down fears on Friday that former champions Red Bull could walk away from the sport by saying he was confident their engine supply problems were ‘sorted’.

Without giving any details, and despite reports that Ferrari had joined Mercedes in refusing to supply their rivals with engines for 2016, the 84-year-old sounded upbeat at the Russian Grand Prix.

“Everything’s been sorted out so I wouldn’t worry about it,” he told reporters.

C’est vraiment des conneries!

But why, why would lying Bernie lie?  Is it because of that multi-Billion dollar deal he has to sell out to Stephen Ross and the Qatari Sovereign Wealth Fund?

Couldn’t possibly be.  He has two other offers you know-

(W)hen asked on Tuesday about those negotiations, the sport’s 84-year-old chief executive told the Camp Beckenbauer Global Summit in Austria: “There has been a lot of interest and I would say there are three parties at the moment, where I would be surprised if one of them did not buy them (the shares) shortly.”

…

Max Mosley, former president of motor sport world governing body the FIA, said in June he did not think new ownership would bring an end to Ecclestone’s reign.

Nothing can possibly go wrong.

What kind of asshole wants to be called “El Supremo”?  Benito Mussolini?

Racy Stuff

Softs and Super Softs.  Jenson Button got begged back to McLaren, Alonso says he will end his career there.  Grosjean has signed with Haas.  The other Mercedes that gets blown away on the start anyway is on the pole.  Alonso has a 35 grid penalty, Merhi 20.  Perelli signs a 3 year deal.  Mercedes is virtually guaranteed a Constructors Championship today which comes with lots of money.  The Drivers Championship gets you a nice trophy to pawn and the best endorsement contract your agent can negotiate.

There’s other things, but deadlines you know.