The Daily Late Nightly Show (Chef Tony’s Tips)

1. I’ve got my turkey in the garage in a hefty bag full of anti-freeze. Does that work as a method to thaw?
2. I’ve got a nephew who wants me to make tofurkey this year. What’s the best way to let him know he’s no longer welcome in my house?
3. I like to serve my turkey with some cranberry sauce which I make with a hint of orange zest and red wine. The thing is… my kids like it plain. So, should I serve both kinds? Or should I leave my family and move to Barcelona and pursue my dream of being a dancer?
4. I have deep unresolved feelings of rage and they come out when I baste the turkey. I do what I call hate basting where I just jab it with the baster and pretend it’s the face of people who have wronged me. Here’s my question: Will that flavor come out in the turkey?
5. What’s the best way to fry the turkey without setting my house on fire? And as a quick follow-up question can you connect me to the fire department?
6. If I’m running low on turkey, can I just bust into a Boston Market, steal one of the rotisserie chickens, bring it home and tell everyone that ‘oops, it shrank?’
7. I’m in a new relationship and I’m dating a guy who walks around with a big hoodie and a mini stereo that blasts Reggae Town. In certain ways, I’m ashamed of him and even repulsed by him, but our sexual chemistry is like nothing I’ve ever experienced and for the first time in 30 years I feel like I’m alive. My question is: Should I tent the bird with foil? Or should I let it roast uncovered?
8. I’m trying to do a turducken this year and I’m trying to get the duck into the turkey, but the turkey is having none of it, he keeps running away. I got the chicken into the duck and I gotta say the duck doesn’t seem happy about that either. Um… it’s walkin’ funny.
9. I’m stuffing the turkey in a special way this year, before I ship it to a friend, where I put the stuffing in little balloons and stuff them in the turkey’s body cavity. And my second question is: are you a cop? … Also, can police dogs smell through turkey meat?
10. Sharla, maybe you can help me with something. Is it baby in the bassinet and turkey in the oven? Because I’m babysitting here and I’ve smoked a fair amount of PCP.
11. What size turkey would you recommend for 47 people? … I only want to buy one because it looks prettier on the table.
12. I enjoy a crouton-based stuffing with my Thanksgiving dinner, but my sister-in-law enjoys crack cocaine at all times of the year. Do I still have to invite her to dinner this year?

The way you cheat is by lifting a wheel and rail riding. More Turn Left racing tips-

Stephen’s guests this week-

• Tuesday 11/24: Spike Lee, Carly Simon, and Justin Bieber
• Wednesday 11/25: Gloria Estefan, Eric Greitens, Jake Wood, and Daniel Boulud

Warren Beatty, but only the second verse. There are two other names to be revealed.