Dispatches From Hellpeckersville-Now With Even More B*tchface!

I got my Botox for Migraine on Monday. This time, my doctor gave me just a bit extra in my forehead and temple area. After my last appointment, she changed my topiramate over to the new time release version and upped the dose. We’re trying to get me more pain-free or low pain days a month. Have I told you that those shots hurt? They do. The first time I thought they felt like bee stings, and silly me, I thought it would get easier. Ha ha ha ha ha, no. At least, it’s fast, all of those shots only take about ten minutes. Then I go home, slightly bloody, a little bruised and waiting for it to get to work.

I had a really bad month in January. I won’t bore anybody with the details, I’ll just say I was down more than up. Two bad fibro flares, less than the usual relief from headaches, and not being able to work as much as I wanted to just about killed me. I think I’m just going to call January a “mulligan” and start my year in February, but let’s face it, winter is not really my season. Unless what you’re looking for is a sarcastic comment, I can produce plenty of those.

The one thing that did get accomplished is that I’m a homeowner now. My name is on the deed to this house. I’m still not allowed to change a thing, but I do own half of it. One would think that would be a massive relief, yes? One would be wrong. It just made me realize that I am a worrier. I just traded one set of worries for another. Instead of laying awake wondering what we’re going to do about the house, I lay awake worrying how we’re going to hold on to the house. It’s stupid, I know. We are more likely than not going to be able to handle it, and life is going to go how it’s going to go, no matter how many hours sleep I do or do not get. So what kind of idiot lays awake thinking about this shit for hours on end? This kind right here!

Still, all of it could have been a whole lot worse. I could still be struggling along with no relief. I could be trying to get through this without Cleetus and my kids. I don’t even want to think about what that would be like. The very thought of shuffling over to the fridge, opening it and not finding a freshly sharpied kool-aid man face on the new pitcher fills me with horror. I find my kids a delight 99% of the time, and worth getting out of bed for. The husband is not too shabby either. They do for me when I need it. I just wish I didn’t need it. Or need it as much. Maybe I wish I didn’t still feel like they’re being cheated in some way? Because I do, a little.

The thing with the Botox, I guess I was hoping for a miracle, and I got one. But it wasn’t 100% is all. It’s so very weird to be grateful, overwhelmingly grateful for the light, and pain-free days, and then have that pain come crashing back. Sometimes it feels worse, but I would never trade it, you know? But when that pain does come back, I am miserable and pissed off to no end, and there you have the fly in my oinment.

When I just had solid pain, I learned to deal with it. This is more of a ride, and I need to learn to ride it, I’m just not that good at it yet. Not good at all.