Capo di Tutti

Have I mentioned I was capo di tutti? Well, I was. Right at the beginning, there was this hyper secret Executive Board training session which most incoming capos used to fête their team by buying an afternoon’s worth of booze (we do love our Chianti) and “bonding” (before we allowed women this usually consisted of a visit to a nearby strip club exotic dance odeum) and then head out to an extravagant dinner.

Because I was a revolutionary with an agenda I spent our limited stash of dollar bills (oh, you shake it so good, let me give you some sugar) on, you know, like training materials and tools. Each local was to get a visit at least once a month from a state representative who was to report privately (umm… this local is screwed) and publically (Yay! Local mumble mumble is hosting a kite flying day! Please send a delegation to ensure this is a big success!). This was my Howard Dean/Bernie Sanders strategy.

I had a team of the most kick ass and respected trainers in the state come in and I made time with each of them to hone their presentations and make sure they were on topic. As was customary the final hour was mine and frankly I’m kinda kick ass too.

But it was work and I didn’t stint the celebratory dinner (soft drinks- wine, beer, and a party Sub for lunch). We went out to Chuck’s Steak House which has a reputation it doesn’t deserve (the salad bar is flacid and the meat chewy and tasteless) because my research had shown it was the popular choice with my target audience.

My vice capo in charge of training and auditing local business plans and accounting had already developed delusions of grandeur and plopped himself at the head of the table, an act that did not go unnoticed by me. However capo di tutti? That would be me, any place I sit is the head, and I sat down right in the middle so I had the maximum amount of social exposure to bond with my team. He was somewhat disappointed with my casual assertion of authority, more so when the Waiter presented him with a check which was beyond his means and I nonchalantly waved and said, “Gotcha right here.”

I was not over generous with the tip. The food was terrible, the service middling to non-existant (20 minutes for a drink? I have thirsty people here!). It was not at all based on any confusion.

My point would be, that’s how you run a first Cabinet Meeting, not yesterday’s bootlicking sychophantic cluster…

TMC reminds me that though we are an adult site which talks to adults in adult language, among our readership is my cousin (while I remember her as a kid she’s pretty adult today) who occasionally reads my more humorous pieces aloud to her still impressionable children who are already convinced I’m a potty mouth since I long ago trained Richard and Emily and normally don’t operate under restraint.

I’m sure you can fill in the blanks.

The Original

Stephen

Now it’s not surprising that Stephen was able to find something amusing in all of this, but Chuck “Don’t call me Chuckles” Schumer?

Chuck Schumer

You see Chuck? This is why Amy is the professional. She can keep a straight face all the way through the bit.

Kids, do not try this at home. Comedy is not an inappropriate noise and a prat fall, it takes years of training.