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Apr 09 2018

Jelly On The Belly

You know, when I look back on it I’ve had a remarkable number of medical procedures, though I suppose that’s only if you don’t consider my advanced age (120+), none of which included looking up my penis. As far as I know, I’ve been unconscious for a lot of them and nothing inspires confidence in your colonoscopy, excuse me, lower endoscopy, than hearing the Resident say, just before you pass out, “We better use the big one.” Pro Tip- there is no “big one” they’re all the same size.

That’s a true enough story by the way as is the one about the Head of Department who tried to poison me with Potassium and the ICU Nurses that hated me enough that they bad mouthed me by handle at every shift change (my reaction? I didn’t know I was that famous.). Another Pro Tip- Hospitals are very bad places to sleep but you get the best views in ICU and the coolest beds. Yeah, “Code Blue” is a real thing, medical people should stop thinking they’re fooling us.

Anyway, among my least favorite is sonograms because they don’t really tell you anything and the Doctor ends up sending you back for an MRI. What’s icky is the technician slathers you with KY-Jelly and at the end you get a hand towel or two to scrape it off which never works so you end up peeling your shirt off when you get home (it does launder right out) and take another shower (you showered before didn’t you? Personal Hygiene folks.). It will frizz your hair unless you condition. Also they generally do it in places that used to be closets and between the equipment, your Gurney, and the Technician there’s not a lot of space.

MRI on the other hand is relatively relaxing. I know the Receptionist, we talk about our SAD, I ignore her Smoker’s Cough (the MRI Lab is right next to the parking lot). When they’re ready (early, early is best) you have a locker where you change into your non-metallic scrubs (including non-slip booties which you can keep since they’ll just throw them out) hand them your key and glasses and lie down and close your eyes.

High class joints have earphones, most make do with plugs and the Technician shouting at you- “Breathe In. Breathe Out. Breathe In. Hold it.” Buzz, buzz, buzz. Zap, zap, zap, zap. “Ok, you can breathe normally again.” I find it helps to hyperventilate a bit because sometimes they forget the “breathe normally” part.

If it’s with contrast they start you with an IV stick that I’ve had so many times I notice only if it’s done badly. If you’re a “non-compliant” patient they’ll pump it in really fast which will give you an arm ache, you should complain.

Not a big deal. You get in your car and drive home and did I mention close to the parking lot?

But I’m not talking about MRIs, Sonograms, or Colonoscopies Lower Endoscopies, or even Pornography, I’m talking about abortion and it’s not so much me as John Oliver-

You see, this is why you have to accept the principled stands of a Kevin Williamson who thinks women should be hanged and a Ross Douthat who only thinks Doctors should be hanged because any view that does not recognize abortion as murder of innocent babies is extreme.

Sorry. I think the right to privacy in personal medical decisions is just as important as the right to bear arms and I have 53 years of Supreme Court precedent on my side and you a mere 10.