Apr 29 2018

White House Correspondents Dinner (Updated!)

You know, this is supposed to be funny, funny stuff.

Why do I listen to it and hear a litany of failure?

Michelle Wolf 2018

Hasan Minhaj 2017

Larry Wilmore 2016

Cecily Strong 2015

Joel McHale 2014

Conan O’Brien 2013

Jimmy Kimmel 2012

Seth Meyers 2011

Jay Leno 2010

Wanda Sykes 2009

Craig Ferguson 2008

Rich Little 2007

Oh, maybe this is why.

Stephen Colbert 2006

(A)s excited as I am to be here with the President, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of FOX News. FOX News gives you both sides of every story: the President’s side, and the Vice President’s side.

But the rest of you, what are you thinking?

Reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they’re super-depressing. And if that’s your goal, well, misery accomplished.

Over the last five years you people were so good, over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn’t want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out.

Those were good times, as far as we knew. But, listen, let’s review the rules. Here’s how it works.

The President makes decisions. He’s the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down.

Make, announce, type. Just put ’em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration? You know, fiction!

Because, really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So, the White House has personnel changes. And then you write, “Oh, they’re just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.” First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring! If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!

It is twelve years now and the media is just as bad as it ever was, maybe worse. Vote with your eyeballs, it’s little enough to ask.

Update: Aww, Your Poor Widdle Fee Fees

Look folks, the point of today’s piece isn’t that Michelle Wolf was too tough on Sarah Huckababy Sanders who is a lying sack of crap, it’s that she wasn’t nearly tough enough. Trump is a traitor, a Russian Spy. His Administration is a Spy Ring.

Oh, it’s also an organized Crime Family but even Salvatore Lucania had some patriotism.

Celebrity Journalists are complicit. They’re accessories. They should be tried, convicted, and locked up. First Amendment my ass, they’re nothing but stenographers and propagandists.

They don’t even bother to hide that fact, instead they have this annual event to brag about the depth of their Rolodex and the shallowness of their reporting, and demonstrate to the Serfs and Thralls the coolness they don’t possess because their Audience hates them for being talentless sycophantic sellouts and Politicians despise them for being so easily corrupted, even the Congresspeople.

If I had one piece of advice to give Michelle it’s that the whole Steven Wright delivery thing doesn’t work in that room. Not that she’ll get a second chance.

I dropped spot remover on my dog. He disappeared.

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Next year Kathy Griffin with a severed Trump head!