O Canada

In English-

In French-

In French, translated back into English (Canadian Parliamentary Translation Bureau)-

So slightly more bellicose and christian than non-Francophones might expect.

Because we have a tendency to fetishize our northern neighbors as a peaceful, polite, and European style Socialist paradise, there’s a lot of pro-Canadian (as in, it’s 1937- time to get out of Germany to nice safe Austria) sentiment marking their 151st Independence Day.

Canada Day Twitter sure is filled with apologies from people in the U.S.
by ADAM ROSENBERG, Mashable
Jul 1, 2018

July 1 is Canada Day, the Canadian equivalent of Independence Day in the United States (basically). And because Canada’s neighbor to the south has become an out-of-control tire fire of political and social unrest, folks in the U.S. are feeling some remorse.

So they’re using the occasion of Canada Day to apologize. The holiday’s celebratory Twitter hashtag is currently overrun with various flavors of “I’m sorry” from U.S. residents who are very much aware of and embarrassed by our shared racist uncle who’s been charged with running the country.

Some of the utterances are vague “this situation sucks” acknowledgments. Others address The Current State of Things with more specificity. A few try to defuse the obvious tension with stabs at humor. But the common thread is, simply: “I am so so sorry about this.”

Many funny twts follow.

Now, given that we’ve made at least two attempts to conquer Canada (Arnold’s Expedition in 1775 and the 1812 Invasion of Upper and Lower Canada) I think we need a grand gesture to illustrate how truly penitent we are.

Thus, I reiterate my modest proposal of September 16th, 2017

I’ve been considering our current social and political condition and have arrived at the sad and reluctant conclusion that our Founding Fathers were all wrong about that “Declaration of Independence” thing.

Recent studies have shown that in terms of Median Household Income (the value separating the higher half of a sample from the lower half) the top 5 States are-

1. New Hampshire
2. Connecticut
3. Alaska
4. Maryland
5. Massachusetts

Hmm… that’s a pretty strong New England core, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Massachusetts, #1, #2, and #5. If you take a look at the map I linked you’ll see that some of our less fortunate neighbors are not so unfortunate either. New Jersey clocks in at #11, Rhode Island at #15, New York at #16, Pennsylvania at #18, and Vermont at #19.

That’s a fair swath of territory but if we open our minds a little and add States like Maryland (#4), D.C. (#7 and it should be a State), and Virginia (#14) we might find some charity for our below median step children Delaware (#26) and Maine (#44).

California (only #13 but the 6th largest economy in the world) eat your heart out, though you can have Washington (#10) and Oregon (#23) as consolation prizes. Frankly the rest should belong either to the Native Americans or Mexico, or for that matter anyone who will take it- I’m not particular.

I propose calling the North Eastern part Acela for obvious reasons and also because it’s so much more mellifluous than “BoWash Corridor”.

Now, here’s where I get radical.

Instead of declaring independence we get in touch with Queen Liz (who seems a good sport) and Britain and admit we were wrong and we’d like to be back in the Commonwealth please, and we contact Canada and get adopted as a new Province.

Think of the benefits! Universal Health Care! Good Beer! Curling instead of Golf! Not being hated and despised abroad!

I’ll pause and note Virginia gets to be the new Florida unless Maryland beats them to it. A not inconsiderable benefit in the light of Global Warming. To continue-

There are drawbacks I admit. Canada is not as Left as you think. Tim Horton’s coffee is terrible and their breakfast wraps have this inedible mystery sauce even if you specifically order them without it (though they do use these light and fluffy scrambled eggs instead of the hard boiled hockey pucks we serve here). A&W hamburgers are cooked Well Done. All hamburgers are cooked Well Done, it’s the law, order steak instead. On the other hand they have A&Ws, frosty mugs included.

These topics should be debated at a new Hartford Convention. I expect Dunkin’ Donuts will throw its corporate might in opposition though they shouldn’t because if they just serve better eggs they’ll dominate (did I mention terrible coffee?).

I missed publishing this yesterday because I was busy sweltering (102 where I was) and celebrating.