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Jul 05 2018

What did you do in the Second Civil War?

What?! You didn’t hear?! The electric twitter machine has been all atwit.

I, at my forward base- Stars Hollow North Lake, am in the heart of Red Cap country. Yesterday saw little MAGA activity as the apparent temperature was over 110. It was hard to distinguish the Red Caps at the beach because they had to take them off to swim, except for the ones with the Swastika tattoos.

My supplies of Tapenade, Brie, and Hummus are holding well though I fear in another day the Baguettes will be useful only as weapons. Evian is running low, soon I shall have to switch to Perrier.

As always I think of Mother and you and all the folks back home. I know our cause is just and I say with Sherman-

You people of the South don’t know what you are doing. This country will be drenched in blood, and God only knows how it will end. It is all folly, madness, a crime against civilization!

You people speak so lightly of war; you don’t know what you’re talking about. War is a terrible thing! You mistake, too, the people of the North. They are a peaceable people but an earnest people, and they will fight, too. They are not going to let this country be destroyed without a mighty effort to save it.

Besides, where are your men and appliances of war to contend against them? The North can make a steam engine, locomotive, or railway car; hardly a yard of cloth or pair of shoes can you make. You are rushing into war with one of the most powerful, ingeniously mechanical, and determined people on Earth — right at your doors.

You are bound to fail. Only in your spirit and determination are you prepared for war. In all else you are totally unprepared, with a bad cause to start with. At first you will make headway, but as your limited resources begin to fail, shut out from the markets of Europe as you will be, your cause will begin to wane. If your people will but stop and think, they must see in the end that you will surely fail.

If they want eternal war, well and good; we accept the issue, and will dispossess them and put our friends in their place. I know thousands and millions of good people who at simple notice would come to North Alabama and accept the elegant houses and plantations there. If the people of Huntsville think different, let them persist in war three years longer, and then they will not be consulted. Three years ago by a little reflection and patience they could have had a hundred years of peace and prosperity, but they preferred war; very well.

War is Hell.

Bob Harry @BobHarryD

My dearest Gladys,

I saw a man lose his life today. His eyes looked past me, toward what I did not know. I kneeled at my fallen enemy.

“I could’ve been on your side,” he revealed between coughs. “But for her emails,” he said as he met his fate.

Nicole Michel @nicoleaoii

Dear Mama,

We’ve surrounded the unit led by Gen Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. Their food supply has been cut off & they’re down to the last of their Chick Fil A rations. We’re smoking them out with show tunes. Won’t be long now.

Rick Wilson @TheRickWilson

I stared at the dying soldier, his Alt-Reich Douchestaffel uniform covered in blood.

He gripped my arm, eyes wild with fear of impending death.

“One question…” he gasped.

“Anything,” I said.

With his last breath he sighed, “What is a clitoris?”

Fred Gorham @freddgorham

Dearest love:

As I slog deeper & deeper in this war, I came across a dying redcap. He told he was accidentally shot by someone thought he was a bad guy. I tried to help him but all he kept mumbling was something about “butter emails”.

A Red Cap song heard behind the enemy lines-

Scott Donohue @ScottDonohue1

We are a band of brothers
We come from shore to shore
Women rarely touch us
Because they are all whores
We’re celibate and hateful
But ready for a fight!
Hurrah for the MAGA hat
That came in the mail last night

Ranjit Arab @NotARaja

Dearest Wife,

Please allow me to unburden my soul. Earlier, at the Battle of Two Scoops, I killed an enemy soldier, a young lad who could not have been a day over 19. His last words shall haunt me for the rest of my life: “Womp Womp.”

Rick Wilson @TheRickWilson

Colonel:

During the 3rd Battle of Charlottesville we captured enemy caches of citronella oil, Tiki torches, and Japanese pornography.

Also, Trumpistani leader Richard Spencer was captured as he attempted to escape into a local Walmart dressed as a woman.

Charlotte Clymer @cmclymer

Dear Mother,

The Red Hats pinned us down until we were saved by the cavalry: women of color on horseback charging into battle.

Afterward, despite having no horses or expertise, some of the white males in our unit demanded to be in charge of the cavalry.

Fred Gorham @freddgorham

Dearest wife, Quick thinking saved my platoon today from the Red Hats as we erected a barrier out of Hillary’s e-mails, since they still can’t seem to get over them. War is Hell.

This song is as popular as “Stephen Tonight” among our side-

@shellaven

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord;
She is pissed as hell at Donald and his in-bred underlords;
She will trample all the Red Hats ‘til the White House is restored:
Her truth is Science-based!

Oh, “Stephen Tonight”?

We’re watching tonight on the old TV,
Give us some words to cheer
Our outraged hearts, a song of hope
And rights we hold so dear.

Many are the hearts that are outraged tonight,
Wishing this regime to cease;
Many are the hearts on the side of the light
To see true justice released.

Stephen tonight, Stephen tonight,
Stephen on the old TV.

There are about a million more verses, making them up is one of our chief amusements, well, that and reading.

Some of the troops have taken to Pilates and Yoga to prepare themselve for the battles we know loom ahead. I spend my time writing and honing my razor sharp wits. Sadly (for them) the MAGA are mostly unarmed.

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