Nov 09 2018

Serious Mendicant

I see now that I’ve been doing this all wrong. I am setting up a Facebook/GoFundMe/Patreon page to sincerely ask for your contribution (BitCoin and PayPal gratefully accepted) so that I can raise the $1 Million a day I need to live a normal life again.

My recent investments in lottery futures have not paid off the way I expected and the expense of maintaining our world wide information network in New York, Stars Hollow, North Lake, By the Sea, and Paris (told you we were world wide) is exceeding our resources and I’ve had to cut back on basic necessities like Caviar (now sadly Salmon Roe) which upsets my twin albino Persians Flopsy and Mopsy (Ick, fish eggs? I love them anyway. Mmm…Mmm…Mmm…Mmm…Mmm… Now, go kill a bird.).

I have had to halt construction on the Bösendorfer Wing of my piano collection (not that I can play, I just like to dust them… Hah! That’s really Cosette’s job.). Speaking of- Jeeves (my butler), Yves (my valet), and Auguste (my cook) will not receive their customary ek’smas bonus unless you contribute now to the limit your pocketbook will allow.

I drive a BMW instead of a Mercedes!

This is because I was forced to plead guilty for lying to the FBI about my Russian contacts during the 2016 Election after I drunkenly bragged about it to the Australian Ambassador (did 14 days in Stir and 200 hours of Service in addition to a $9,500 fine which came out of my pocket folks. Merry ek’smas Guillermo- he’s my pool boy).

I still have travel restrictions, not allowed to access my business network for the last two years, elements of the government have paused my wife’s work visa because she spoke out in my defense. Contributions appreciated until we are exonerated and allowed to live normal again.

Heather is quite agitated and has doubled her dosage of Diazepam and Chardonnay.

I am a young man who devoted my bright career to serve my country and help Donald Trump to become our President. I have been the victim of the biggest plot in American political history. While honestly working for the Trump campaign, I became the target of many shady forces to sabotage him.

I had a brilliant career that was violently interrupted!

So please, at this special time of year when people’s hearts and wallets are open and they are exceptionally gullible (it’s not in the dictionary, you could look it up), give as generously as you can and then some.

Note: The Stars Hollow Gazette and DocuDharma operate privately because it’s not that expensive and our expectations are low. Nobody is getting rich off this or trying to go viral for fortune and fame. We chronicle the impending apocalypse in ephemeral photons for amusement and therapy.

If your contribution is in the form of content we are more than happy to accept it and give it the prominence we can.

I actually own a Yamaha Piano. Bösendorfer is just a brand name that they bought.- ek