I’m Comin’ Out Today — As A Thirteenther!

(2 pm. – promoted by ek hornbeck)

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!!!  Do I have a FANTASTIC topic for your next Teabagger rally:

Iowa GOP jumps on the ‘Thirteenther’ bandwagon

A provision in the Republican Party of Iowa’s platform calling for the “reintroduction and ratification of the original 13th Amendment” to the U.S. Constitution got some national attention this week, with the party’s spokesman admitting the plank is focused solely on Barack Obama.

The current 13th amendment bans slavery, and Iowa Republicans are not in favor of its repeal. They are, however, interested in reintroducing an amendment originally put before the states for ratification back in 1810. It outlawed any person who accepts a “title of nobility” from a foreign country from ever holding political office.

Does that bring to mind a certain President who flew to Sweden to accept a Nobel Peace Prize that he didn’t earn?  Hmmmm?  (oh, wait . . . it already said it was about Obama?  That just blows my suspense buildin’ all to heck!)

I know it’s confusing (well . . . it is to me), so let me help ya out a bit.  Instead of activist congresses bannin’ slavery with the Thirteenth Amendment, here is what the real Thirteenth Amendment, known as the Titles of Nobility Amendment (or TONA) was meant to say way back in 1810 already:

If any citizen of the United States shall accept, claim, receive or retain, any title of nobility or honour, or shall, without the consent of Congress, accept and retain any present, pension, office or emolument of any kind whatever, from any emperor, king, prince or foreign power, such person shall cease to be a citizen of the United States, and shall be incapable of holding any office of trust or profit under them, or either of them.

Did everybody catch that?  

“. . . shall cease to be a citizen of the United States”

“. . . shall be incapable of holding any office”

Game, set, and match!  We don’t even need the birthers anymore!  

Unfortunately things are a bit murky in the ol’ ratification department.  It was ratified by 12 (-ish) states by the end of 1812, but South Carolina and Virginia got a little confused:

It has been claimed that the TONA had become part of the U.S. Constitution – indeed many printings of the Constitution during the 19th century erroneously referred to it as being the Thirteenth Amendment. Perhaps this misunderstanding could be traced to the mistaken belief that both chambers of South Carolina’s legislature had acted favorably upon the TONA when, evidently, only one body had done so. It can also be attributed to the mistaken belief that Virginia lawmakers had adopted the TONA, despite the long-standing assertion that there was a lack of documentation that either chamber of Virginia’s legislature ever having so much as considered the TONA. In general, 19th century procedures for communicating and recording the ratifications of constitutional amendments were haphazard, and some printings of the Constitution included the amendment out of uncertainty. Many other 19th century printings omit it.

Now, it’s vitally important to remember that there is no statute of limitations on ratifyin’ an amendment.  We can, and must, refudiate the current Thirteenth Amendment in favor of this version!  And so today I proudly proclaim my joinin’ of Thirteentherism, with an intention to exploit this movement for whatever it’s got.  It goes without sayin’ that this patriotic effort will require lots and lots of unaccounted-for donations.

Also, on an unrelated but no less ridiculous matter, it should be noted that one of the many deficiencies of this so-called “web site” is its appalling lack of standin’ up for beauty pageant contestants.  The latest victim is the lovely Miss Iowa, Katherine Connors:  

She was just mindin’ her business the other day when this happened:

Washington Nationals pitcher Miguel Batista inadvertently insulted a certain beauty pageant winner Tuesday night when he said the following quote while interpreting the boos he heard upon being announced as the emergency starter in place of injured Stephen Strasburg: “Imagine if you go to see Miss Universe, then you end up having Miss Iowa, you might get those kind of boos.”

The nerve!  Where does some guy with a name like “Batista” (papers, please!) get off insultin’ someone with a good American name like “Connors” anyway?  It made me really gosh-darn mad, even though it has nothin’ to do with Thirteentherism.

Or does it . . .

Nope.  I guess not.