Turkeyday TV

Well, it’s that holiday time of year again when all you want is some mindless entertainment to spare you from dealing with your relatives and TV programmers screw with you by replacing all your familiar favorites with sappy specials and marathons of your least liked shows made more inpenetrable by the one line crawl of uselessness that TV Guide channel has become.

Thank goodness kindly uncle ek is here to highlight a few moments of blessed distraction as well as some of the potential pitfalls to be avoided.

I look on it as a public service.

My job is made a little easier because of a neat little network ‘day at a glance’ feature of Zap2it TV Listings.  Click on the channel name.  I’m going midnight to Paid Programming since you might be busy with late night preparations and early morning celebrations or shopping trips.  I’m putting the main meat below the fold because the table is too long for the Front Page.  It’s arranged by time and marathons (4 half hour episodes, 3 hour episodes, double features, themes, and Instapeats) may be noted earlier than you expect, but they do also include the running time so you know when they end.

Nothing like watching A Christmas Story 25 times in a row.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Midnight 11/25

• Discovery– Mythbusters (premier Instapeat)
• ESPN– Sports Center marathon until 8 pm (with an exception at 3 am for a repeat of Heat @ Magic)
• Nick– George Lopez marathon until 6 am
• Turner Classic– I think I mentioned Top Hat

1 am

• USA– Psych marathon until 4 am

2 am

• Sci Fi– On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (the good 1969 version with George Lazenby)
• Turner Classic– Heidi

3 am

• Disney– Phineas and Ferb (until 4 am)

3: 30 am

• Turner Classic– Little Women

5:30 am

• Turner Classic– Of Human Bondage

6 am

• CNBC– Business Documentaries until 2 am
• TLC– Cake Boss marathon until 3 am
• USA– Burn Notice marathon until 6:30 pm

7 am

• FX– Kung Fu Panda x 9 (yup, until 1 am.  Hope you like Jack Black.  A lot.)
• MSNBC– Pedophiles and Prisoners until 5 am.  Yum.
• Speed– Dangerous Drives marathon until 8 pm

8 am

• A&E– First 48 marathon until 4 am (if it happens to be your favorite)
• History– Aliens! marathon (No, they’re really real.  How else would they be on the “History” channel until 3 am?  Breaks for The Real Story of Thanksgiving at 11 pm and 3 am.  I’ll bet there were Aliens! there too.)
• Lifetime– Will & Grace marathon until 11:30 am
• Oxygen– Running Russell marathon until noon
• Sci Fi– Thunderball (the good 1965 version with Sean Connery)
• Turner Classic– A Man to Remember
• TV Land– I Dream of Jeannie marathon until 2 pm

9 am

• CBS– The Thanksgiving Day Parade on CBS (exclusive The Stars Hollow Gazette liveblog)
• NBC– Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (liveblog, yes the same one)
• Discovery– Mythbusters marathon until 8 pm
• National Geographic– Earth-History marathon until 2 pm
• Toon– Tom & Jerry marathon until 2:30 pm
• Travel– Man v. Food marathon until 4 am (thank goodness)

9:30 am

• Turner Classic– Pygmalion

10 am

• Bravo– Matchmaker marathon until 6 pm (ugh)
• Nick– Barbie: A Fashion Fairy Tale
• TBS– Drillbit Taylor
• Vs.– Rocky II

10:30 am

• Sci Fi– Dr. No (Connery)

11 am

• Comedy– National Lampoon’s Vacation

11:30 am

• ABC Family– The Little Rascals
• Lifetime– Waitress
• Turner Classic– You Can’t Take It With You

Noon

• NBC– The National Dog Show (from the Kennel Club of Philadelphia)
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Boston College v. Texas A&M
• Nick– iCarly (1 hour special)
• Oxygen– Snapped marathon until 10 pm
• TBS– Major Payne
• TV Guide– Ugly Betty marathon until 2 am (told you they were fucking useless)

12:30 pm

• CBS– Patriots @ Lions (exclusive The Stars Hollow Gazette liveblog, a different one)
• Vs.– Rocky III
• VH1– SNL marathon until 4:30 pm

1 pm

• Comedy– Weekend at Bernie’s
• E!– Little Miss Sunshine
• Nick– Spongebob Squarepants (1 hour special)
• Sci Fi– Goldfinger (more Connery)

1:30 pm

• ABC Family– Mary Poppins
• Turner Classic– Beyond Tomorrow

2 pm

• NBC– Miracle on 34th Street
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Manhattan v. Wisconsin
• Lifetime– Love Actually
• National Geographic– Wild Spaces marathon until 8 pm (Secret Yellowstone @ 5 pm)
• Nick– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles Forever
• TBS– Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
• TV Land– Bewitched marathon until 8 pm

2:30 pm

• Toon– Scooby Doo marathon until 7 pm
• Vs.– Rocky IV

3 pm

• Comedy– Major League
• Turner Classic– It Happened Tomorrow

3:30 pm

• E!– Keeping Up With the Kardashians marathon until 8 pm
• Sci Fi– GoldenEye (Brosnan)

4:30 pm

• Fox– Who ‘Dat @ ‘Boys (exclusive The Stars Hollow Gazette liveblog, yet another one, you know how to root)
• ABC Family– Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, DePaul v. Oklahoma State
• Turner Classic– The Strange Woman
• Vs.– Rocky V
• VH1– Back to the Future

5 pm

• Lifetime– Mad Money
• MTV– That ’70s Show marathon until 8 pm

5:30 pm

• Comedy– Beerfest

6 pm

• Bravo– Real Housewives marathon until 4 am (except for Matchmaker @ 11 pm)
• Disney– Phineas and Ferb (half hour)
• Nick– Spongebob Squarepants Movie

6:30 pm

• ABC Family– Beauty and the Beast
• Sci Fi– The World Is Not Enough (Brosnan)
• Turner Classic– My Favorite Brunette
• Vs.– Rocky II

7 pm

• Disney– The Incredibles
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Georgia v. Notre Dame
• Food– Alton, Meat Balls and Meat Sauce
• Lifetime– The Break Up x 2 (repeat @ 11 pm)

8 pm

• ABC– A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving
• Fox– The Simpson’s Movie
• Comedy– Tosh.0 marathon until 10 pm
• Discovery– Mythbusters Punkin Chunkin (premier)
• E!– Bruce Almighty
• ESPN– College Throwball, A&M @ Texas
• National Geographic– Rise- Black Wolf (premier, Instapeat @ 11 pm)
• Speed– Hollywood Car Chases, parts 1 & 2 (premiers and 2 Instapeats until 2 am)
• TBS– Monster In Law
• Turner Classic– Night of the Iguana
• TNT– Wizards @ Hawks
• Toon– Adventure Time with Finn & Jake (premier)
• TV Land– Roseanne marathon until 1 am
• USA– Pretty Woman x 2 (interrupted by Elf @ 9 pm)
• VH1– SNL marathon until 1 am

8:30 pm

• ABC Family– Miracle on 34th Street (not the good 1947 version

9 pm

• ESPN2– College Hoopies, California v. Temple
• Lifetime– Beauty Shop
• Sci Fi– Casino Royale (Craig, not the good 1967 version)
• Spike– Live Professional Wrestling!
• Vs.– Rocky III

10 pm

• Discovery– Brew Masters (Series Premier repeat)
• Nick– George Lopez marathon until 6 am
• Turner Classic– Seven Days In May

10:30 pm

• TNT– Hoopies, Kings @ Clippers

11 pm

• Discovery– Mythbusters Punkin Chunkin (premier Instapeat)
• ESPN– Sports Center marathon until noon (with an exception at 3 am for a repeat of A&M @ Texas)
• TBS– New Conan!  What’s he doing working on Thanksgiving?  He hosts Jim Parsons, Marisa Miller, and Brendon Walsh
• Vs.– Rocky IV

11:30 pm

• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Tulsa v. UNLV

Midnight 11/26

• Sci Fi– Never Say Never (the not so good remake of Thunderball, but it still has Connery)
• Turner Classic– Mayerling

1 am

• Discovery– Brew Masters (Series Premier repeat)
• MTV– That ’70s Show marathon until 3 am
• Vs.– Rocky V

1:30 am

• E!– Little Miss Sunshine
• USA– Burn Notice marathon until 6

2 am

• Comedy– Team America: World Police
• Discovery– Mythbusters
• Speed– More Dangerous Drives until 5 am
• Turner Classic– The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean

3 am

• Disney– Phineas and Ferb (until 4 am)
• National Geographic– Earth: The Biography marathon until 6 am
• Sci Fi– The Man With the Golden Gun (Moore, ugh)

4:30 am

• Turner Classic– Ride, Vaquero

5:30 am

• Toon– Home Movies

6 am

• Turner Classic– Lone Star
• Toon– Ben 10