Can you pick The Onion without hovering your mouse over the links?
Not much of a challenge really, but if you just looked at the headlines you’d have an easy 50 / 50 shot at being wrong.
Politician Who Criticized Squirrels Gets Hospitalized By Squirrel
Maybe Howard Brookins Jr. will think twice before he criticizes squirrels again.
In October, the alderman for Chicago’s 21st ward went on a public tirade about “aggressive squirrels,” griping that the furry critters kept eating through the city-supplied garbage cans.
But Brookins had no idea just how “aggressive” squirrels could be. On Nov. 13, the alderman found himself in the hospital with a skull fracture after a squirrel leapt into the path of Brookins’ bike, wrapping itself in the spokes and causing him to flip over the handlebars, The Star Tribune reports.
“I can think of no other reason for this squirrel’s actions than that it was like a suicide bomber, getting revenge,” he told the Tribune.
Some outlets, like the Chicago Sun Times, covered the incident but simply referred to it as a “freak accident,” apparently afraid to call radical squirrel terrorism by name.
Brookins posted about the accident on Sunday to announce that he would be unable to attend events in the near future as he was still recovering from his serious injuries.
Sadly, it appears that the squirrel did not survive the incident, based on the photo that Brookins posted.
The alderman has made the image his Facebook cover photo, as if to serve as a warning for squirrels who may try the same thing.
Renamed Arena Will Always Be Verizon Wireless Amphitheater To Locals
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Defiantly refusing to call the concert venue by the current title appearing on its facade and in promotional materials, Virginia Beach locals confirmed to reporters Tuesday their city’s renamed arena will always be the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater to them.
“Verizon Wireless Amphitheater is the name I grew up with, and that’s what I’m alway going to call it. Period,” said Kevin DiClaudio, 25, claiming that the people in charge of the arena had to be “out of their minds” if they thought he was going to start referring to the venue as the Veterans United Home Loans Amphitheater after all these years, seeing as how everyone in town and throughout the greater Hampton Roads area knew it by its previous moniker.
“People won’t even know what I’m talking about if I use that new name.
But if I say Verizon Wireless Amphitheater, it brings up all these memories. It’s where we go see the fireworks every year. It’s where my dad took me to a Jimmy Buffett concert when I was young.
You can’t just go changing history like that.” DiClaudio later added that he still couldn’t bring himself to visit the rebranded Food Lion over on Sandbridge Road, saying he wanted to respect the property’s long, rich history as a Bloom supermarket.
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