Aug 14 2017

A Vile And Reprehensible Calumny Against Cats


I call on John Oliver to retract and revise his statement that “Nazis are a lot like cats. If they like you, it’s probably because you’re feeding them.”

Cats are frequently motivated by appetites other than food and have strong bonds with their human servants, witness the fact that they will often invade Austria, Czechoslovakia, Poland, The Netherlands, Belgium, France, Denmark, and Norway kill small rodents and birds then, rather than eating them, present the corpses as “gifts”. From the Cat’s perspective it’s not torture, it’s purposeful play honing their hunting skills and preparing them for larger prey like Russia dogs and human beings.

They also desire warm sunny spots, tactically advantageous high ground, bags and boxes to hide in for sneak attacks, and naps in soft comfy places, preferably freshly laundered. They want drugs, treats, milk, and water, bottled and imported please. In return for you cleaning up their litter boxes, hairballs, and vomit they will deign to allow you to give them a full body massage and may vocally express gratitude though it’s probably insincere.

Thank goodness they are distracted by Cat Kryptonite, Laser Pointers, otherwise they would be constantly thwarting your daily activities like reading the newspaper, watching TV, and working on the computer.

In summary, Cats are not like Nazis.

Well, except for Kitty Hitler.


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