Feb 04 2018

Puppy Bowl XIV

Hard to believe I have 14 of these things junking up my DVR when I should let them wash over and through me like the adorable animals they are.

Not that I don’t rewatch them sometimes when I’m feeling particularly in need of some cuteness and emotional support mind you, just that they’re all basically the same- puppies randomly wandering around a pen playing with chew toys or each other (I think that Alpha Dog posturing is supposed to be playing), taking the odd leak or dump (it’s what puppies do), and drinking out of toilets.

Ok, so they’re not toilets. They don’t flush and have a camera in the bottom, but still.

The scoring is incomprehensible and this year I’ll try to ignore it entirely because unless you’re in the pool it really doesn’t matter. Randomly they’ll replace the puppies much faster than I can type them up until all 30 or so adoption candidates are displayed.

Oh yeah, that’s what this is actually about, finding homes for orphaned companion animals and if you have room in your life for a dog (they’re very needy and dependent you know, I’ve had girlfriends like that and it was a positive relief when they left me, a dog will never leave you until it dies so you have that gut wrenching emotional disaster to anticipate) they will reward you with unconditional love and devotion. Studies show they’re much smarter than you think and are highly adept at manipulating you.

Don’t worry about this particular lot. They’re already in their new forever (well, for a dog, 15 – 20 years) homes but you could go down to your local shelter and rescue some other one whose only offense is that their previous human hated them (maybe for good reasons, they’re dogs).

Awww… ek, you seem pretty cynical about dogs.

Not really. I’ve had a lot of them, all gone now, and it is in fact a really big deal and commitment.

This is one reason I like the Kittie Halftime Show. It must be hell on the Kitties, dumped in a cage that reeks of Dogs and tortured with confetti and flashing lights and lasers, but ooh… aren’t they cute?

Cats are not cute. They don’t so much need humans (well, outside of that opposable thumb thing) as they tolerate them. Compare and contrast- after a hard day at work a dog will rush you at the door, sniff your crotch (you may like it, I find it kind of icky) and then dance around shouting, “I NEED TO PEE! Please take me outside to pee! Please, please, please, please, please, please.”

Well, you try holding it for 8 to 10 hours and tell me how you feel.

Cats on the other hand may or may not notice your homecoming at all and then with a stare that says, “You? Again?” The only times they are really interested is when their filtered water tastes impure (which is always) or they are out of food for which they will punish you by ignoring it when you prepare it.

Some people claim they desire adoration which they exhibit in actions like getting in between you and your newspaper, book, or TV screen, or tromp on your piano or computer keyboard. This is not true. They do it to punish you for falling short of their expectations, which are not high.

Now, I like pet rocks.


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  1. ek hornbeck

    Big year. New Stadium. More types of animals. More double entendre (Rabbits, it’s what they do.). Hamster Blimp is back after 3 years. Duckling Cheerleaders.

    A spectacle for sure.

  2. ek hornbeck

    Touchdown Team Ruff

  3. ek hornbeck

    Touchdown Team Fluff

  4. ek hornbeck

    Reality check. They have a Dalmatian that displays their inbred propensity for deafness. They also have kidney problems and rarely live more than 10 years.

  5. ek hornbeck

    Ruff 21 – 14

  6. ek hornbeck

    Ruff 24 – 14

  7. ek hornbeck

    The Piglet Cheerleaders are trying to eat the Bunny Cheerleaders (they’re omnivorous you know).

  8. ek hornbeck

    Ruff 24 – 21

  9. ek hornbeck

    Fluff 28 – 24

  10. ek hornbeck

    Shirley the Sloth scores one for the Refrees

  11. ek hornbeck

    Ruff 31 – 28

  12. ek hornbeck

    Ruff 34 – 28. Halftime.

  13. ek hornbeck

    What?! Animated CGI Cats?! Fowl!

  14. ek hornbeck

    Puppy Bowl is dead to me.

  15. ek hornbeck

    First penalty

  16. ek hornbeck

    Fluff 35 – 34

  17. ek hornbeck

    Fluff 42 – 34

  18. ek hornbeck

    Fluff 42 – 41

  19. BobbyK

    Yay Sports!
    Let’s go home!
    Let’s go home!
    Let’s go home!

  20. BobbyK

    It would make a fun research project to analyze the formulaic patterns of sports commentary. You could play a different game on video, then another game’s audio, at a noisy sports bar …. oh wait.

  21. BobbyK

    It could be part of a degree program in Spectacle Studies.

  22. BobbyK

    There’s a commercial idea with spin off legs – dachshund racing run opposite of the Daytona 500.

  23. ek hornbeck

    Ruff 47 – 45 mid 4th quarter

  24. ek hornbeck

    Team Fluff 52 – 47! Game over dude.

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