Feb 04 2018

Superb Owl LII: Iggles and Patsies

I think I’ve mentioned I hate both these teams and I can easily think of 17 different things I’d rather be watching.

Except for the commercials.

Juste à côté. Recognize this one?

Yeah, who’d a thunk?

But it’s all about who you hate the most and it’s definitely the Patsies.

Why Tom Brady’s New England Patriots Are the Most Tainted Sports Dynasty Ever
by Robert Silverman, Daily Beast
02.03.18

I strongly suggest plunking down on your trusty Barcalounger at some point on Sunday and tuning in because finding a true, unambiguous villain—in sports at least—is hard to come by. The best part of it is, it doesn’t really matter.

First, despite all of the despicable things the Patriots are accused of doing, they’re hardly alone. Aside from the aforementioned issues with football itself, every team in every sport has played fast and loose with the rules at some point. That the Patriots are so brazen about it is a difference of degree, not kind. Second, it’s sports. Compared to the rest of the world, their offenses, shady marketing ploys and even lousy politics, are laughable and utterly unimportant. The universe has provided no shortage of genuinely awful and truly frightening people who not only abound, they’ve realized that they no longer need to feel inhibited by a sense of shame. RIP Shame. It had a good run.

Which is all the more reason why pointing a stubby finger and shouting “J’accuse!” at a professional sports franchise, and deeming it the be-all and end-all of awfulness, is so necessary. The Patriots are not the evil empire, to be sure. But they are a collection of miscreants who—unlike actual, real-world malevolent entities that never seem to receive any kind of comeuppance—might actually be pummeled into submission, if only for one glorious day. (Note: This will not happen. They’re going to win. Again.)

With that in mind, here are some of the more unforgivable sins perpetrated by the Patriots, who you should loathe with the fire of a thousand suns.

As previously mentioned, they cheat, and they do it a lot. ESPN’s Don Van Natta and Seth Wickersham took a deep dive into Spygate and discovered that over an eight-year stretch, right up until the moment when the New York Jets set up a sting to catch them, they were secretly recording opponents’ sidelines during games in order to decipher their signals. How often? Forty separate instances between 2000 and 2007, according to ESPN. They also allegedly sent low-level employees into visiting teams’ locker rooms to steal their play sheets, so the Pats would know opposing teams’ first 15-20 plays of the game.

When they got busted, their cozy relationship with Roger Goodell meant that not only weren’t they punished in a manner that might have dissuaded future bad acts; the commissioner tried to bury the scandal, going so far as to destroy the evidence the league had gathered during its brief, three-day investigation—which led to heavy criticism from then-Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA).

So when the Patriots got busted for cheating again, via Deflategate, enough NFL owners were still carrying a grudge that Goodell felt compelled to dole a draconian and kind of ridiculous four-game suspension for QB Brady, docked the team multiple draft picks, and imposed a tidy $1 million fine.
…
Brady also managed to convince a preferred charitable organization to funnel millions into his own foundation, and he ditched his previous partner, actress Bridget Moynahan, while she was pregnant for his current wife, supermodel Gisele Bündchen.

As for owner Robert Kraft, he’s a billionaire sports owner. There are no halfway-decent billionaire sports owners, but this one reportedly stumped for Donald Trump’s regressive tax plan, donated $1 million to his inaugural committee, and gave the president his very own shiny Super Bowl ring last year. He also gave millions more to build regulation football fields in Israel, and dragged NFL legends overseas to serve as unwitting props for Bibi Netanyahu’s political agenda. Needless to say, Brady spent a year playing coy about his support for his longtime dear chum, Donald Trump, after a Make America Great Hat was spied in his locker.

Similarly, Belichick, a humorless and soulless shell of a human being and yes, possibly the best coach ever, sent a letter of support using uber-Trumpian prose that then-candidate Trump read aloud days before the 2016 election. When questioned about his political leanings, Belichick somehow managed to say with a straight face, “I’m not a political person.”

Oh, lest we forget: the whole crazy Aaron Hernandez situation…and the fact that actual Nazis are rooting for the Patriots:

So there you have it. Let us pray that somehow these all-time football legends screw up. If so, joy and kindness, peace and understanding, and flowers and sunshine and rainbows will spread across the globe, because the Patriots are very bad.

Couldn’t have said it better myself, which is why I quoted it.

So it’s the Iggles and the bonus is that they’ll have to figure out what to do with Nick Foles who’s another one of these Colin Kaepernick-type backups made good that Throwball has no place for since they spoil the Pro Wrestling style narrative. Besides, it will be fun to watch crazed Iggles fans scoot up those Crisco coated lamp posts.

In Stars Hollow I have the misfortune to be swamped by Patsie partisans who I can tell you from personal experience are even worse than BoSox addicts (I know, it’s hard to imagine) so I keep to myself, mostly go out at night, and dream about hillside caves and goats.

rustymancuso581

170 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. Well they returned it. Patsies 25.

  2. Pats 1 st 10 on a defense penalty

  3. Patsies TD. Iggles 29 – 26.

  4. Infinity War

  5. I awnt the dinosaurs to get to eat all the cast and crew at the end of the next Jurassic Park movie

  6. From the Iggles 25

  7. Circle of life.

  8. Now from their 49

  9. Eagles in at Pats 33. 1st & 10

  10. From the Patsie 36

  11. Eagles 1st & 10 at 23

  12. Patsie 23

  13. Iggles 29 – 26 at the end of the 3rd. Check your pool.

  14. End of the 3rd quarter. EAgles’ ball at Pats’ 16 3rd down & 3 at the start of the 4th

  15. A Scientology Ad!

  16. This is a much tighter game than expected. The Pats have yet to have the lead, something they are probably not used to

  17. Eagles 4th down at start of 4th quarter.

    FG is GOOD. With a flag against the Pats. Penalty declined

    Eagles 32 – Pats 26

  18. FG. Iggles 32 – 26.

  19. Bud Light. Don’t drink and ride your horse. Why is the horse drunk, too???

    1. Budwiser: the beer the horses make.

  20. So far no sacks in this game and only one intercept

  21. Patsies from their 25

  22. Patsies 40

  23. Eagles need to cover Amendola better

  24. Patsies from Iggles 7

  25. Pats touchdown and takes the lead for the first time in the game

  26. Patsie TD. Patsies 33 – 32. 9:22 Remaining.

  27. Extra point is GOOD

    Patriots 33 – Eagles 32

    This is not good

  28. Iggles Touchback

  29. This is the point in the game the pats usually start running away with it.

  30. Eagles Touchdown which is going to be reviewed

  31. Crosses the Plane under control and even if it’s a fumble HE RECOVERED IT!

  32. This new rule over ball control sucks

  33. Touchdown onfirmed. Going for 2pt conversion

  34. Two steps after catch. Breaks plane. Touchdown before he hits the ground.

  35. Incomplete.

    Eagles 38 – Patriots 33

  36. Game over. Iggles TD. Iggles 38 – 33. 2:21 to Play.

  37. Brady SACKED. INTERCEPT !!!

  38. He took 2 fucking steps! What do you mean is he a runner assholes!

  39. Fumble. Patsies are toast. Stick a fork in it.

    1. There’s still 2 minutes in this game

      1. Do you have some Avocado?

  40. 2 minute warnig

  41. Well, at least the game was interesting. The commercials not so much.

  42. Eagles takng the clock down with a FG attempt

  43. I hope they trick play and get the first down.

  44. FG is GOOD!!

    Eagles 41 – Pats 33

  45. Iggles 41 – 33. Patsies at their 7. 53 seconds.

  46. Pats need a TD and a 2 pt conversion to take the game into OT.

  47. Exciting finish.

  48. 4th and 10. 43 seconds.

  49. Pats 4th and 10 from the 9. 1at down 26 asec and 76 yds to gp

  50. That it.

    EAGLES WIN

Load more

Comments have been disabled.