Feb 04 2018

Superb Owl LII: Iggles and Patsies

I think I’ve mentioned I hate both these teams and I can easily think of 17 different things I’d rather be watching.

Except for the commercials.

Juste à côté. Recognize this one?

Yeah, who’d a thunk?

But it’s all about who you hate the most and it’s definitely the Patsies.

Why Tom Brady’s New England Patriots Are the Most Tainted Sports Dynasty Ever
by Robert Silverman, Daily Beast
02.03.18

I strongly suggest plunking down on your trusty Barcalounger at some point on Sunday and tuning in because finding a true, unambiguous villain—in sports at least—is hard to come by. The best part of it is, it doesn’t really matter.

First, despite all of the despicable things the Patriots are accused of doing, they’re hardly alone. Aside from the aforementioned issues with football itself, every team in every sport has played fast and loose with the rules at some point. That the Patriots are so brazen about it is a difference of degree, not kind. Second, it’s sports. Compared to the rest of the world, their offenses, shady marketing ploys and even lousy politics, are laughable and utterly unimportant. The universe has provided no shortage of genuinely awful and truly frightening people who not only abound, they’ve realized that they no longer need to feel inhibited by a sense of shame. RIP Shame. It had a good run.

Which is all the more reason why pointing a stubby finger and shouting “J’accuse!” at a professional sports franchise, and deeming it the be-all and end-all of awfulness, is so necessary. The Patriots are not the evil empire, to be sure. But they are a collection of miscreants who—unlike actual, real-world malevolent entities that never seem to receive any kind of comeuppance—might actually be pummeled into submission, if only for one glorious day. (Note: This will not happen. They’re going to win. Again.)

With that in mind, here are some of the more unforgivable sins perpetrated by the Patriots, who you should loathe with the fire of a thousand suns.

As previously mentioned, they cheat, and they do it a lot. ESPN’s Don Van Natta and Seth Wickersham took a deep dive into Spygate and discovered that over an eight-year stretch, right up until the moment when the New York Jets set up a sting to catch them, they were secretly recording opponents’ sidelines during games in order to decipher their signals. How often? Forty separate instances between 2000 and 2007, according to ESPN. They also allegedly sent low-level employees into visiting teams’ locker rooms to steal their play sheets, so the Pats would know opposing teams’ first 15-20 plays of the game.

When they got busted, their cozy relationship with Roger Goodell meant that not only weren’t they punished in a manner that might have dissuaded future bad acts; the commissioner tried to bury the scandal, going so far as to destroy the evidence the league had gathered during its brief, three-day investigation—which led to heavy criticism from then-Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA).

So when the Patriots got busted for cheating again, via Deflategate, enough NFL owners were still carrying a grudge that Goodell felt compelled to dole a draconian and kind of ridiculous four-game suspension for QB Brady, docked the team multiple draft picks, and imposed a tidy $1 million fine.
…
Brady also managed to convince a preferred charitable organization to funnel millions into his own foundation, and he ditched his previous partner, actress Bridget Moynahan, while she was pregnant for his current wife, supermodel Gisele Bündchen.

As for owner Robert Kraft, he’s a billionaire sports owner. There are no halfway-decent billionaire sports owners, but this one reportedly stumped for Donald Trump’s regressive tax plan, donated $1 million to his inaugural committee, and gave the president his very own shiny Super Bowl ring last year. He also gave millions more to build regulation football fields in Israel, and dragged NFL legends overseas to serve as unwitting props for Bibi Netanyahu’s political agenda. Needless to say, Brady spent a year playing coy about his support for his longtime dear chum, Donald Trump, after a Make America Great Hat was spied in his locker.

Similarly, Belichick, a humorless and soulless shell of a human being and yes, possibly the best coach ever, sent a letter of support using uber-Trumpian prose that then-candidate Trump read aloud days before the 2016 election. When questioned about his political leanings, Belichick somehow managed to say with a straight face, “I’m not a political person.”

Oh, lest we forget: the whole crazy Aaron Hernandez situation…and the fact that actual Nazis are rooting for the Patriots:

So there you have it. Let us pray that somehow these all-time football legends screw up. If so, joy and kindness, peace and understanding, and flowers and sunshine and rainbows will spread across the globe, because the Patriots are very bad.

Couldn’t have said it better myself, which is why I quoted it.

So it’s the Iggles and the bonus is that they’ll have to figure out what to do with Nick Foles who’s another one of these Colin Kaepernick-type backups made good that Throwball has no place for since they spoil the Pro Wrestling style narrative. Besides, it will be fun to watch crazed Iggles fans scoot up those Crisco coated lamp posts.

In Stars Hollow I have the misfortune to be swamped by Patsie partisans who I can tell you from personal experience are even worse than BoSox addicts (I know, it’s hard to imagine) so I keep to myself, mostly go out at night, and dream about hillside caves and goats.

rustymancuso581

170 comments

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  1. Patsies 21

  2. EAGles Toundown 2 pt conversion failed

    Eagles 15 – Pats 3

  3. And Iggles 15 – 3 (another missed conversion).

  4. Chris Pratt – Michelob work out

  5. Chris Pratt as an extra. Funny.

  6. Eagle kick off to Pats. Touch back

  7. Touchback. Patsie’s 25.

  8. Iggles 27

  9. Pats 4th down again. Punt is GOOD

    Eagles 25 – Pats 6

  10. Pats player will not return after head injury, not calling it a concussion, yet

    1. Good.

  11. Hmm… missed a FG. 15 – 6 Iggles.

  12. Iggles at Patsie’s 40

  13. Pats intercept ball at teir own three yd line

  14. INT at Patsie’s 8

    1. Was just about to post So far so good when

      Crap.

  15. Patriot’s Touchdown

  16. Miss FG again

    Eagles 15 – Pats 12

  17. Patsie’s TD. 15 – 12 Iggles.

  18. 2 minute warning for the 1st half

  19. Iggles from their 30. 2 minutes in 1st Half.

  20. Other than the accent, I can’t tell Hemsworth from Pratt

    1. True that. One was Thor, the other was Peter Quill.

  21. Aussie Tourism with Paul Hogan!

  22. At the Patsie’s 7

  23. 4th & goal at the 1 yd line. Going for the goal on 4th down

  24. Touchdown Eagles

  25. Nicely done.

  26. 1 pint kick is GOOD

    Eagles 22 – Pats 12

  27. 34 seconds ingame Pats willtry to get ball into FG range

  28. TD Iggles. 22 – 12. Foles receives while Brady failed. 34 seconds in Half.

  29. Pats short of FG range to end the 2nd half.

    Eagles 22 – Pats 12

    Half time with Timberlake. Time for real food. Sister-in- law’s Chili with rice and tossed salad

    1. Oh, it is so on. Next time.

  30. Done. 22 – 12 Iggles. Check your pools and prepare your barf bags for Justin Timberlake.

    1. Wardrobe malfunction exposing trump underwear?

      1. Nah. More general suckiness.

  31. Wow. Cure Auto is in your face. “If you cheat on your auto insurance you go to jail. If you cheat at football you get to sleep with a super model.”

  32. Well the band was blow syncing. But at least they showed a band. Meh.

  33. The dancers were good too.

  34. 2nd half begins. Pats’ ball on their own 25

  35. Patsies from their 25.

  36. Pats Touchdown. point kick is GOOD

    Eagles 22 – Pats 19

  37. Patsies TD. Iggles 22 – 19.

  38. I can imagine the talk the Pats got in the locker room. Hoping the Eagles can pull this off

  39. Penalty. Iggles from their 15.

  40. Iggles 34

  41. Patsies 44

  42. Patsies 25

  43. Eagles on 22 yd line. FG range

  44. Eagles Touchdown. Will most likely be reviewed

  45. Ruling stands. Touchdown eagles

  46. TD. Iggles 29 – 19.

  47. Extra point is GOOD

    Eagles 29 – Pats 19

  48. Internet is pissed at Rams commercial that used MLK legacy to sell cars

    1. Well… good to be reminded. Obscure speech. The man was a giant.

  49. What the fuck do you mean bobbled on the last step? That was Out of Bounds anyway. Root much asshole?

  50. Bud Knight in the stands

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