Feb 04 2018

Superb Owl LII: Iggles and Patsies

I think I’ve mentioned I hate both these teams and I can easily think of 17 different things I’d rather be watching.

Except for the commercials.

Juste à côté. Recognize this one?

Yeah, who’d a thunk?

But it’s all about who you hate the most and it’s definitely the Patsies.

Why Tom Brady’s New England Patriots Are the Most Tainted Sports Dynasty Ever
by Robert Silverman, Daily Beast
02.03.18

I strongly suggest plunking down on your trusty Barcalounger at some point on Sunday and tuning in because finding a true, unambiguous villain—in sports at least—is hard to come by. The best part of it is, it doesn’t really matter.

First, despite all of the despicable things the Patriots are accused of doing, they’re hardly alone. Aside from the aforementioned issues with football itself, every team in every sport has played fast and loose with the rules at some point. That the Patriots are so brazen about it is a difference of degree, not kind. Second, it’s sports. Compared to the rest of the world, their offenses, shady marketing ploys and even lousy politics, are laughable and utterly unimportant. The universe has provided no shortage of genuinely awful and truly frightening people who not only abound, they’ve realized that they no longer need to feel inhibited by a sense of shame. RIP Shame. It had a good run.

Which is all the more reason why pointing a stubby finger and shouting “J’accuse!” at a professional sports franchise, and deeming it the be-all and end-all of awfulness, is so necessary. The Patriots are not the evil empire, to be sure. But they are a collection of miscreants who—unlike actual, real-world malevolent entities that never seem to receive any kind of comeuppance—might actually be pummeled into submission, if only for one glorious day. (Note: This will not happen. They’re going to win. Again.)

With that in mind, here are some of the more unforgivable sins perpetrated by the Patriots, who you should loathe with the fire of a thousand suns.

As previously mentioned, they cheat, and they do it a lot. ESPN’s Don Van Natta and Seth Wickersham took a deep dive into Spygate and discovered that over an eight-year stretch, right up until the moment when the New York Jets set up a sting to catch them, they were secretly recording opponents’ sidelines during games in order to decipher their signals. How often? Forty separate instances between 2000 and 2007, according to ESPN. They also allegedly sent low-level employees into visiting teams’ locker rooms to steal their play sheets, so the Pats would know opposing teams’ first 15-20 plays of the game.

When they got busted, their cozy relationship with Roger Goodell meant that not only weren’t they punished in a manner that might have dissuaded future bad acts; the commissioner tried to bury the scandal, going so far as to destroy the evidence the league had gathered during its brief, three-day investigation—which led to heavy criticism from then-Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA).

So when the Patriots got busted for cheating again, via Deflategate, enough NFL owners were still carrying a grudge that Goodell felt compelled to dole a draconian and kind of ridiculous four-game suspension for QB Brady, docked the team multiple draft picks, and imposed a tidy $1 million fine.
…
Brady also managed to convince a preferred charitable organization to funnel millions into his own foundation, and he ditched his previous partner, actress Bridget Moynahan, while she was pregnant for his current wife, supermodel Gisele Bündchen.

As for owner Robert Kraft, he’s a billionaire sports owner. There are no halfway-decent billionaire sports owners, but this one reportedly stumped for Donald Trump’s regressive tax plan, donated $1 million to his inaugural committee, and gave the president his very own shiny Super Bowl ring last year. He also gave millions more to build regulation football fields in Israel, and dragged NFL legends overseas to serve as unwitting props for Bibi Netanyahu’s political agenda. Needless to say, Brady spent a year playing coy about his support for his longtime dear chum, Donald Trump, after a Make America Great Hat was spied in his locker.

Similarly, Belichick, a humorless and soulless shell of a human being and yes, possibly the best coach ever, sent a letter of support using uber-Trumpian prose that then-candidate Trump read aloud days before the 2016 election. When questioned about his political leanings, Belichick somehow managed to say with a straight face, “I’m not a political person.”

Oh, lest we forget: the whole crazy Aaron Hernandez situation…and the fact that actual Nazis are rooting for the Patriots:

So there you have it. Let us pray that somehow these all-time football legends screw up. If so, joy and kindness, peace and understanding, and flowers and sunshine and rainbows will spread across the globe, because the Patriots are very bad.

Couldn’t have said it better myself, which is why I quoted it.

So it’s the Iggles and the bonus is that they’ll have to figure out what to do with Nick Foles who’s another one of these Colin Kaepernick-type backups made good that Throwball has no place for since they spoil the Pro Wrestling style narrative. Besides, it will be fun to watch crazed Iggles fans scoot up those Crisco coated lamp posts.

In Stars Hollow I have the misfortune to be swamped by Patsie partisans who I can tell you from personal experience are even worse than BoSox addicts (I know, it’s hard to imagine) so I keep to myself, mostly go out at night, and dream about hillside caves and goats.

rustymancuso581

170 comments

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  1. Team Intros

  2. Somewhat disappointed in Pink. I’d have told them straight out to fuck off or done an on stage mic drop.

  3. Patsies win the toss. Iggles will receive.

  4. Iggles from their 25

  5. 5 Yard Pass

  6. At their 49

  7. Patsie’s 38

  8. Patsie’s 4

  9. Offsides Iggles

  10. Iggles 3 – 0

  11. Touchback Patsies

  12. Solo

  13. Turkish Airlines? Why?

  14. From their 40

  15. From Iggles 27

  16. Iggles 14

  17. Tied at 3

  18. Danny DeVito M&M commercial

  19. Bud lite is doing a Game of Thrones rip off. Dilly Dilly.

  20. Iggles from their 24.

  21. Patsie’s 33

  22. TD. Iggles 10 – 3

  23. Oops. 9 – 3

  24. Vikings in a Dodge

  25. Wendy’s but I’ve talked about them.

  26. Patsies from their 19

  27. On Iggles 29

  28. Iggles 17

  29. End of 1st Quarter. 9 – 3 Iggles. Check your pool card.

  30. End of te first quarter. Pats’ ball on Eagles 8 2nd and 1 at the start of the 2nd quarter

  31. Tide ad is funny

  32. Sky scraper. A movie I think I’ll miss

  33. Ouch. That’s why they wear cups.

  34. Missed FG.

  35. Pats’ held to a FG NO GOO

    Eagles 9 – Pars 3

  36. Eagles 4th down, punt to Pats

  37. Iggles punt. Patsies at their 37

  38. The Bud Knight

  39. LOL I’m 85 and I wanna go home. e-trade

  40. Another Mission Impossible movie??? Why???

  41. Fuck. Thursday.

  42. Iggles 40

  43. Helmet to Helmet hit. It didn’t look intentional

  44. Avocado Anarchy!

    1. Well the Wi-Fi went down

  45. Seems to be a run an action/horror movies

  46. Pats 4th down. Going for 4th dwn and 5. Incomplet – Eagles ball

  47. Over on downs. Iggles from their 35.

  48. Pats should have gone for the FG. Dumb move

    1. I agree, couldn’t have turned out worse.

  49. Are they all Tide commercials?

  50. Patsie’s 42

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