Prime Time

Solid premiers.

You know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.

Mortimer, your brother is not well. We better call an ambulance.

Fuck him! Now, you listen to me! I want trading reopened right now. Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!. Turn those machines back on!

Later-

Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That’s the other guy’s problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the absolute carnage you are about to witness. Super Bowl, World Series – they don’t know what pressure is. In this building, it’s either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One minute you’re up half a million in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don’t go to college and they’ve repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?

Dave hosts Martin Lawrence and Steel Magnolia.  Jon and Stephen in repeats from 1/25.  Alton does chocolate x 2.  Conan hosts Jeff Bridges, Nick Swardson, and Far East Movement.

Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy low. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are saying, “Hey, we’re losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain’t gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain’t gonna f… my wife ain’t gonna make love to me if I got no money!” So they’re panicking right now, they’re screaming “SELL! SELL!” to get out before the price keeps dropping. They’re panicking out there right now, I can feel it.

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