Sep 20 2012

It Be International Talk Lika A Pirate Day!

The Pastafarian Service Council wants to remind you that today, September 19th, be Talk Like A Pirate Day.

As Slushy the Polar Bear says-

“Only you can prevent Global Warming.  Arrgh.”

PhotobucketAhoy mateys.  It be Cap’n Hank Bloodbeard hijacking your blog ag’in.  Since the establishin’ of International Talk Like a Pirate Day in 1995, the number of Pirates has increased gratifyin’ly thereby proving the success of our Pastafarian Pirate Recruitin’ Program and confirmin’ the link between increased piracy and declinin’ Global Warmin’.

But wait ye say, Global Warmin’ has gotten worse and Pastafarianism is a made up religion contrived out of equal measures of ennui, ignorance and Rum!

WHY IS THERE NEVER ANY RUM!  Oh, that’s why.

Ye scurvy dog, them be fightin’ wards.  Ye’ll walk the plank. I’ll keelhaul ye.  I’ll see your black hearted soul in Davey Jones Locker (the one ‘e shares w’ Peter Toth).

We used to worry about that too until we took up w’ a crew o’ Freshwater Pirates from the Chicago School who explained that it doesn’t matter how consistently and thoroughly wrong ye are if ye suck up to rich people enough and parrot their prejudices, beat down the po’ folk until morale improves, and kiss their ass long and hard.  Take what ye can, give nothin’ back, yo ho.

Polly want a grant?

E’en on these shores Cap’n Bloodbeard (aside from really enjoyin’ referin’ to hisself in the thard person) be known for ‘is trail of terror and carnage and really bad puns.

I generally celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day by telling the 3 Pirate Jokes.  There are only 3, all the others are just variations.  As Cap’n Slappy says:

Thar be only three pirate jokes in the world. The biggest one is the one that ends with someone usin’ “Arrr” in the punchline. Oh, sure, thar be plenty o’ these, but they’re all the same damn joke.

“What’s the pirate movie rated? – Arrr!”

“What kind o’ socks does a pirate wear? – Arrrrgyle!”

“What’s the problem with the way a pirate speaks? – Arrrrticulation!”

…and so forth.

The second joke is the one wear the pirate walks into the bar with a ships wheel attached to the front o’ his trousers. The bartender asks, “What the hell is that ships wheel for?” The pirate says, “I don’t know, but it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

And finally. A little boy is trick or treatin’ on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, “Where are your buccaneers?” The little boy responds, “On either side o’ me ‘buccan’ head!”

And there ye have it. A symposium on pirate humor that’ll last ye a lifetime – so long as life is violent and short.

If ye steer a course to the official website of International Talk Like A Pirate Day, ye may wish to read the FAQ, to help ye splice the mainbrace proper like.  Then ye’ll be ready to talk like a pirate.

Talking like a pirate, however, doesn’t just mean running through the hallways yelling “yarr!” at everyone. To get more in touch with one’s inner pirate, here is a short list of useful terms that may help readers throughout their day of pillaging and searching for buried treasure.

I also spend this day in Worship at Church and emulate the manners, customs, and language o’ me Pirate forbearers (I have the good fortune to be 1/4 full blooded Pirate through my Viking ancestors, indeed Viking is a verb which means ‘Pirate’) and singing some Pirate Carols.

The Crimson Permanent Assurance

In the bleak days of nineteen-eighty-three, as England languished in the doldrums of a ruinous monetarist policy, the good and loyal men of the Permanent Assurance Company– a once-proud family firm, recently fallen in hard times– strained under the yoke of their oppressive new corporate management.

Pushed beyond the bounds of decent and reasonable victimisation, the aged retainers take their destiny in their own hands and– Mutiny!

And so, the Crimson Permanent Assurance was launched upon the high seas of international finance.

There it lay, the prize they sought, the richest jewel in the crown of the I.M.F.: a financial district swollen with multi-nationals, conglomerates, and fat, bloated merchant banks.

Hidden behind the faceless, towering canyons of glass, the world of high finance sat smug and self-satisfied as their future, in the shape of their past, slipped silently through the streets, returning to wreak a terrible revenge.

Adopting, adapting, and improving traditional business practices, the Permanent Assurance puts into motion an audacious and totally unsuspected takeover bid.

And so, heartened by their initial success, the desperate and reasonably violent men of the Permanent Assurance battled on… until, as the sun set slowly in the west, the outstanding return on their bold business venture became apparent: the once-proud financial giants lay in ruins, their assets stripped, their policies in tatters.

Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen!

Up, up, up your premium. Up, up, up your premium.

Scribble away!

Up, up, up your premium.

And balance the books.

Up, up, up your premium.

Scribble away!

Up, up, up your premium.

But manage the books.

Up, up, up.

It’s fun to charter an accountant

And sail the wide accountancy,

To find, explore the funds offshore

And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy!

It can be manly in insurance.

We’ll up your premium semi-annually.

It’s all tax deductible.

We’re fairly incorruptible,

We’re sailing on the wide accountancy!

Sail away!

Up, up, up…

And so, they sailed off into the ledgers of history, one by one, the financial capitals of the world crumbling under the might of their business acumen,… or so it would have been… if certain modern theories concerning the shape of the world had not proved to be… disastrously wrong.

There will come a time when you have a chance to do the right thing.

I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

More Pirate Carols below.

Hoist The Colors

In order to affect a timely halt to deterioriating conditions, and to ensure the common good, a state of emergency is declared for these territories by decree of Lord Cutler Beckett, duly appointed representative of His Majesty, the King. By decree, according to martial law, the following statutes are temporarily amended: Right to assembly, suspended. Right to habeas corpus, suspended. Right to legal counsel, suspended. Right to verdict by a jury of peers, suspended. By decree, all persons found guilty of piracy, or aiding a person convicted of piracy, or associating with a person convicted of piracy, shall be sentenced to hang by the neck until dead.

Yo, ho, haul together, hoist the colors high.

Heave ho, thieves and beggars, never shall we die.

The king and his men stole the queen from her bed and bound her in her Bones.

The seas be ours and by the powers where we will we’ll roam.

Yo, ho, haul together, hoist the colors high.

Heave ho, thieves and beggars, never shall we die.

Some men have died and some are alive and others sail on the sea,

With the keys to the cage and the Devil to pay we lay to Fiddler’s Green!

The bell has been raised from it’s watery grave. Do you hear it’s sepulchral tone?

We are a call to all, pay head the squall and turn your sail toward home!

Yo, ho, haul together, hoist the colors high.

Heave ho, thieves and beggars, never shall we die.

Now grog ain’t much o’ a much.  A punch put together by th’ thieving English to cheat ye outen your full two tots.  Real Pirates drink bumbo anyway.  I’ve had your Fijian grog and it goes right nice with some piping hot chamomille tea.  Let the savages use cold water, coconut and pineapple are for umbrella drinks.

Are you ready kids?

Aye, aye captain.

I can’t hear you…

Aye, aye captain!


Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Sponge Bob square pants.

Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.

Sponge Bob square pants.

If nautical nonsense be something you wish.

Sponge Bob square pants.

Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish.

Sponge Bob square pants.


Sponge Bob square pants, Sponge Bob square pants,

Sponge Bob square pants, Sponge Bob…… square paaaaaants.

Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hack, cough, cough.  Arrgh.

Nor will it keep ye in the pink.


Our gum’s are black our teeth are falling out

We got spots on our backs so give it up and shout

We got Scurvy we need some vitamin C

We got Scurvy we need a lemon tree

We got Scurvy we just chillin’ on the sea

Lets get this Scurvy started

A pirate ain’t worthy

Till he got some Scurvy

Since you’ve got Scurvy on your nervy when you sing that song

Scurvy (Scurvy)

We got Scurvy (scurvy)

Pirates for Sail- Scurvey Awareness

Here be George Harrison, Neil Innes, and Eric Idle w’ a Pirate Sketch and Song

And here be a better print o’ just th’ song.

Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket have put together some movin’ pitchers celebratin’ the season, recorded (mostly) by their videographer, Official Wench.  This first one was put together by filkertom, a kossack o’ ill repuke.

Some more singin’.

I’m A Pirate Song

Pirate Rap

These instructional pieces will help you discover your ‘Inner Pirate’.


Never Turn Your Back

And more especially, how to talk like a Pirate.

Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket can teach any one to talk like a Pirate, even a scurvy dog.

Or a blogger.

Why?  Because it makes you look cool and Piratical.

And if they don’t learn?  A little Pirate persuasion.

Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket are happy to answer some of life’s most enduring questions-

Pirates vs. Ninjas

Of course, sometimes they are wrong.

Mad Sally on dating

Wooing Wenches

Finally, because the family that plunders and raids together stays together (and we be all about values), some treats for the wee Pirates.

Puppet Pirattitude

A Li’l Pirate’s ABSeas

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