Dispatches From Hellpeckersville-Coffee, We Have To Talk

(9 PM – promoted by TMC)

It’s not you, it’s me. Okay, that’s a lie…it’s you. I can’t take all of your caffeine anymore! I’m not that same badass bitch who bragged about slamming two pots before dinner. Now, I know you’re thinking about that stupid fling with the Celestial Seasons back in the 80s and how I came crawling back. The truth is that Lemon Zinger, Sleepytime and Tummymint never really did it for me. No, not even Emperor’s  Choice, all of that was really just to prove that I could give you up, but I knew I’d be back the whole time, they were, to me at least, literally–weak tea.

You see, I have a new doctor now, and she doesn’t just medicate. It’s also about what I eat and drink, and apparently not enough vitamins D and B2, but that’s beside the point, I was having way too much of you. No more than 16 oz a day, she said, so where does that leave us? And no, I’m not interested in your bastard offspring decaf. That’s a foul beverage trick and I want no parts of it. I know people say they’re fine with it, but I’m not one of them, I’d wind up right back at your doorstep, and then what? Yeah.

What will I do now, you ask? Smug bastard, ain’t ya? Perhaps you haven’t noticed that fancy new gizmo sitting next your shiny glass pot the past few days. Know what that is? It’s a loose leaf tea steeper, bud, and not for any weak-ass chamomile either. Oh, I see I have your interest now, huh?

I’ve found a brew to replace you, coffee, and it’s Rooibos. They call it red tea, but it kind of looks more like needles than leaves, I don’t care, really, it tastes great. It brews up to a beautiful color, it tastes good plain, chai or with vanilla and I can drink it after supper. You heard that right. I can drink it right before bed if I feel like it, so there.

I don’t think I’ll be back this time, coffee. We had a good run. I gotta go now, the tea kettle is whistling~

10 comments

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  1. it’s vanilla chai rooibos with a little cream, the whole shebang, real vanilla, real cream~

  2. I would die if I gave up caffeine. I’d probably lose all of my friends and get fired.

  3. Caffeine makes my heart beat irregularly if I have more than that and I must eat breakfast

  4. Drank it when I had to. When I’m low energy I mainline sugar carbs and fat.

    Congrats on kicking it!

  5. try the Rooibos. i have another friend who swears by it…

    sounds fantastic…

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