Tag: TV

All premiers on broadcast, none worth watching unless you’re into the train wreck that is Bristol Palin.

• ABC Family– O Brother, Where Art Thou?
• AMC– Overboard (totally misogynist)
• Disney– Halloweentown
• ESPN– Pats @ Aquatic Mammals
• Food– Unwrapped, The Best Thing I Ever Ate, Triple D (premiers)
• History– American Pickers (premier)
• Lifetime– Flirting With Forty x 2
• Spike- The Hills Have Eyes
• TBS– Family Guy night
• Turner Classic– Penthouse, Skyscraper Souls
• Toon– Regular Show, Total Drama World Tour (premiers)

Later-

• AMC– Rubicon, Mad Men (this week’s repeats), You’ve Got Mail (a Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan movie that doesn’t suck)
• FX– Halloween H2O: 20 Years Later
• Sci Fi– The Resistance (premier), Stargate Universe (repeat of Season Premier)
• Turner Classic– Touch of Evil (really good)

Dave hosts Bruce Willis (a waste of time) will.i.am, and Nicki Minaj.  Jon has Sam Harris, Stephen Eugene Robinson.  Alton does Salt.

Boondocks– The Garden Party (Series Premier repeat)

Nigga, if you ruin this party for me, I’ll put my…

Ruin the party? They love me. These people aren’t worried about us. They’re not worried about anything. They’re rich. No matter what happens, these people just keep applauding.

…

Attention please. Attention please. My name is Uncle Ruckus, no relation. I want to sing y’all a brand new song I just wrote called “Don’t Trust Them New Niggers Over There”. Sing along if you know the words.

Don’t trust them new niggers over there

Leaving they nigger essence in the air

Them happy, nappy head niggers

With they finger on the trigger

Don’t trust them new niggers over there

Don’t trust them big nostrils over yonder

They suck up so much air it’ll make you wonder

Don’t them new niggers

With they spidey little nigger figures

Don’t trust them new niggers over there.

I think the N-word is OK as long as they say it.

…

Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil, and the government is lying about 9/11. Thank you for your time and good night.

How many times have I told you you bet’ not even dream of tellin’ white folk the truth? You understand me? Shoot… makin’ white people riot. You better learn how to lie like me. I’m gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now.

Premiers are back.  Amazing Race for my friend who likes that, Simpsons, Cleveland Show, Family Guy, and American Dad for me.   In Throwball, Bears @ Giants.  Mets lose 2 – 1 in 14, 79 – 83 on the season.

• A&E– The Glades marathon (including premier)
• AMC– The Perfect Storm, Rubicon and Mad Men (premiers)
• Bravo– House marathon
• Comedy– South Park Imaginationland Trilogy
• Disney– Jonas LA (Season Finale- don’t clap too loud)
• Discovery– Life marathon
• Food– Challenge (premier), Next Iron Chef x 3 (Season Premier)
• History– [Ice Road Truckers ] marathon (2 premiers)
• Lifetime– Mini’s First Time, Swimfan
• Sci Fi– The Pumpkin Karver, The Reeds
• TBS– Shooter x 2 (again and again)
• Turner Classic– Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, To Kill a Mockingbird
• TNT– A Time to Kill
• Toon– Beetlejuice, Delocated (premier)
• Vs.– Miami Indy 300 (repeat of Season Finale)

Later-

• FX– Hitman
• Sci Fi– Swamp Devil, Dying Breed
• TBS– Exit Wounds
• Turner Classic– Phantom (shhhh)
• USA– The Pacifier, Eight Below

Adult Swim- New Childrens Hospital and Metalocalypse.  The Venture Brothers, Everybody Comes to Hank’s.  Last week’s Every Which Way But Zeus summary.

Just get up off the ground, that’s all I ask. Get up there with that lady that’s up on top of this Capitol dome, that lady that stands for liberty. Take a look at this country through her eyes if you really want to see something. And you won’t just see scenery; you’ll see the whole parade of what Man’s carved out for himself, after centuries of fighting. Fighting for something better than just jungle law, fighting so’s he can stand on his own two feet, free and decent, like he was created, no matter what his race, color, or creed. That’s what you’d see. There’s no place out there for graft, or greed, or lies, or compromise with human liberties. And, uh, if that’s what the grownups have done with this world that was given to them, then we’d better get those boys’ camps started fast and see what the kids can do. And it’s not too late, because this country is bigger than the Taylors, or you, or me, or anything else. Great principles don’t get lost once they come to light. They’re right here; you just have to see them again!

Lots of College Throwball, Notre Dame @ Boston College or Stanford @ Oregon, and Florida @ Alabama.

Speed has the conclusion of The Petit Le Mans this season’s final race in the American LeMans series.  They started at 11 am and it’s a 10 hour or 1000 mile race so I expect the field and Class winners to be pretty well sorted out by the time you tune in.  They have 2 Classes of GP cars, GP and GP 2 (which are the 2 seat open cockpit cars), and GT and GT 2 (which are both recognizable ‘street machine’ based classes with marques like Porsche and Corvette), that all race at the same time so there’s a lot of overtaking.  Since the races are so long there’s often time to repair quite a bit of damage and I suspect all the most spectacular crashes will be long forgotten.

And on Vs. the much more thrilling conclusion (if you like open wheel Turn Left racing) of the IndyCar (think Danica Patrick) racing season at the Miami Indy 300.

Oh, and the Mets won today.  Season Finale tomorrow.

• ABC Family– Good Burger, Major Payne
• Animal Planet– Pit Boss (premier)
• Bravo– Legally Blonde x 2 (again and again)
• Comedy– Napoleon Dynamite
• Disney– Fish Hooks (yesterday’s premier)
• E!– The Good Girl
• ESPN– Penn State at Iowa
• ESPN2– Stanford at Oregon or Washington at USC (whichever one you’re not watching on ABC)
• Food– Next Iron Chef marathon (including last Season Finale)
• Lifetime– August Rush, Akeelah and the Bee
• Nick– iCarly, True Jackson VP (premiers)
• Oxygen– Bad Boys II, Catwoman x 2
• Sci Fi– Children of the Corn (crappy 2009 remake), The Graves
• TBS– Gladiator (Joey? … Joey?)
• Turner Classic– Bonnie and Clyde, Badlands
• TNT– Catch Me if You Can
• Toon– Beetlejuice
• USA– NCIS marathon
• TV Guide– Will be totally useless tonight, Home Fries, Love Potion No. 9

Dueling Stallones–

• AMC– Cliffhanger
• VH1– Rocky III, Rocky IV
• Spike– Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo (both x 2)

Later-

• ABC Family– Coming to America
• Sci Fi– Bird Flu Horror, Perkins’ 14
• TBS– 3000 Miles to Graceland, Unleashed
• Turner Classic– Gun Crazy, They Live by Night
• TNT– Runaway Jury, The Long Kiss Goodnight

SNL has Bryan Cranston and Kanye West.  GitS: SAC– Ag2O and Angel’s Share (Episodes 16 & 17).

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The Networks have pretty much shot off all their popguns and you’re seeing a more normal schedule of repeats punctuated by shiny objects because original programming is so expensive and people will watch whatever kind of crap anyway.

We can do better than that.

• AMC– Troy (Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?)
• Bravo– A Knight’s Tale x 2
• Disney– Wizards of Waverly Place, Fish Hooks Phineas and Ferb (premiers)
• Discovery– Beyond Survival With Les Stroud (premier)
• E!– The Soup (premier)
• ESPN– College Throwball, BYU @ Utah State
• ESPN2– Ryder Cup Highlights, High School Throwball from Arizona, Hamilton @ Chandler
• Food– Chopped Champions (repeat of this week’s Finals), Meat and Potatoes (premier)
• FX– Walk the Line
• Sci Fi– Friday Night Smackdown, here to hate, has what exactly to relate it to science fiction?  Tights and Make Up?  Seriously?  Also new Haven.
• Style– Disclosure (again)
• TBS– A Few Good Men x 2
• Turner Classic– Horror of Dracula, The Brides of Dracula (it’s Hammer time, with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing)
• TLC– Say Yes to the Dress marathon (with premier)
• TNT– The Green Mile
• Toon– Sym-Bionic Titan, Generator Rex, Clone Wars (premiers)
• USA– House marathon

Later-

• AMC– The Silence of the Lambs
• Disney– Wizards of Waverly Place marathon
• ESPN2– Australian Rules Football Championship, live from Melbourne!  Collingwood vs. St. Kilda.
• Sci Fi– Stargate Universe (Season Premier repeat), Haven (same new), Caprica (Series Premier repeat)
• Turner Classic– Dracula, Prince of Darkness, Dracula Has Risen From the Grave
• TNT– Entrapment
• USA– The 40-Year-Old Virgin (from the star of the inferior The Office)

Dave hosts Blake Lively, Michael C. Hall, and Drake.  No Alton.  No Keith or Rachel.  Childrens Hospital, the good The Office with Ricky Gervais.

Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

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A Full Night of Premiers!  Broadcast TV is so Huxtable.  Four games left.  Mets finish Sunday against the Nats.  They have to win out to have a .500 season.  The Bridges of Madison County is a good movie, but this is the 2700th time TV Guide has played it, they’re playing it twice, AND making their channel totally useless until 3 am for it’s intended use as a (DUH!) TV Guide.

Assholes.

Well, it’s not like there’s anything worth watching anyway.

• ABC Family– Where the Heart Is
• Comedy– Futurama marathon
• Disney– Phineas and Ferb (salute to The Wizard of Oz)
• ESPN– College Throwball, Texas A&M @ Oklahoma State
• Food– Double helping of Alton, Pad Thai and Chicken Dumplings
• FX– Two and a Half Men marathon, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League (premiers)
• Lifetime– Project Runway (last week’s and new)
• TBS– Men in Black
• Turner Classic– Wuthering Heights, The Heiress
• TLC– Sr. v. Jr. marathon (including premier)
• TNT– Failure to Launch
• Toon– Total Drama World Tour, Regular Show, MAD (repeats of this week’s premiers)
• USA– NCIS marathon

Later-

• Food– Chopped, Iron Chef America
• Style– Disclosure
• Turner Classic– The Lady Eve
• Adult Swim– Delocated, American Dad x 2

Dave hosts Tom Selleck, Janet Elder, and Tired Pony.  Jon has Justin Timberlake, Stephen Aaron Sorkin.  No Alton.  No Boondocks.

THESE are the hot sheets?

Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.

Lots of broadcast premiers, none worth watching despite the paucity of programming elsewhere.  I suggest a nap or a good book or spending time with friends and family.  How about a nice game of Yahtzee?

• AMC– The Enforcer x 2, Sudden Impact (didn’t we do Dirty Harry like last week?)
• Bravo– Top Chef marathon (with premier)
• Discovery– Mythbusters marathon
• ESPN– Diamondbacks @ Giants
• FX– Meet the Spartans, Terriers (premier)
• Lifetime– Never Been Kissed x 2
• Oxygen– Just Friends x 2
• Turner Classic– Days of Heaven, The Sundowners
• Travel– Man v. Food marathon (thank goodness)
• TV Guide– Tin Cup x 2
• USA– NCIS marathon

Later-

• Turner Classic– The Southerner
• USA– National Treasure: Book of Secrets x 2

Dave hosts Bloomberg (you should really click) and Jesse Eisenberg.  Jon has Linda Polman, Stephen Steve Rattner.  No Alton.

Boondocks– Guess Hoe’s Coming to Dinner, also Harvey Birdman, Yabba Dabba Don.

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Well, last week we said goodbye to H.G. Wells and thwarted her nefarious plot to destroy humanity by using the Minoan Trident to set off the Yellowstone Super Volcano.  Claudia seemed more comfortable with her destiny as a Caretaker and Myka quit because she couldn’t stand the stress anymore.

Oh and Arnie got another one of those shoulder sling flesh wound thingies, on the other side this year I think, from shooting at H.G.’s Corsican Brothers Vest.

I don’t nap through all the episodes you know.

This week we return to the Stargate Universe with, uh…, Stargate Universe Season 2.  When last we saw our band of embattled refugees they were still trapped on The Destiny, a Stargate sowing ship now transiting galaxies and taking them farther out of range by the minute.  In addition to being pursued by nameless aliens and their evil anal probes they are now locked in battle for control of the ship with a boarding party of Lucien Alliance mercenaries.  I once had my Sci Fi friend try to explain to me exactly who was pregnant by whom, but with the consciousness shifting communicator and a rather casual attitude about intercourse it’s really hard to keep track of.  I will note with some skepticism that while they somehow managed to salvage an unlimited supply of ammunition they don’t seem to have remembered to bring along a single condom.  It would really make much more sense if they were using Zats and Staff Weapons because you could probably figure out some way to recharge them, but bullets don’t grow on trees.

Next week Caprica cranks up again and it’s all on Tuesday instead of Friday because Sci Fi got stuck with WWE Friday Night SmackDown.  While the Sci Fi connection may be tenuous at best, it’s another good reason to hate Linda McMahon.

Two NCIS premiers, No Ordinary Family Series Premier, and you can see if Sarah Palin shows up to get booed again.

• ABC Family– Melissa & Joey, The Princess Diaries
• AMC– Dirty Harry, Magnum Force
• Bravo– Inside the Actors Studio with Betty White, Flipping Out (premier)
• Discovery– Swords: Life on the Line, The Colony (premiers)
• ESPN2– [Packers ] @ [Giants ] (hard to pick a favorite in this one)
• Food– Chopped Champions marathon (including Championship Season Finale premier)
• Oxygen– Bad Girls Club, Hair Battle Spectacular (premiers)
• Speed– Monster Jam
• Turner Classic– The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone, Anna Karenina (Vivien Leigh night)
• Toon– Unnatural History, Sym-Bionic Titan (this week’s), Clone Wars (this week’s), King of the Hill

Later-

• AMC– Dirty Harry (again)
• FX– Terriers (this week’s)
• History– Ice Road Truckers, Swamp People (this week’s)
• Turner Classic– Caesar and Cleopatra (Vivien again)

What do you know- Dave hosts Jon Stewart performing against himself (well, actually Stephen) and N.E.R.D..  Jon has Arianna, Stephen Ross Douthat (should be good for a laugh).  No Alton.

Boondocks– The Trial of Robert Kelly.

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More broadcast premiers hardly worth watching (unless you’re a fan and then you don’t need my help).  Packers @ Bears.  Have I mentioned I’m only half troll?  You’ll need something to watch at 10 (and at 1).  I recommend King of the Hill, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and Squidbillies.

• ABC Family– Liar Liar x 2 (again, again, again, again, again, again) (again)
• AMC– Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (2002 is hardly a “classic”)
• Bravo– The Event (Series Premier repeat.  NBC is really whoring this one.)
• Oxygen– The Event (Series Premier repeat.  NBC is really whoring this one.)
• SciFi– The Event (Series Premier repeat.  NBC is really whoring this one.)
• Food– New Unwrapped, The Best Thing I Ever Ate, Triple D (premiers)
• FX– 27 Dresses
• History– Pawn Stars and American Pickers
• National Geographic– Ancient X-Files (2 premiers)
• Spike– No Country for Old Men
• TBS– Family Guy night
• Turner Classic– The Westerner, El Dorado
• Toon– New Regular Show, MAD, Total Drama World Tour
• Travel– Man v. Food marathon (thank goodness)
• TV Land– Tootsie

Later-

• AMC– Rubicon, Mad Men (this week’s)
• FX– The Grudge 2
• Turner Classic– The Violent Men
• TNT– Men of a Certain Age (Series Premier repeat)

Dave hosts Katherine Heigl, Daniel Dae Kim, and Runner Runner.  Jon has BillO, Stephen Ken Burns.  Alton does Tortillas x 2.

Boondocks– The Fried Chicken Flu.

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Well, I know someone who’s a big fan of The Amazing Race.  New Season starts tonight.  60 Minutes has Af-Pak (BREAKING!  War Reporters Shot At!  Quelle Horreur!), Park51, and Drew Brees.  New Simpsons and Family Guy (1 hour double episode with James Woods), also The Cleveland Show.

Sunday Night Throwball, Jets @ Aquatic Mammal (as opposed to semi-aquatic monotreme.  Where’s Perry?), but why are you watching that when there’s Sox @ Yankees on ESPN?  New Boardwalk Empire if you pay for premium (waste of money in my opinion).

• A&E– The Glades (premier)
• ABC Family– The Princess Diaries
• AMC– Pearl Harbor (just horrible), Rubicon and Mad Men (premiers)
• Bravo– House marathon
• Discovery– Dual Survival marathon
• Food– Network Challenge, Iron Chef America (premiers)
• History– Ice Road Truckers, Swamp People (premiers)
• Lifetime– The Brave One x 2 (ugh.  Doomed from the concept and not salvaged by Jodie Foster and Mary Steenburgen.  They need better agents.)
• SciFi– Ogre, Mandrake
• TBS– Disturbia x 2 (again and again)
• Turner Classic– Viva Zapata!, Viva Villa! (Mexican Revolutionary night)
• TNT– I Am Legend x 2 (You Damn Dirty Apes!  Not worth watching, even for Will Smith.)
• Toon– New Delocated
• Travel– Man v. Food marathon

Later-

• Comedy– Some classic Futurama
• MTV– House of Wax (the Paris Hilton one, not the superior Vincent Price classic shot in Dr. Tongue’s 3D House of Stewardesses Vision)
• SciFi– Abominable (title says it all)
• TBS– Sleepy Hollow (Johnny Depp, Christina Ricci)
• Turner Classic– Scaramouche (shhhh, no singing Bohemian Rhapsody in the peanut gallery)
• USA– The Bourne Ultimatum

Adult Swim has the 3.5 Season Premier of Metalocalypse, a new Childrens Hospital, and Episode 3 of Season 4.5 of The Venture Brothers– Every Which Way But Zeus (last week’s episode, Pomp & Circuitry, summary).

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Repeats of Series Premiers and College Throwball, Oregon @ Boise.  Wasn’t Boise supposed to go straight to the Championship after their first game?  What happened to that plan?

Singapore Grand Prix @ 7:30 am, repeat @ 1 pm.

• ABC Family– Liar Liar x 2 (again again, again again)
• AMC– Mad Max 2 and 3 (you’ve already seen it)
• Animal– Cats 101 (new and last week’s), Pit Boss (premier)
• Comedy– American Pie (if you like that sort of thing)
• Disney– Phineas and Ferb, Fish Hooks (repeats of last night’s premiers)
• E!– Scary Movie
• ESPN– College Throwball, South Carolina @ Auburn
• ESPN2– More Throwball, Oklahoma @ Cincinnati, West Virginia @ LSU
• Food– Chopped marathon
• History– Hell
• Nick– iCarly, Big Time Rush (Nick’s Jonas Brothers), Victorious (premiers)
• Oxygen– Next Friday, Barbershop
• SciFi– Lake Placid 3, Sharktopus (so bad they’re already making fun of it at FDL)
• Speed– Turn Left Trucks, Smith’s Food & Drug Stores 350
• TBS– The Family Man
• Turner Classic– A Streetcar Named Desire, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (Tennessee Williams night)
• TNT– 300 (Joey, do you like movies about Gladiators?), 10,000 B.C. (numbers, there are too many of them)
• USA– NCIS marathon

Later-

• ABC Family– Sixteen Candles
• AMC– More Mad Max
• Comedy– American Pie Presents: The Book of Love ], [American Pie (again, in case you haven’t had enough of it yet)
• Disney– Phineas and Ferb, Fish Hooks (repeats of last night’s premiers, again)
• Lifetime– Project Runway (this week’s)
• Turner Classic– Suddenly, Last Summer
• TNT– Resident Evil: Extinction
• Toon– American Dad (Series Premier repeat)
• USA– The Event (Seriers Premier repeat)
• VH1– Rudy

Saturday Night Live- Amy Poehler, Katy Perry (Season Premier).  GitS: SAC– Yes, Machine Desirantes (Episodes 14 & 15).

The human animal is a beast that must die. If he’s got money, he buys and buys and buys everything he can, in the crazy hope one of those things will be life-everlasting, which it can never be.

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