Tag: TV

Prime Time

Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown on ABC, otherwise solid premiers.

Listen to me. What happened between Mrs. Robinson and me was nothing. It didn’t mean anything. We might just as well have been shaking hands.

It’s like I was playing some kind of game, but the rules don’t make any sense to me. They’re being made up by all the wrong people. I mean no one makes them up. They seem to make themselves up.

Later-

Especially important is the warning to avoid conversations with the demon. We may ask what is relevant but anything beyond that is dangerous. He is a liar. The demon is a liar. He will lie to confuse us. But he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, Damien, and powerful. So don’t listen to him. Remember that – do not listen.

Dave hosts Ed Helms, Ted Alexandro, and The Dears.  

There are no experts. You probably know as much about possession than most priests. Look, your daughter doesn’t say she’s a demon. She says she’s the devil himself. And if you’ve seen as many psychotics as I have, you’d know it’s like saying you’re Napoleon Bonaparte.

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Prime Time

I should mention tonight’s episode of The Ace of Cakes is the last ever.  It never quite grabbed me though I liked some of the characters (especially the wacky secretary who reminds me of Janine Melnitz) because I’m just not that into cakes.  Probably explains why I’m not a big fan of Food Network Challenge.

Pretty much all premiers.  I didn’t realize there was a new version of La Femme Nikita.

You have this belief that you are better than us. You have this belief that this country is so very good, and we are so very bad.

I am Lrrr! Ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! May I crash on your couch?

Later-

(E)nough about me leg. Let me tell you about the rest of me. “Up North in the Never-Never, where the land is harsh and bare, lives a mighty hunter named Mick Dundee who can dance like Fred Astaire.”

Dave hosts Bryan Ferry.  Jon and Stephen in repeats from 2/1. Conan hosts Seth MacFarlane, Brooklyn Decker, and Dana Gould.

Well, you see, Aborigines don’t own the land.They belong to it. It’s like their mother. See those rocks? Been standing there for 600 million years. Still be there when you and I are gone. So arguing over who owns them is like two fleas arguing over who owns the dog they live on.

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Prime Time

Solid premiers including 3 episodes of Nova on PBS, Series Premier of Mr. Sunshine, and the Finale of Live to Dance.  The Middle, Better With You, and Blue Bloods have Valentine’s Specials.

I want Balboa! I want Balboa! You hear that, Old Man? You tell Balboa to come here! Nobody can beat me! You tell him what I said! And he’s NEXT! I’m gonna kill him! Nobody can stop me! You tell Balboa that! I’M COMING AFTER HIM! YOU TELL HIM!

Well, Rock, let’s put it this way. Now, three years ago you was supernatural. You was hard and you was nasty and you had this cast-iron jaw but then the worst thing happened to you, that could happen to any fighter. You got civilized. But don’t worry kid. You know, presidents retire, horses retire, Man-o-war retired. They put him out to stud. That’s what you should’ve done, retired.

Later-

You wouldn’t be able to do these awful things to me if I weren’t still in this chair.

But you *are*, Blanche! You *are* in that chair!

Dave hosts Anderson Cooper, Elton John, and Leon Russell.  Jon and Stephen in repeats from 1/31.  Conan hosts Chris Elliott, 50 Cent, and Ray Lamontagne.

(I)t’s been so long since you were out of the house I thought perhaps you had gone for a drive or something. You know I was thinking, it’s ever so long since we had a talk, you know, a real talk about the future and everything. Jane, I didn’t want you to be worried about the house, even if I do have to sell it, we’ll still be together.

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Prime Time

Solid premiers again.  New V and NCIS for those who care about such things.  Traffic Light is a Series Premier.

He’s all wrong for us, baby. I saw you beat that man like I never saw no man get beat before, and the man kept coming after you. Now we don’t need no man like that in our lives.

You’re the Man. You’re number one. The Champ, the best of all time. Girls love you – Men, old people love you. Young people love you. You’re the best. You’re the Man, and he’s yours. He’s yours, he’s yours. This bum shouldn’t be in the same ring with you. I want you to show him who you are tonight. Show him who you are tonight. Stick him!

Later-

Good morning gentlemen, I am Colonel Robert Gould Shaw. I am your commanding officer. It is a great pleasure to see you all here today. It is my hope that the same courage, spirit, and honor, which has brought us together, will one day restore this Union. May God bless us all.

Dave hosts Adam Sandler, Chris Colfer, and Gang of Four.  Jon and Stephen are in repeats from 1/27.

Can’t I? I’m a colonel, you nasty little cuss! You think you can keep 700 Union soldiers without proper shoes because you think it’s *funny*? Now, where would that power come from?

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Prime Time

Solid premiers.

You know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.

Mortimer, your brother is not well. We better call an ambulance.

Fuck him! Now, you listen to me! I want trading reopened right now. Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!. Turn those machines back on!

Later-

Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That’s the other guy’s problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the absolute carnage you are about to witness. Super Bowl, World Series – they don’t know what pressure is. In this building, it’s either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One minute you’re up half a million in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don’t go to college and they’ve repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?

Dave hosts Martin Lawrence and Steel Magnolia.  Jon and Stephen in repeats from 1/25.  Alton does chocolate x 2.  Conan hosts Jeff Bridges, Nick Swardson, and Far East Movement.

Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy low. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are saying, “Hey, we’re losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain’t gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain’t gonna f… my wife ain’t gonna make love to me if I got no money!” So they’re panicking right now, they’re screaming “SELL! SELL!” to get out before the price keeps dropping. They’re panicking out there right now, I can feel it.

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Prime Time

Not so many premiers.  Shrek 3 for you Mike Myers fans.

You have some dangerous machinery for sale here; I think you’re beggin’ for trouble on this one.

Most of this stuff is old crap my dad left behind.

Doc! You have a table over there with a sign that says- “Laser Death Ray Bargain Bin!”

Later-

Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you… wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move.

You’re kidding, right?

It just seems so romantic.

SNLDana Carvey and Linkin Park.

BoondocksThe Return of the King.  The Venture BrothersTag Sale, You’re IT!.

Sweetie, isn’t that the guy from Depeche Mode?

Oh, no way! Where? Holy crap, he’s with a girl?

Oh yeah, that guy is totally straight. I saw a whole thing about him on the VH-1.

But he’s the guy from Depeche Mode! It’s impossible.

Straight.

Come on! He’s in Depeche Mode!

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Prime Time

Almost solid premiers, must be a sweeps month.  You may find better uses for your time (unless you’re a Smallville fan.

No Fate.

You’re already dead, Silberman. Everybody dies. You know I believe it so don’t fuck with me!

Later-

The hardest thing is deciding what I should tell you and what not to. Well, anyway, I’ve got a while yet before you’re old enough to understand the tapes. They’re more for me at this point… to help get it all straight.

Dave hosts Justin Bieber, Martha Stewart, and Robert Plant.

The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it, for the first time, with a sense of hope. Because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too.

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Prime Time

Almost solid premiers, though the only notable one is NBC’s Community (yes, I DM, thank you for asking).

And as if to prove all I have said, here is one of the first to go! A lad who sat before me on these very benches, who gave up all to serve in the first year of the war. One of the iron youth who have made Germany invincible in the field! Look at him. Sturdy and bronze and clear-eyed! The kind of soldier every one of you should envy! Paul, lad, you must speak to them. You must tell them what it means to serve your fatherland.

We used to think you knew. The first bombardment taught us better. It’s dirty and painful to die for your country. When it comes to dying for your country it’s better not to die at all! There are millions out there dying for their countries, and what good is it?

Later-

We’ve no use talking like this. You won’t know what I mean. Only, it’s been a long while since we enlisted out of this classroom. So long, I thought maybe the whole world had learned by this time. Only now they’re sending babies, and they won’t last a week! I shouldn’t have come on leave. Up at the front you’re alive or you’re dead and that’s all. You can’t fool anybody about that very long. And up there we know we’re lost and done for whether we’re dead or alive. Three years we’ve had of it, four years! And every day a year, and every night a century! And our bodies are earth, and our thoughts are clay, and we sleep and eat with death! And we’re done for because you *can’t* live that way and keep anything inside you! I shouldn’t have come on leave. I’ll go back tomorrow. I’ve got four days more, but I can’t stand it here! I’ll go back tomorrow! I’m sorry.

Dave hosts Howard Stern and Naughty by Nature.  Jon has Michael Mullen (more Michaels), Stephen Jane McGonigal.  Conan hosts Lisa Kudrow, Mike O’Malley, and Interpol.

I’ll tell you how it should all be done. Whenever there’s a big war comin’ on, you should rope off a big field and on the big day, you should take all the kings and their cabinets and their generals, put ’em in the center dressed in their underpants, and let ’em fight it out with clubs. The best country wins.

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Prime Time

Not even worth remarking on.

I don’t know if you’d be particularly interested in hearing anything about me. My life, I mean… Most of it doesn’t add up to much that I could relate as a way of life that you’d approve of… I’d like to be able to tell you why, but I don’t really… I mean, I move around a lot because things tend to get bad when I stay. And I’m looking… for auspicious beginnings, I guess… I’m trying to, you know, imagine your half of this conversation… My feeling is, that if you could talk, we probably wouldn’t be talking. That’s pretty much how it got to be before… I left… Are you all right? I don’t know what to say… Tita suggested that we try to… I don’t know. I think that she… seems to feel we’ve got… some understanding to reach… She totally denies the fact that we were never that comfortable with each other to begin with… The best that I can do, is apologize. We both know that I was never really that good at it, anyway…

I’m sorry it didn’t work out.

I know you like me. I know it. For the last year or two, you’ve been pretending like you hate me. I love you very much. I love you as much as I love anybody, as much as I love myself. And in a few years when I haven’t been around to be on your tail about something or irritating you, you could… remember that time that I bought you the baseball glove when you thought we were too broke. You know? Or when I read you those stories? Or when I let you goof off instead of mowing the lawn? Lots of things like that. And you’re gonna realize that you love me. And maybe you’re gonna feel badly, because you never told me. But don’t – I know that you love me. So don’t ever do that to yourself, all right?

Later-

The governor of Louisiana gave me this. Madame Tinkertoy’s House of Blue Lights, corner of Bourbon and Toulouse, New Orleans, Louisiana. Now, this is supposed to be the finest whorehouse in the south. These ain’t no pork chops! These are U.S. PRIME!

Dave hosts Kate Walsh, Jim Gaffigan, and Boxer Rebellion.  Jon has Matthew Perry, Stephen Sean Kelly.  Conan hosts Kobe Bryant (sexual predator) and Jamie Kilstein.

What the hell is wrong with freedom? That’s what it’s all about.

Oh, yeah, that’s right. That’s what’s it’s all about, all right. But talkin’ about it and bein’ it, that’s two different things. I mean, it’s real hard to be free when you are bought and sold in the marketplace. Of course, don’t ever tell anybody that they’re not free, ’cause then they’re gonna get real busy killin’ and maimin’ to prove to you that they are. Oh, yeah, they’re gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it’s gonna scare ’em.

Prime Time

New V!  Other premiers.

I spent my whole life not knowing what I want out of it, just chasing my tail. Now for the first time I know exactly what I want and who… that’s the damnable misery of it.

Later-

Dave hosts Matthew Perry, Chris Elliott, Mitt Romney (ugh), The National.  Jon has Michael Steele, Stephen Michael Lewis (dueling Michaels).  Conan hosts Jennifer Aniston, Nick Offerman, and Peter Bjorn & John.

There’s no normal life, Wyatt, it’s just life. Get on with it.

Don’t know how.

Sure you do. Say goodbye to me. Go grab that spirited actress and make her your own. Take that beauty from it, don’t look back. Live every second. Live right on to the end. Live Wyatt. Live for me. Wyatt, if you were ever my friend – if ya ever had even the slightest of feelin’ for me, leave now. Leave now… Please.

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