Tag: TV

Entirely unexciting.  Even Cable sucks.  Some premiers.

Mister… you can say anything you want about me. I’m gonna have to ask you not to talk about my horse that way.

• ABC Family– Pretty Little Liars (premier and Instapeat), Greek (premier)
• AMC– Hidalgo x 2 (rather recent)
• Comedy– American Pie, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia marathon
• Disney– Avalon High
• Discovery– Sr. v. Jr. (last week’s and new)
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Louisville @ Georgetown, Texas @ Texas A&M
• ESPN2– Women’s College Basketball, Duke at Connecticut
• Food– Triple D (premier)
• FX– What Happens in Vegas x 2
• History– Pickers and Pawn Stars (premiers)
• Lifetime– Homecoming, Taken From Me: The Tiffany Rubin Story
• Oxygen– Juno
• Sci Fi– Being Human (last week’s and new plus Instapeat)
• Spike– Blade: Trinity
• TBS– Family Guy marathon
• Turner Classic– Breathless, Baby Doll
• TLC– Cake Boss marathon (with premier)
• Toon– Adventure Time with Finn & Jake, Regular Show (premiers)
• Travel– Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations marathon
• Vs.– NHL All-Star Game (repeat)

Later-

• Oxygen– Stick It
• Turner Classic– The Rain People

Dave hosts Justin Bieber, Pauley Perrette, and Best Coast.  Jon has Bill Gates (ugh), Stephen Samer Shehata and Paul Offit.  Alton does Tacos and Tortillas.  Conan hosts Amy Poehler.

Well, what do you make of it so far?  Nope, too late to turn back now.

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The reason I don’t generally live blog All-Star games (the NHL had theirs today, did you notice?  I thought as much) is that I’m not so into most sports that I pay attention to the individual players.

The closest would be Baseball and even there, if you don’t play for the Mets who are you and why should I care?

The Pro Bowl Throwball show on Faux @ 7 is a prime example (they don’t even make much pretense about playing for anything except to avoid injury) and while I’m pushing my publication deadline up so those who do can use this as an Open Thread (and when isn’t it?) to discuss developments I’ll probably be watching something else, or better yet using the time to prepare next week’s Puppy Bowl VII (3 pm ET) post as well as a special Prime Time for people who can’t stand the hype and hate puppies (and kitties too).

Or I might just nap.

ABC is contesting the NFL Juggernaut with “reality” TV and if you’re a fan of PBS’s Downton Abbey I know what you’ll be watching.  CBS has a World Premier, The Lost Valentine which features Betty White and NBC recycles National Treasure: Book of Secrets.

There is also the Screen Actors Guild Awards on TBS and TNT for you Red Carpet freaks.

• ABC Family– Sure wouldn’t want to miss my chance to become a 700 Club Founder
• AMC– Seraphim Falls x 2
• Bravo– Real Housewives (with premier)
• Disney– Good Luck Charlie (premier)
• Discovery– How Beer Saved The World (premier), When Pigs Attack! (last week’s and new)
• ESPN– Winter X Games; Hoopies, Jazz @ Warriors
• ESPN2– Australian Open repeat
• Food– Worst, Iron Chef America (premiers)
• FX– Hancock, The Incredible Hulk
• History– Ax Men (last week’s and new)
• Lifetime– Picture Perfect, The Nanny Diaries
• Nick– Pretty in Pink
• Sci Fi– Dawn of the Dead (not the good 1978 version), Jurassic Park III
• Spike– A Bronx Tale x 2, The Fugitive
• TBS– Get Smart (have I mentioned Steve Carell is just horrible?)
• Turner Classic– With Six You Get Eggroll (George Carlin!), Who’s Minding the Mint?
• Toon– Young Justice League, Clone Wars (this week’s), Baby Blues, The Oblongs
• USA– NCIS marathon
• Vs.– NHL All-Star SuperSkills (last night’s)

Later-

• AMC– Open Range
• FX– Lights Out (this week’s), Elektra
• Sci Fi– Triassic Attack, Pterodactyl
• Turner Classic– Pandora’s Box (shhhhh)
• TNT– Patriot Games
• Toon– Robot Chicken, Mongo Wrestling (premiers)
• USA– Royal Pains, White Collar (this week’s), FeardotCom
• Vs.– Bullriding (last night’s)

Well, he sure as hell wasn’t one to complain. Woke with a smile, seemed like he could keep it there all day. Kind of a man that’d say ‘good morning’ and mean it, whether it was or not. Tell you the truth, Lord, if there was two gentler souls in this world, I never seen ’em. Seems like old Tig wouldn’t even kill birds in the end. Well, you got yourself a good man and a good dog, and I’m inclined to agree with Boss here about holding a grudge against you for it. I guess that means Amen.

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Figure Skating.  Austin City Limits– Lyle Lovett and Bob Schneider.  Dreamgirls.

You and I are such similar creatures Vivian. We both screw people for money.

• ABC Family– The Game Plan, Remember the Titans
• AMC– Jeremiah Johnson
• Animal Planet– Pit Boss (Season 3 Premier)
• Bravo– House marathon
• Comedy– Standup marathon (all premiers)
• Disney– Phineas and Ferb Rollercoaster: The Musical, Fish Hooks (premiers)
• E!– Knocked Up x 2
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Kansas State @ Kansas; Winter X Games
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Pittsburgh @ Rutgers; Autralian Open (Women’s Finals repeat)
• Food– Tailgate Warriors With Guy Fieri marathon (Season Finale premier)
• FX– Iron Man
• History– We’re Doomed!  DOOOOOMED I tells ya.
• Lifetime– Management, Picture Perfect
• Oxygen– Pretty Woman x 2
• Sci Fi– Mega Piranha, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (World Premier)
• Speed– 24 Hours at Daytona
• Spike– Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo
• Turner Classic– Bad Day at Black Rock, The Dirty Dozen (Ernest Borgnine night)
• TLC– Cake Boss (Season Finale repeat)
• TNT– Training Day, The Bourne Supremacy
• Toon– Underdog, God, the Devil and Bob
• USA– Crank x 2, The Bourne Ultimatum
• Vs.– NHL All-Star SuperSkills, Bullriding

You know, when you wear this badge, you’re the law. And when somebody does something against the law, then you’re supposed to do something about it. I did nothing. And that’s what’s eating me. What kind of prescription do you got for that?

Later-

Vision? What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn your world upside-down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Ask yourself… are you really ready to see that vision?

• AMC– Wyatt Earp
• Disney– Phineas and Ferb Rollercoaster: The Musical (Instapeat)
• E!– The Soup (this week’s)
• Lifetime– No Reservations (no Anthony Bourdain either)
• Oxygen– Beaches
• Sci Fi– Lake Placid 2, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (Instapeat)
• Spike– First Blood, Cobra
• TBS– Men in Black
• Turner Classic– Marty
• TNT– Mission: Impossible III

SNL– Jesse Eisenberg and Nicki Minaj

Boondocks– A Huey Freeman Christmas, Return of the King

GitS: SAC 2nd Gig– Nuclear Power, This Side of Justice (Episodes 24 and 25 of 26)

Dr. King looked out at his people and saw they were in great need. So he did what all great leaders do: he told them the truth.

…

And now I’d like to talk about “Soul Plane“.

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Meh.  If you can get out a good night for a date.

You are too old and fat to be jumping horses.

• AMC– True Grit (I don’t understand why they ever remade this)
• Bravo– Jerry Maguire
• Disney– Good Luck Charlie Snow Show
• Discovery– Gold Rush (last week’s and new), Flying Wild (premier)
• E!– The Soup (premier)
• ESPN– Winter X Games; Hoopies, Celtics @ Suns
• ESPN2– Milrose Games
• FX– Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who!, Kung Fu Panda
• National Geographic– Dog Whisperer (premier)
• Nick– An hour of new Spongebob
• Oxygen– Titanic x 2
• Sci Fi– Being Human (Series Premier repeat)
• Style– Garden State
• TBS– Get Smart (Steve Carell is just awful, in everything)
• Turner Classic– Tunes of Glory, The Odessa File (Ronald Neame night)
• TLC– Say Yes to the Dress marathon (with premier)
• TNT– The Dark Night
• Toon– Clone Wars (premier of Part 1 of the 3 Part Mortis story arc)
• VH1– Ghostbusters

You’re gonna endanger us, you’re gonna endanger our client – the nice lady, who paid us in advance, before she became a dog…

Not necessarily. There’s definitely a *very slim* chance we’ll survive.

I love this plan! I’m excited to be a part of it! LET’S DO IT!

Later-

An American without ice in his drink is unthinkable, if not unconstitutional!

…

Yours was gin and ginger ale, right?

Mine was NEVER gin and ginger ale. Montrochet ’69, right next to the beer.

• AMC– El Dorado
• Bravo– Something’s Gotta Give
• Comedy– Eddie Murphy Raw
• Disney– Phineas and Ferb
• FX– Lights Out (this week’s)
• Spike– Days of Thunder
• TBS– Legally Blonde
• Turner Classic– Hopscotch (genuinely good and horribly under exposed caper flick with Walter Matthau and Glenda Jackson, you should set your VCR)
• TNT– Lethal Weapon, The Negotiator
• USA– Chaos

Dave in repeats from 1/13.

And at the end, everybody sued me. Claiming I whipped they ass. I’m 5ft 10in, I weigh 180lbs. I cannot whip a disco’s ass by myself.

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Some premiers.  Meh.

I like to watch.

• ABC Family– Practical Magic
• AMC– Mrs. Doubtfire x 2
• Animal Planet– Planet Earth marathon
• Bravo– Real Housewives marathon (with premier)
• Disney– The Incredibles
• Discovery– Survival Mashup (premier)
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Michigan @ Michigan State, Winter X Games
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Vanderbilt @ Mississippi State, UCLA @ Arizona
• Food– Ace of Cakes (premier)
• FX– Archer (premier)
• History– Conspiracy Theories! (premier)
• Lifetime– The Memory Keeper’s Daughter
• Sci Fi– Ghost Ship, Identity
• TBS– Rush Hour 3
• Turner Classic– Man in a Cocked Hat, Being There (Peter Sellers night)
• TNT– Heat @ Knicks, Celtics @ Blazers
• Travel– Man v. Food marathon (thank goodness)
• USA– Royal Pains, Fairly Legal (premiers)
• VH1– SNL marathon

When they tortured you. Did you talk?

Ah, oh, no… well, I don’t think they wanted me to talk really. I don’t think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of having a bit of fun.

Later-

• ESPN2– College Hoopies, St. Mary’s @ Gonzaga
• FX– Me, Myself & Irene
• Sci Fi– Toolbox Murders (not the good 1978 version)
• Turner Classic– Dr. Strangelove Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, Lolita (more Sellers)

Dave in repeats from 12/17.  Jon has T. Boone Pickens (ugh), Stephen Brian Greene.  Conan hosts Jane Lynch, Joe Buck, and Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger.

But this is absolute madness, Ambassador! Why should you *build* such a thing?

There were those of us who fought against it, but in the end we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race, and the peace race. At the same time our people grumbled for more nylons and washing machines. Our doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we had been spending on defense in a single year. The deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a doomsday gap.

This is preposterous. I’ve never approved of anything like that.

Our source was the New York Times.

Double barrel Nova (it means won’t go in Spanish).  Unmemorable “reality” TV.

Now, would you like to learn to shoot?

I can already.

Oh, I saw. Very American. Fire enough bullets and hope to hit the target.

• AMC– The Chronicles of Riddick, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
• Discovery– Howe & Howe (premier), Sons of Guns, Desert Car Kings (Series Premiers)
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Texas @ Oklahoma State; Hoopies, Spurs @ Jazz
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, North Carolina @ Miami, Australian Open
• Food– Throwdown, Restaurant: Impossible (premiers), Worst (last week’s)
• FX– The Incredible Hulk, Hancock (again and again)
• History– Aliens!
• Lifetime– Murder by Numbers
• Oxygen– Kiss the Girls x 2
• Sci Fi– Face Off (Series Premier)
• Turner Classic– Lucky Jordan, The Snows of Kilimanjaro
• TLC– Toddlers & Tiaras (premier)
• TNT– Bones marathon
• Travel– Man v. Food marathon (thank goodness), The Traveler’s Guide to Life (Series Premier and premier)
• TV Land- Hot in Cleveland, Retired at 35 x 3 (premiers and Instapeats)
• USA– NCIS marathon
• Vs.– Devils @ Red Wings

Later-

• Turner Classic– Phantom Lady, Love Me Tonight
• USA– Fairly Legal (Series Premier repeat)

Dave in repeats from 1/11.  Jon has Jonathan Alter (ugh), Stephen Michael Waldman.  Conan hosts Nick Thune, Jon Cryer, and Motorhead.

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Don’t know about you, but I’ll certainly be looking for alternative viewing tonight.

Please take your seats for the second act.

But I’m not done vomiting.

• AMC Family– Mean Girls, Mean Girls 2
• Bravo– The Fashion Show (Finale)
• Comedy– Onion SportsDome
• Disney– Eloise at the Plaza
• Discovery– Dirty Jobs (last week’s and new), Auction Kings (premier)
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Florida @ Georgia, Purdue @ Ohio State
• ESPN2– Australian Open
• Food– Cupcake Wars, Chopped (premiers)
• FX– The Incredible Hulk, Lights Out x 3 (Episode 2 premier and 2 Instapeats)
• National Geographic– English Royals (with premier)
• Oxygen– Catwoman
• Sci Fi– TNG marathon
• Speed– Monster Jam
• Turner Classic– Sons of the Desert, General Spanky, Topper
• TLC– What Not to Wear (premier)
• TNT– Bad Boys
• Travel– Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern (last week’s and new)
• USA– White Collar x 2 (premier and Instapeat)
• Vs.– Canadiens @ Flyers

Hello, Fry. Muahahahaha! Just dropped by to make sure you’re as happy with our little deal as I am… oh, give me back my hands! These things are always touching me in… places.

Later-

“The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention.” Now that *is* irony!

Not quite Bender Bending Rodriguez.

• AMC– Airplane
• Comedy– The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Playthings
• History– Top Gear (Season Finale repeat)
• Sci Fi– Dead Space: Downfall
• Turner Classic– There Goes My Heart, Zenobia
• Toon– Blue Harvest
• USA– Royal Pains (this week’s)
• VH1– Barbershop

Dave in repeats from 11/22.  Jon has James Franco, Stephen Amy Chua.  Conan hosts Steven Ho and Wanda Jackson.

Your lyrics lack subtlety! You can’t just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry!

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Lots of premiers.  No Keith day one.  Frankly I can’t think of a single reason to watch the Prison Porn channel anymore.

A good night to read a book or write a diary.

I don’t belong here, I feel it, don’t you think I feel it. I can’t do any of these vile things and I wouldn’t WANT to. Oh, my life is like death. My children are the spawn of hell, and you’re the devil. Oh God.

But baby, we LIKE you.

• ABC Family– Pretty Little Liars x 2 (premier and Instapeat), [Greek (just a premier)
• AMC– The Brave One x 2 (again and again)
• Comedy– Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia marathon (evidently someone at Zap2it or Comedy Central has noticed that these 4 year old episodes are not new)
• Disney– Hannah Montana: The Movie
• Discovery– Sr. v. Jr. (last week’s and new)
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Notre Dame @ Pittsburgh, Baylor @ Kansas State
• ESPN2– Women’s College Basketball, Iowa @ Ohio State, Australian Open
• Food– Triple D (premier)
• FX– Forgetting Sarah Marshall x 2
• History– Pawn Stars and Pickers (premiers)
• Lifetime– Final Sale
• National Geographic– Aliens! and Cannibals
• Sci Fi– Being Human marathon (actually they think they have a premier in there, but it looks like the one Series Premier  episode in an endless loop to me)
• TBS– Family Guy night
• Turner Classic– The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter, Member of the Wedding (Carson McCullers night)
• TLC– Cake Boss marathon (last week’s penultimate and Season Finale)
• Toon– Regular Show (premier)
• Travel– Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations marathon
• Vs.– Rangers @ Caps

Later-

• AMC– Overboard
• Sci Fi– Saw IV
• Spike– Barbershop
• Turner Classic– The Ballad of the Sad Cafe (more Carson)

Dave in repeats from 1/6.  Jon has Anand Giridharadas (get a Wiki page!), Stephen Charlie Rose.  Alton does Grilling and Barbecue.  Conan hosts Shaun White and Iron & Wine.

My children are in need of medical assistance! And you can sit here and smugly lecture me on the importance of tests? Tests which exist to pigeonhole childrens potential, a thing which cannot *possibly* be measured, least of all by anal compulsive HUNS! And my husband may be a “large child,” but that’s none of your business! And my children may be rotten, but they’re MINE. And I think that they’re bright, and sensitive, so I have no doubts whatsoever about their intelligence. I do however have *serious* doubts about YOURS.

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Faux is taking a run at Steelers/Jets with new episodes of Simpsons, Bob’s Burgers (Coach McGuirk), and Cleveland.

I have something to show you all! Those of you with weak stomachs should leave now! What you are about to see is a nightmare, inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka!

Holy crap! What happened?

Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God’s eye – and He blinked.

I love those moments.  I like to wave at them as they pass by.

• ABC Family– Mean Girls 2 x 2
• AMC– The Brave One x 2 (rather new)
• Bravo– Real Housewives marathon (with premier)
• Disney– Good Luck Charlie, Shake It Up (premiers)
• Discovery– Gold Rush, Hogs Gone Wild (I’m not kidding, premier)
• ESPN– Poker
• ESPN2– Australian Open
• Food– Challenge, Worst, Iron Chef America (all premiers)
• FX– Iron Man, Hancock
• History– Ax Men (last week’s and new), Top Gear (premier)
• Lifetime– The Bodyguard (horrible)
• Mational Geographic– 9 /11
• Sci Fi– Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
• Speed– Grand Am: 24 Hours at Daytona (premier)
• TBS– Mamma Mia x 2 (again)
• Turner Classic– Black Narcissus, Lost Horizon
• TNT– The Dark Knight
• Toon– Young Justice League (this week’s actual new one), Clone Wars (Part 3 of the Nightsisters Trilogy repeat)
• Vs.– Bullriding

The Venture Brothers– Ice Station Impossible, Midlife Chrysalis

Later-

• AMC– The Bone Collector
• FX– The 25th Hour
• Lifetime– Nine Months
• TBS– What Women Want
• Turner Classic– Tide of Empire (shhhh)
• TNT– The Matrix Revolutions
• Toon– Robot Chicken (premier), Mongo Wrestling (Series Premier)
• USA– Being Human (Series Premier repeat)

Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you’re fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can’t win. It’s pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?

Because I choose to.

Since this is a TV diary I should address Keith’s departure and I will at some point, but right now I’m still trying to gather information and process the implications so I hope you’ll forgive me if I’m a little off topic.

What it does point out is something I’ve long advocated.

If you want to change THE media you have to change YOUR media and in my own little way what I’m trying to demonstrate with these trivial pieces is that you have a lot of choices.

The only thing these assholes understand is ratings and the only things they care about are money (ratings) and their pouty diva cewebwity feewings (also ratings, but in addition ‘Fan’ mail and public criticism so a mite more activist).

At the very least you can avert your eyes.

PBS is premiering Austin City Limits with Sonic Youth and The Black Keys.

• ABC Family– Mean Girls, Enchanted
• Bravo– House marathon
• Discovery– Xenophobic Porn, not kidding and entirely disappointed
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Michigan State @ Purdue
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Memphis @ Alabama-Birmingham, Australian Open
• FX– The Punisher
• History– Hitler!  So we can pretend that it was all just him
• Lifetime– Unanswered Prayers, The Truth About Cats & Dogs
• Nick– iCarly marathon
• Oxygen– The Notebook x 2
• Sci Fi– Category 7: The End of the World
• TBS– Mama Mia (again), You’ve Got Mail
• Turner Classic– The Sea Hawk, The Uninvited
• TLC– Sarah Palin’s Alaska marathon (worth watching if you haven’t seen it yet)
• TNT– The Dark Knight
• Toon– Garfield’s Fun Fest, God, the Devil and Bob
• USA– NCIS marathon
• Vs.– Bull Riding

Later-

I know why you’re here, Neo. I know what you’ve been doing… why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You’re looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn’t really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It’s the question that drives us, Neo. It’s the question that brought you here.

• FX– Grand Am: 24 Hours at Daytona (premier)
• Sci Fi– Megafault, Tornado: Nature Unleashed
• TBS– Fool’s Gold
• Turner Classic– Challenge to Lassie, Knute Rockne, All American
• TNT– The Matrix
• Vs.– NBA D-League Basketball, Toros @ Flash

SNL from 12/4/10.

Boondocks– The Story of Gangstalicious, The Itis

Do you know how long I wanted to own my own restaurant?

Three weeks. At Sunday dinner, that was the first time you mentioned it. And you only started doin’ the stupid Sunday dinner thing because you saw Soul Food on cable.

We’re gonna pause this for the benefit of all ya’ll that never saw Soul Food. Soul Food is a movie about a big, humongous, black grandmother, aptly named Big Mama. Big Mama demonstrates her love by feeding herself and her offspring enormous amounts of pig lard. Then – get this – Big Mama’s arteries are so clogged, they gotta amputate her arm.

It was her leg!

Right, OK, whatever, leg. Then, she dies from a heart attack or another stroke or somethin’. And what does the family do after she dies? They get together for a Sunday dinner and eat the same food that just killed Big Mama. The *same* food. They didn’t learn a lesson, nobody went on a diet, and that’s the end of the movie.

Sunday dinners was my idea! They got that from me.

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