Dispatches From Hellpeckersville-When You Feel It Coming On

I have a tendency towards getting a little depressed every fall. I know this and I have developed certain strategies to deal with it, generally they work well. This year it’s more of a battle, not all that surprising, really. Let’s face it, it’s been kind of a shit year here at chez triv. I’m sabotaging my own strategies now and I have to cut that shit out.

Usually when I feel like this I reach out to spend time with people whose company I enjoy, and who enjoy mine. I have been doing that, but it seems there’s only a few, and although we have a very good time, when it’s over I feel an immediate and drastic letdown. I know that’s an over-reaction, I’m a grown-up, every day is not meant to be a party. They’re coming back in two weeks, not never.

I have to remember to be more like my cat. Sit in that spot of sunshine, damn it. Why does he he get to hog it all? I need to start taking my vitamin D again, because yes, I did let that slide over the summer.

I have picked up my pencils and pens again and not put them down, I’ve even taken to coloring when inspiration will not come, but I have to stop being perpetually dissatisfied with whatever I produce. I almost crumpled up and threw away a perfectly acceptable piece the other night. That little bitch voice in the back of my head was just taunting me: not good enough, triv, nope, not good enough at all. Somehow I made myself get up and walk away before I did it. Not good enough for who? But that’s depression.

I try to count my blessings, and I have many. I don’t fall into this total cult of positivity some practice here in the US, because life ain’t like that. The constant admonitions to always look on the bright side in and of itself is just too much pressure. But taking the time to stop and appreciate the good things I do have? That’s important.

I am staying far away from people and things that piss me off or make me feel bad. As much as I can, anyway. So, needless to say I didn’t watch either Republican debate. I’m watching marathons of Drunk History or stand up comedy, stuff like that. As for people? I don’t want to deal with folks who drain the life out of me just now, so I’m not going to if I don’t absolutely have to.

I don’t know if I’m going to beat it this year. I know I’m not alone, that there are many of us strugglers out there. I know I’m going to keep fighting it. I’m going to keep reminding myself that depression is a filthy liar trying to take me down, and that I’ve beaten it back before. I’m going to forgive myself for thinking it’s my own fault for letting it get so close this year. It’s really not, that’s just another lie depression tries to tell me.