Prime Time

I believe in the Church of Baseball. I’ve tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I’ve worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn’t work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there’s no guilt in baseball, and it’s never boring… which makes it like sex. There’s never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn’t have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I’d never sleep with a player hitting under .250… not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there’s a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I’ve got a ballplayer alone, I’ll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. ‘Course, a guy’ll listen to anything if he thinks it’s foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. ‘Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball – now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God’s sake? It’s a long season and you gotta trust. I’ve tried ’em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.

You could watch something else, but why?

• ABC Family– Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride, The Haunted Mansion
• AMC– Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers ], [House on Haunted Hill (not the good 1959 version)
• Bravo– Top Chef
• Disney– Return to Halloweentown
• Discovery– Mythbusters x 2 (premiers), Storm Chasers (also new)
• ESPN– Bulls @ Thunder
• ESPN2– World Series of Poker marathon (last week’s and this)
• Food– Next (this week’s), Tailgate Warriors With Guy Fieri (premier)
• Golf– Tin Cup (have I mentioned this is a pretty good movie?)
• FX– The Strangers, Terriers (premier)
• Lifetime– The Messengers x 2
• Oxygen– Monster In Law x 2 (again and again and again)
• Turner Classic– The Lady Eve, Sweet Smell of Success
• TNT– The Bourne Supremacy
• Travel– Man v. Food marathon (thank goodness)
• USA– NCIS marathon
• Vs.– Wildcats x 2

Later-

• AMC– Return to House on Haunted Hill (aren’t there other scary movies?)
• ESPN– Blazers @ Clippers
• Oxygen– Bandidas
• Sci Fi– The Possessed
• Turner Classic– Lady of the Night (shhhh), Gold Diggers of 1933
• Toon– Family Guy (2 Part Star Wars)
• USA– Casino Royale (Craig)

Dave hosts Dana Carvey.  Jon has Barack Obama, Stephen Apolo Anton Ohno.  No Alton.

Boondocks– The Block Is Hot.

Fox and Cablevision at last report have not resolved their dispute.  I must admit I don’t follow every pitch, but I do try and report developing scoring situations and their results.  Since this is likely to be a Pitchers’ Duel (the most boring kind of Baseball) there will probably be a lot of ‘inning reports’ (as in “nothing happened this inning”).  Lincecum and Lee may face each other up to 3 times this Series, but the Giant’s Ace-In-The-Hole is Brian Wilson who was the most successful multi-inning reliever both during the season and in the Playoffs.  I’m hard pressed to decide who I hate more, the Polo Grounds deserters or W‘s ex-team, but my smart money still goes on the Senior League because World Series are about pitching, not offense, and the Junior Leaguers’ offense is sabotaged by the pernicious ‘Designated Hitter’ rule that makes their pitchers an easy out anyway.

Giants in 6.

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