Tag: TV

Prime Time

Pretty solid premiers. V, double shot of NCIS, Frontline covers Egypt.

Snakes.  Why is it always snakes.

Oh, Marcus. What are you trying to do, scare me? You sound like my mother. We’ve known each other for a long time. I don’t believe in magic, a lot of superstitious hocus pocus. I’m going after a find of incredible historical significance, you’re talking about the boogie man. Besides, you know what a cautious fellow I am.

Later-

Barzini is dead. So is Phillip Tattallgia. Moe Green. Slacci. Cuneo. Today I settled all family business so don’t tell me that you’re innocent. Admit what you did.

Dave hosts Amy Poehler, Jean Chu and her cat, and Deerhunter.  Jon has Anderson Cooper, Stephen Bing West (an interesting piece from digby about Jon and his false equivalence ‘centrism’ and ‘civility’.  Let me just add a hearty “Fuck you, you privileged poppycock asshole” Jon.).  Conan hosts Matthew Perry, Mike Sorrentino, and Jason Aldean.

You’re not a wartime Consigliari, Tom. Things could get rough with the move we’re making.

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Prime Time

Lots of premiers.  "Television is a vast wasteland".

Gozer the Gozerian… good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.

Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities, we didn’t have to produce anything! You’ve never been out of college! You don’t know what it’s like out there! I’ve *worked* in the private sector. They expect *results*.

Later-

Hey. Does this pole still work? Wow. This place is great. When can we move in? You gotta try this pole. I’m gonna get my stuff. Hey. We should stay here. Tonight. Sleep here. You know, to try it out.

Dave hosts War Criminal Donald Rumsfeld, also Cobie Smulders and Adele.  Jon has Lisa Ling, Stephen Eugene Jarecki.  Alton does breakfast and buns.  Conan hosts Ed Helms, Carmelo Anthony, and Chromeo.

I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft!

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Prime Time

A new season of Amazing Race.  Animation dominaton on Faux (all premiers).  SNL marathon.  Nature has a very sad premier about Tigers.  Masterpiece Theater spins a yarn about Ian Fleming.

And the NBA All Star Game on TNT.

Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There’s no escape. I’m God’s lonely man… June 8th. My life has taken another turn again. The days can go on with regularity over and over, one day indistinguishable from the next. A long continuous chain. Then suddenly, there is a change.

I’ll tell you why. I think you’re a lonely person. I drive by this place a lot and I see you here. I see a lot of people around you. And I see all these phones and all this stuff on your desk. It means nothing. Then when I came inside and I met you, I saw in your eyes and I saw the way you carried yourself that you’re not a happy person. And I think you need something. And if you want to call it a friend, you can call it a friend.

Later-

Child, how can you see with all that light?

Widdicome, Gutterman, Applewhite, Bibberman and Black. You want to talk to Mr. Gutterman? One moment, sir. I’ll connect you. Widdicome, Gutterman, Applewhite, Bibberman and Black. Oh, yes Mr. Bibberman. You’d like to talk with Mr. Applewhite? Oh, yes, sir, he’s in. I’ll connect you. Widdicome, Gutterman, Applewhite, Bib-bib-bib-blib-bibman and Black? Oh yes, long distance, how are you? Oh. Mr Widdecome? I have your San Francisco call for you. Yes, Mr. Bibberman? Oh. Did I connect you to Mr. Gutterman instead of Mr. Applewhite? I’m sorry Mr. Bibbicome, Bibbibibbib. Oh Mr. Applewhite, what are you doing in that hole with Mr. Gutterman? Yes Mr. Widdicome? Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I’ll try to reconnect you again with San Francisco. Let me see, Mr. Bibibib is in there talking to Mr. Bubbawhite. Where on earth is Mr. Applewhite? Oh, there you are Mr. Applewhite! Mr. Widdicome, there’s no such place as San Francisco. Please! Mr. Bibibib? Mr. Widdicome?

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Prime Time

Hardly any premiers.  Over the Hedge.  Austin City Limits has Willie Nelson

Oh. Well, a few years back, Oprah said some shit on her show about beef. You know, Mad Cow Disease or some shit. Anyway, the beef industry didn’t exactly find that shit amusing. They figured they’d send a crew of armed Texans to teach Oprah a lesson. Ex-Marines, ex-Texas Rangers, rouges, that kinda shit. But Oprah had hired Bushido Brown as her personal boydguard. Apparently, only one dude managed to actually lay a hand on Oprah’s office door. They say… Bushido Brown kept that hand.

Oprah Winfrey taps directly into the emotions, beliefs, buying habits and summer reading patterns of billions of women all over the world! Oprah Winfrey has the power to lay waste an entire industry with a mere utterance! She’s a completely invincible, unstoppable force of nature and with her under our control… nobody would be able to stop us!

Later-

Could you tell the court what it is that you do? You’re a type of magician?

Well, if you must call me that, yes. But, if you are after mere parlor tricks, you will be sorely disappointed. For if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out, but your very soul!

SNL– from 12/11/10

BoondocksLet’s Nab Oprah.  The Venture BrothersTrial of the Monarch

Hey, just because we don’t know anyone tryin’ to stop us, don’t mean ain’t nobody out there tryin’ to stop us. The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.

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Prime Time

Pretty solid premiers, none worth remarking on.

All my brothers and brothers-in-laws tell me what a good-hearted guy I am. You don’t get to be good-hearted by accident. You get kicked around long enough, you become a professor of pain.

Ma, sooner or later, there comes a point in a man’s life when he’s gotta face some facts. And one fact I gotta face is that, whatever it is that women like, I ain’t got it.

Later-

Right now, there is a whole, an entire generation that never knew anything that didn’t come out of this tube. This tube is the gospel, the ultimate revelation; this tube can make or break presidents, popes, prime ministers; this tube is the most awesome goddamn propaganda force in the whole godless world, and woe is us if it ever falls into the hands of the wrong people, and that’s why woe is us that Edward George Ruddy died. Because this company is now in the hands of CCA, the Communications Corporation of America; there’s a new chairman of the board, a man called Frank Hackett, sitting in Mr. Ruddy’s office on the twentieth floor. And when the 12th largest company in the world controls the most awesome goddamn propaganda force in the whole godless world, who knows what shit will be peddled for truth on this network?

Dave hosts David Spade, Andy Kindler, and Lukas Nelson and Promise of the Real.

It’s too late, Diana. There’s nothing left in you that I can live with. You’re one of Howard’s humanoids. If I stay with you, I’ll be destroyed. Like Howard Beale was destroyed. Like Laureen Hobbs was destroyed. Like everything you and the institution of television touch is destroyed. You’re television incarnate, Diana: Indifferent to suffering; insensitive to joy. All of life is reduced to the common rubble of banality. War, murder, death are all the same to you as bottles of beer. And the daily business of life is a corrupt comedy. You even shatter the sensations of time and space into split seconds and instant replays. You’re madness, Diana. Virulent madness. And everything you touch dies with you. But not me. Not as long as I can feel pleasure, and pain… and love. And it’s a happy ending: Wayward husband comes to his senses, returns to his wife, with whom he has established a long and sustaining love. Heartless young woman left alone in her arctic desolation. Music up with a swell; final commercial. And here are a few scenes from next week’s show.

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Prime Time

Lots of premiers including the new La Femme Nikita.

I don’t understand you people! I mean all these picky little points you keep bringing up. They don’t mean nothing. You saw this kid just like I did. You’re not gonna tell me you believe that phony story about losing the knife, and that business about being at the movies. Look, you know how these people lie! It’s born in them! I mean what the heck? I don’t have to tell you. They don’t know what the truth is! And lemme tell you, they don’t need any real big reason to kill someone, either! No sir! They get drunk… oh, they’re real big drinkers, all of ’em – you know that – and bang: someone’s lyin’ in the gutter. Oh, nobody’s blaming them for it. That’s the way they are! By nature! You know what I mean? VIOLENT! Where’re you going? Human life don’t mean as much to them as it does to us! Look, they’re lushing it up and fighting all the time and if somebody gets killed, so somebody gets killed! They don’t care! Oh, sure, there are some good things about ’em, too. Look, I’m the first one to say that. I’ve known a couple who were OK, but that’s the exception, y’know what I mean? Most of ’em, it’s like they have no feelings! They can do anything! What’s goin’ on here? I’m trying to tell you… you’re makin’ a big mistake, you people! This kid is a liar! I know it. I know all about them! Listen to me! They’re no good! There’s not a one of ’em who is any good! I mean, what’s happening in here? I’m speaking my piece, and you… Listen to me. We’re… This kid on trial here… his type, well, don’t you know about them? There’s a, there’s a danger here. These people are dangerous. They’re wild. Listen to me. Listen.

I have. Now sit down and don’t open your mouth again.

Later-

Dave hosts Paris Hilton, Nathan Fillion, and Scissor Sisters.  Jon has Ed Gillespie (ugh), Stephen Eric Foner.  Conan hosts Martin Short, Chris Bosh, and Nicole Atkins.

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Prime Time

Almost solid premiers.  PBS has a Nova marathon including two of them.

Those are movies, damn you! Look at me! I’m flesh and blood, life-size, no larger! I’m not that silly God-damned hero! I never was!

Alfredo, you needn’t wait. We shan’t need the car any more. We’re going to throw up in the park and then walk home.

Later-

Alfredo, telephone the Stork Club, we’ll be two for dinner.

You sure you want the Stork Club, Mr. Swann?

It’s been a year and a half. Surely they’ve repaired the wall of the bandstand by now.

Dave hosts Bill Hader, Krystal Smith, and Amos Lee.  Jon has Brian Williams (ugh), Stephen Kurt Andersen.  Conan hosts Martin Lawrence, Fred Armisen, and Reggie Watts.

Women love to be intrigued. They enjoy unraveling the mystery that is man, but you must allow them the freedom to discover you.

Is that what you do?

No. I don’t have that luxury. The women who are interested in me know exactly who I am and what they want, and nine times out of ten, they get it.

That’s some curse.

You’d be surprised. You see, no matter what I do, I can never fulfill their expectations.

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Prime Time

Well, if you’re any kind of hip at all you’ll be liveblogging the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show with us (on USA @ 8 pm ET, Best in Show), but there’s no accounting for taste.  Otherwise you have a bunch of premiers including the next episode of V and 2 NCISes (not to be confused with R.O.U.S.es).

There are places in this world that aren’t made out of stone. That there’s something inside… that they can’t get to, that they can’t touch.

Later-

Rehabilitated? Well, now let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means.

Dave hosts more swimsuit models, Forest Whitaker, Joy Philbin, and Josh Groban.  Jon has January Jones, Stephen David Albright.  Conan hosts Phil McGraw and Ginnifer Goodwin.

You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific? They say it has no memory. That’s where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory.

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Prime Time

Back at the old stand.  Pretty solid premiers, none worth watching.  Thanks to TheMomCat for filling in with her Grammy Liveblog.  Tonight’s BIG news is the 135th Westminster Kennel Club on USA, though it looks like they’re going to crush it so you can watch the WWE with Republican Wingnut failure Linda McMahon (Update: TheMomCat says coverage continues on CNBC).

Also Pitchers and Catchers report.

I remember every detail.  The Germans wore gray, you wore blue.

You’ll excuse me, gentlemen. Your business is politics, mine is running a saloon.

Later-

Say, mister. Will you stake a fellow American to a meal?

Dave hosts Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, Tom Brokaw (ugh), and Theophilus London.  Jon has Edward Glaeser, Stephen LCD Soundsystem.  Alton does Dumplings and Wontons.  Conan hosts Justin Bieber (fresh off his loss as Best New Artist), Claire Smith, and The Black Keys.

Do you believe that stuff the old man was saying the other night at the Oso Negro about gold changin’ a man’s soul so’s he ain’t the same sort of man as he was before findin’ it?

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Now with Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show liveblogging.

Prime Time

Turn Left Racing.  Hairspray (not the good 1988 version).  Austin City Limits has Pearl Jam.  Also the best movie about politics ever (and it’s not Snow White).

My father is no different than any powerful man, any man with power, like a president or senator.

Do you know how naive you sound, Michael? Presidents and senators don’t have men killed.

Oh?  Who’s being naive, Kay?

Give this job to Clemenza.  I want reliable people, people who aren’t going to be carried away.  I mean, we’re not murderers, in spite of what this undertaker thinks…

Later-

I went to the Police like a good American.  These two boys were arrested and brought to trial.  The judge sentenced them to three years in prison, and suspended the sentence.  Suspended sentence!  They went free that very day.  I stood in the courtroom like a fool, and those bastards, they smiled at me.  Then I said to my wife, for Justice, we must go to The Godfather.

Bonasera, we know each other for years, but this is the first time you come to me for help.  I don’t remember the last time you invited me to your house for coffee… even though our wives are friends.

SNLRussell Brand and Chris Brown.

BoondocksWingmen, The Venture BrothersPast Tense

You never think to protect yourself with real friends.  You think it’s enough to be an American.  All right, the Police protects you, there are Courts of Law, so you don’t need a friend like me.  But now you come to me and say Don Corleone, you must give me justice.  And you don’t ask in respect or friendship.  And you don’t think to call me Godfather; instead you come to my house on the day my daughter is to be married and you ask me to do murder…for money.

America has been good to me…

Then take the justice from the judge, the bitter with the sweet, Bonasera.  But if you come to me with your friendship, your loyalty, then your enemies become my enemies, and then, believe me, they would fear you…

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