Tag: TV

Some premiers.  No LoDo, which is a good thing, but you pay for it with no Keith and Rachel repeats and no Jon and Stephen.  No Conan either.

No matter what they say, it’s all about money. So let’s imagine, ladies, that you’re a savings and loan officer. Watch – one, two, three; see, you’ve got it all, and we’ve got nothing. You’ve got all four, take a look.

• AMC– Swordfish, The Specialist
• Bravo– The Pacifier
• Disney– Wizards of Waverly Place, Fish Hooks (premiers), Phineas and Ferb
• Discovery– Alaska! Gold Rush x 2 (last week’s and new), Flying Wild (premier)
• ESPN– Hoopies, Knicks @ Spurs, Lakers @ Nuggets
• ESPN2– Australian Open
• FX– What Happens in Vegas x 2
• National Geographic– Dog Whisperer (premier)
• Oxygen– Pretty Woman x 2
• Sci Fi– Merlin (premier)
• Style– Only You
• TBS– Mama Mia
• Turner Classic– City Streets, Scarface
• TNT– Kill Bill: Vol 1 and Vol 2
• Toon– Clone Wars (Nightsisters Part 3 premier)

Later-

• AMC– Return to House on Haunted Hill
• Sci Fi– Being Human (Series Premer repeat), Merlin (Instapeat)
• Style– A Perfect Murder
• TBS– Step Up, Step Up 2: The Streets
• Turner Classic– Little Caesar, The Mayor of Hell
• TNT– Batman & Robin
• USA– Harry’s Law (Series Premier repeat)

Dave hosts Nathan Lane, Mike Palascak (get a wiki page!), and Esperanza Spalding.

A staple of the superhero mythology is, there’s the superhero and there’s the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When that character wakes up in the morning, he’s Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic Superman stands alone. Superman didn’t become Superman. Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he’s Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red “S”, that’s the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears – the glasses, the business suit – that’s the costume. That’s the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent. He’s weak… he’s unsure of himself… he’s a coward. Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race.

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Some premiers.

Facts, Hercule, facts! Nothing matters but the facts. Without them the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game. Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat… You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! I have nothing to point with now!… have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, What is the inescapable conclusion?

Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.

What? You idiot! It’s impossible. She’s protecting someone.

How do you know that?

Instinct!

But, the facts…

• ABC Family– Liar Liar
• AMC– Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Demolition Man
• Animal Planet– Planet Earth marathon
• Bravo– Real Housewives marathon (with premier)
• Discovery– Survival marathon (with premier)
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Florida @ Auburn, Indiana @ Wisconsin
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, South Florida @ Rutgers, Virginia Tech @ Maryland
• Food– Ace of Cakes (premier)
• FX– There’s Something About Mary
• History– New Conspiracy Theories!
• Lifetime– My Daughter’s Secret
• National Geographic– Naked Science (premier)
• Sci Fi– Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead, The Hitcher (not the good 1986 version)
• TBS– Save the Last Dance
• Turner Classic– The Pink Panther, A Shot in the Dark (Peter Sellers night)
• TNT– Hoopies, Mavs @ Bulls, Clippers @ Trail Blazers
• USA– Royal Pains x 2 (premier + Instapeat), Fairly Legal x 2 (Series Premier + Instapeat)
• VH1– Fight Club

Later-

• AMC– Crocodile Dundee
• ESPN2– Australian Open
• Sci Fi– The Midnight Meat Train, Being Human (Series Premier repeat)
• Turner Classic– Murder by Death, Casino Royale (the good, if chaotic, 1967 version)
• USA– White Collar (this week’s)
• VH1– SNL marathon

Dave hosts Kaley Cuoco, Piers Morgan, Wanda Jackson, and yodeling ventriloquist Alyse Eady.  Jon has Kambiz Hosseini and Saman Arbabi, Stephen Chris Matthews (ugh).  Conan hosts Marc Maron and Aloe Blacc.

New York City, Mr. Dundee. Home to seven million people.

That’s incredible. Imagine seven million people all wanting to live together. Yeah, New York must be the friendliest place on earth.

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Pretty much premiers.  Nova has 2 that Neil deGrasse Tyson was whoring on The Daily Show last night.

I never got to say goodbye to my father. There’s questions I would’ve asked him. I would’ve asked him how he felt about what his company did, if he was conflicted, if he ever had doubts. Or maybe he was every inch of man we remember from the newsreels. I saw young Americans killed by the very weapons I created to defend them and protect them. And I saw that I had become part of a system that is comfortable with zero-accountability.

Mr. Stark! What happened over there?

I had my eyes opened. I came to realize that I had more to offer this world than just making things that blow up. And that is why, effective immediately, I am shutting down the weapons manufacturing division of Stark Industries.

• AMC– The Walking Dead marathon
• Bravo– Top Chef marathon (with premier)
• Disney– Chicken Little
• Discovery– Mythbusters marathon (with premier)
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Duke @ North Carolina State; Hoopies, Lakers @ Mavs
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Cincinnati @ Notre Dame, A&M @ Texas
• Food– Worst (this week’s), Restaurant: Impossible (premier)
• FX– Hancock, Iron Man
• History– Conspiracy Theories and Hell
• Lifetime– Serious Moonlight
• Oxygen– Titanic (again, most over rated movie ever)
• Turner Classic– Badlands, This Sporting Life
• TLC– Toddlers and Tiaras (premier)
• TNT– Bones marathon
• Travel– Man v. Food marathon (thank goodness, with premier)
• TV Land– Hot in Cleveland (Season Premier), Retired at 35 (Series Premier)
• USA– NCIS marathon
• Vs.– Tin Cup

Later-

• ESPN2– Australian Open
• Turner Classic– Duck Soup
• USA– Inside Man x 2

Dave hosts Martin Short and Darius Rucker.  Jon has Paul Clemens, Stephen Ron Reagan Jr..  Conan hosts Natalie Portman, Chris Pratt, and Keyshia Cole.

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

You’re a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you’re out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we’ll be in be in here thinking what a sucker you are.

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Almost all premiers.  V.  PBS has Pioneers of Television– Science Fiction.

You want to be a good archaeologist, you’ve got to get out of the library!

• ABC Family– Along Came Polly
• AMC– The Walking Dead marathon
• Bravo– Golden Globes repeat
• Comedy– Onion SportsDome (premier)
• Disney– Legally Blondes
• Discovery– Dirty Jobs (last week’s and new), Auction Kings (premier)
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Michigan State @ Illinois, Kentucky @ Alabama
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Colorado @ Nebraska, Australian Open
• Food– Cupcake Wars, Chopped (premiers)
• FX– Hancock, Lights Out x 3 (premier and Instapeats)
• National Geographic– Rome and the Middle Ages
• Oxygen– The Perfect Man
• Sci Fi– Next Gen marathon
• TBS– Family Guy marathon, Glory Daze (premier)
• Turner Classic– Screen Directors Playhouse marathon (premiers)
• TLC– What Not To Wear (premier)
• TNT– Transformers (again)
• Toon– Scooby-Doo! The Mystery Begins
• Travel– Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern (premier)
• USA– Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, White Collar (premier)
• Vs.– Canadiens @ Sabres

Later-

• Oxygen– Titanic

Dave hosts Betty White, Kardashians, and The Script.  Jon has Neil deGrasse Tyson, Stephen Cornel West.  Conan hosts Jennifer Garner and Gabriel Iglesias.

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A lot of premiers.

There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

• ABC Family– Pretty Little Liars, Greek
• AMC– Chronicles of Riddick x 2
• Bravo– Real Housewives marathon
• Comedy– Scary Movie 3, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia marathon (all new to Comedy)
• Disney– The Suite Life on Deck (All 3 Twister repeats)
• Discovery– Sr. v. Jr (premier)
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Syracuse @ Pittsburgh, Kansas @ Baylor
• ESPN2– Women’s College Basketball, Connecticut @ North Carolina, Australian Open
• Food– Triple D (premier)
• FX– Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer x 2
• History– Pawn Stars x 2, American Pickers (premiers)
• Lifetime– Anywhere but Here, The Greatest
• Nick– Victorious x 2 (premiers), Supah Ninjas (Series Premier)
• Sci Fi– Underworld: Evolution, Being Human x 3 (Series Premier and Instapeats)
• Spike– A Bronx Tale
• TBS– Family Guy marathon
• Turner Classic– A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, Camelot
• TLC– Cake Boss (last week’s and new)
• TNT– Hoopies, Magic @ Celtics, Thunder @ Lakers
• Toon– Regular Show, Robotomy (premiers)
• Vs.– Kings @ Stars

Later-

• AMC– Airplane
• Sci Fi– Ghost Ship
• Spike– Goodfellas
• Turner Classic– Prince Valiant
• Travel– Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations marathon

Dave hosts Jack Hanna and Steven Tyler.  Jon has Peter Bergen, Stephen Sherry Turkle.  Alton does Crackers and Dutch Ovens.  Conan hosts Cameron Diaz, Dax Shepard, and My Chemical Romance.

After awhile, it got to be all normal. None of it seemed like crime. It was more like Henry was enterprising, and that he and the guys were making a few bucks hustling, while all the other guys were sitting on their asses, waiting for handouts. Our husbands weren’t brain surgeons, they were blue-collar guys. The only way they could make extra money, real extra money, was to go out and cut a few corners.

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Premiers all over.  60 Minutes because of the ball game.  Animation Domination.  PBS counter programs with Downton Abbey.  68th Golden Globes.

I do want to thank you for offering such a powerful piece of manpower as Virgil Tibbs.

• ABC Family– Matilda, Bruce Almighty
• AMC– Chronicles of Riddick x 2
• Bravo– Real Housewives marathon (with premier)
• Disney– Part 3 of The Suite Life on Deck Twister Trilogy, Good Luck Charlie (premiers)
• Discovery– Animals Attack!
• ESPN– Hoopies, Nuggets @ Spurs
• ESPN2– Breakneck, Australian Open
• Food– Worst (premier)
• FX– Iron Man
• – Ax Men (last week’s and new), [Top Gear http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T… (premier)
• Lifetime– Soul Food, Beauty Shop
• Oxygen– Titanic
• Sci Fi– Underworld, Underworld: Evolution
• Style– The Dish (premier)
• TBS– Meet the Fockers x 2
• Turner Classic– In the Heat of the Night, The Liberation of L.B. Jones
• TNT– Transformers x 2 (in case you didn’t get enough last night)
• Toon– Young Justice League (Part 2 of the Series Premier repeat), Clone Wars (Part 2 of the Nightsisters Trilogy repeat)
• USA– NCIS marathon
• Vs.– Bullriding and Snowboarding

Orpheus! I am known to men as Dr. Orpheus! And mine is to perceive and control the delicate arrangement of the cosmos!

They give out Ph.Ds for that?

Junior college upstate, communication major, minor in women’s studies. But I assure you, sir, the doctor title was bestowed upon me by a higher power than a mere college professor!

The Venture Brothers– Eeney, Meeney, Miney… Magic, Ghosts of the Sargasso

Oh, ya’ think, genius. What was it that tipped ya’ off, brainiac? Was it the rubber mask; maybe the huge zipper? But you had to go and kill ‘im anyway. If you’d a played by the rules, the Ghost Pirate rules, none of this would have happened! But, no, you had to go and kill a guy.

Later-

• AMC– Pitch Black
• FX– Lights Out (Series Premier repeat), Hellboy II: The Golden Army
• Lifetime– Bond of Silence
• Oxygen– The Other Boleyn Girl
• Sci Fi– Skinwalkers, BloodRayne 2: Deliverance
• TBS– Fun With Dick & Jane (not the good 1977 version)
• Turner Classic– Dekigokoro (shhhhh)
• TNT– I Am Legend (why remake a Charlton Heston movie?)
• Toon– Childrens Hospital, Robot Chicken (premier), Moral Orel Charity (Episode 4)
• USA– Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, The Big Bounce

OK, so tell us a little bit about yourself.

I’m the founder of 23 different radical leftist organizations including the Africans Fighting Racism and Oppression or AFRO, if you will, uh, the Black Revolutionary Organization or BRO, uh… and also the Black Revolutionary Underground Heroes…

Um, BRUH?

Yeah, BRUH.

Well, the big news tonight is the Divisional Throwball Playoffs (which I intend to bump when we get past the ceremonial drek).  On broadcast only PBS is pushing a premier of Austin City Limits with The National and Band of Horses.  But there are other things to watch-

• ABC Family– Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Goonies
• AMC– The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Demolition Man
• Bravo– House marathon
• Disney– The Suite Life on Deck (part 2 of last night’s premier)
• Discovery– Dirty Jobs marathon
• E!– Honey x 2 (again and again)
• ESPN– Women’s College Basketball, Vanderbilt @ Tennessee
• ESPN2– PBA Bowling (World Championship), Live Poker
• Food– Challenge marathon
• FX– Hellboy
• History– American Pickers marathon
• Lifetime– Dying Young, Erin Brockovich (Julia Roberts night)
• Oxygen– Juno x 2 (again and again)
• Sci Fi– Meteor Storm, Behemoth x 2
• Spike– The Hunted, Ladder 49
• TBS– Meet the Parents, The Love Guru
• Turner Classic– Black Orpheus, Missing (a little new for Turner Classic)
• TNT– Transformers x 2
• Toon– God, the Devil and Bob (new to Toon)
• Vs.– Bullriding, Snowboarding

Why would they lie to me?

Because the truth hurts, Jazmine. The world is a hard and lonely place and nobody gets anything for free. And you want to know what else? One day, you and everyone you know is gonna die.

Later-

Obi-Wan Kenobi once said: “Your eyes can deceive you, don’t trust them.” Seems to be getting harder distinguishing reality from the illusions that people make for us OR from the ones that we make for ourselves… I don’t know, maybe that’s part of the plan. To make me think I’m crazy.

It’s working.

.

• ABC Family– Godzilla
• AMC– Enter the Dragon
• Sci Fi– Disaster Zone: Volcano in New York
• Spike– Waterworld (just as bad as they say it is)
• TBS– Drillbit Taylor
• Turner Classic– Friendly Persuasion
• TNT– Resident Evil: Apocalypse
• USA– The Break-Up
• Vs.– NBA D-League Hoopies

SNL– Gwyneth Paltrow and Cee Lo Green

Boondocks– The Real, A Date With the Health Inspector

And so, we’re raising the Terror Alert Level to intense orange-red, based on very credible, detailed information on a non-specific threat. Could it be a hijacking? Absolutely possible. Chemical or biological agent? You bet it could happen. Suicide bomber? Hey, you never know. But what we do know is that it’s absolutely, positively gonna happen today… maybe.

Some premiers.  The secret ingredient in Mystic Pizza sauce (yes, there actually is such a place) is copious quantities of crushed red pepper.

Klaatu barada nikto.

• AMC– The Day The Earth Stood Still x 2
• Bravo– Jerry Maguire x 2
• Disney– The Suite Life on Deck (premier)
• Discovery– Flying Wild Alaska (Series Premier), Gold Rush (last week’s and new)
• E!– The Soup (premier)
• ESPN– Hoopies, Mavs @ Spurs, Blazers @ Suns
• ESPN2– High School Hoopies, St. Patrick NJ @ Winter Park FL
• FX– Eagle Eye, Hitman
• National Geographic– Dog Whisperer (premier)
• Oxygen– Next Friday x 2
• Sci Fi– Merlin (premier)
• Style– Mystic Pizza
• TBS– Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy x 2
• Turner Classic– 99 River Street, Kansas City Confidential (John Payne night)
• TLC– Say Yes to the Dress marathon (with 2 premiers)
• TNT– The Hulk
• Toon– Clone Wars (Part 2 of the Nightsisters Trilogy)

Later-

• AMC– The Abyss
• Disney– Phineas and Ferb marathon
• FX– Lights Out (Series Premier repeat), Archer (this week’s)
• MTV– Freedom Writers
• Oxygen– Catwoman
• Sci Fi– Merlin (Instapeat)
• Turner Classic– The Crooked Way, To the Shores of Tripoli (more Payne)
• TNT– Deep Blue Sea, The Time Machine

Dave hosts Joan Rivers, Jeff Caldwell, and Wintersleep.  

There’s nothing strange about Washington, Mr. Carpenter.

A person from another planet might disagree with you.

Some premiers.  On an existential note, what is it like to drop out of your timeline entirely and find that your exisitence had no impact whatever on history?

I think I’d dump Bill too.

A good fight should be like a small play, but played seriously. A good martial artist does not become tense, but ready. Not thinking, yet not dreaming. Ready for whatever may come. When the opponent expands, I contract. When he contracts, I expand. And when there is an opportunity, I do not hit. It hits all by itself.

• ABC Family– Van Helsing
• AMC– Enter the Dragon x 2
• Bravo– Real Housewives marathon (with premier)
• Disney– 16 Wishes, Phineas and Ferb
• Discovery– Mythbusters, Sr. v. Jr., Oddities (premier)
• E!– The Princess Diaries
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Purdue @ Minnesota, Virginia Tech @ North Carolina
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Providence @ West Virginia, Mississippi State @ Mississippi
• Food– Ace of Cakes (premier)
• FX– Double Jeopardy x 2
• History– Conspiracy Theories marathon (with premier)
• Lifetime– Poison Ivy II: Lily
• National Geograhic– Naked Science (premier)
• Sci Fi– Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
• TBS– 50 First Dates
• Turner Classic– Only Two Can Play, The Millionairess (Peter Sellers night)
• TNT– Hoopies, Magic @ Thunder, Heat @ Nuggets
• Travel– Man v. Food marathon (thank goodness)
• USA– The Break-Up
• VH1– SNL marathon

Keyboard. How quaint.

Later-

I’m going to sleep this off. Please let me know if there’s some other way we can screw up tonight.

• AMC– 48 Hours
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Loyola Marymount @ Portland
• Sci Fi– Sunshine, Crimson Force
• Turner Classic– I Love You, Alice B. Toklas, What’s New, Pussycat? (more Peter Sellers)
• Travel– Man v. Food marathon (thank goodness)
• VH1– When Harry Met Sally

No, no, no, I never said that… Yes, that’s right, they can’t be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can… This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted… That doesn’t work either, because what happens then is, the person you’re involved with can’t understand why you need to be friends with the person you’re just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say “No, no, no it’s not true, nothing is missing from the relationship,” the person you’re involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you’re just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let’s face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can’t be friends.

Dave hosts Kelsey Grammer (ugh), Amar’e Stoudemire, and Gregg Allman.  Jon has Ron Howard, Stephen Kevin Spacey.  Conan hosts Ricky Gervais, Kaitlin Olson, and Cheap Trick.

You know what I am? I’m your worst fuckin’ nightmare, man. I’m a nigger with a badge which means I got permission to kick your fuckin’ ass whenever I feel like it!

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Some premiers, none of note except for American Masters‘ Jeff Bridges, part of a marathon with The Doors.

I never got to say goodbye to my father. There’s questions I would’ve asked him. I would’ve asked him how he felt about what his company did, if he was conflicted, if he ever had doubts. Or maybe he was every inch of man we remember from the newsreels. I saw young Americans killed by the very weapons I created to defend them and protect them. And I saw that I had become part of a system that is comfortable with zero-accountability.

• AMC– Swordfish, The Specialist
• Bravo– Top Chef marathon (with premier)
• Disney– The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, Phineas and Ferb
• Discovery– Howe & Howe, Mythbusters (premiers)
• ESPN– College Hoopies, Pittsburgh @ Georgetown, Duke @ Florida State
• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Louisville @ Villanova, Kansas @ Iowa State
• Food– Worst, Dinner Impossible
• FX– Iron Man
• History– Doooooooooooooooomed! I tells ya.
• Turner Classic– The Good Earth
• Travel– Man v. Food marathon (thank goodness, with premier)
• USA– NCIS marathon
• Vs.– NBA D League Hoopies, Rio Grande Valley Vipers @ Erie BayHawks

Later-

• ESPN2– College Hoopies, Nevada @ Idaho
• FX– Spiderman 3
• Sci Fi– The Cape (Series Premier repeat)
• Turner Classic– The Great Ziegfeld
• Travel– More Man v. Food (thank goodness, with premier)
• USA– Dukes of Hazzard x 2

Dave hosts Kevin James, Olivia Munn, and The Low Anthem.  Jon has Tim Pawlenty (yuck), Stephen Bernard-Henri Levy.  Conan hosts Denis Leary, Tim Minchin, and Ice Cube.

Whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have raging inside us, we always have a choice. My friend Harry taught me that. He chose to be the best of himself. It’s the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what’s right.

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