Desert Island with Stossel, Carlson, and Hannity 20101230

I rarely write fiction, because I am better at scientific nonfiction.  However, listening to Stossel on the Fox “News” Network just now has stimulated me to imagine.  And what an imagination it is!

The three of them were on a junket and their small aeroplane crashed, gently, onto an uncharted island, sort of like Gilligan’s.  The three of them, plus the pilot (a rank amateur) and the other crew of one (a 55 year old mother of three) survived, but in very different camps.

Stossel awakened first and looked over the debris field.  “Hmmmm, there must be lots of peanuts in the wreckage.  They might be several meals.  I better get them before everyone else awakens.  Besides, they probably would not form a small government with me for our mutual advantage, so I will get those peanuts before they do.”

Hannity was next.  Having eaten most of the peanuts whislt the craft was in the air, he was full but cold.  “Well, I had better get some firewood together and get warm.  I hate the cold!”  So he assembled lots of firewood and used his fiery breath to start it.  “And they pay me for this!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  If only they knew that I do not have any core values!  But my breath is still hot!”  Then he blew a fire into existence.

Tucker Carlson finally awakened and was both cold and hungry.  Not knowing how to do anything, he asked Hannity if he could warm up by the fire.  “No, to hell with you, Carlson, all you do is say stupid stuff.  This fire is mine, and you just get away from it.  I built it, and it is mine, mine, MINE!  That is how capitalism works!  I built the fire, so you can not have any of it, unless you have some gold.  Do you?”

“Well, I do, but it is being stored by the company that advertises on your show about how good it is to buy it.  Can I write you a certificate for some of it?”, Carlson asked.  Hannity was livid.  “No!  And you did not say what I wanted you to say, so just like on my shows, I will cut you off.  Go find Stossel.”

Poor little Carlson took off to find Stossel, calling out his name, plaintively.  The almost frozen person finally returned his call.  “Tucker, did you bring any fire with you?”

“Well, no, Sean would not share any with me.  Do you have any peanuts?”

“Yes, I have a pocketful of them.  Want some?”

“Sure!  Thanks!”

“Wait, Tucker!  I need either fire or gold for these peanuts.  Do you have any of those?”

“Well, I have some gold that the folks that advertise on Fox are holding for me.  Is that OK?”

“NO!  I want physical GOLD, and LOTS of it!  You really were fooled by the sponsors, weren’t you?  You really think that if times get hard that they would send you the gold?  HAHAHAHA!  But you might have fire.  I gathered up some firewood, on my own accord, since I know that the government would not find firewood for me.  All that I need is fire, because I never learnt how to make it myself.  If you can find some fire, we can share the wood that I found, for a fee from you to me, in addition to the fire.”

Poor Tucker was hungry, cold, and getting at his (few) wits’ end.  “OK, I will talk to Hannity and see if he will give me some fire.  But you might need to give him some peanuts in return.”

“Hell, no!  Carlson, you are probably the stupidest person I have ever seen.  No PEANUTS for FIRE, ever.  This is part of our platform!  Just do what Congress did in December, and let him keep more of his fire.  He will understand that you just want a little of it, only 30% of it, not nearly 40% of it.  He will be reasonable.”

“OK, John, I will try.  But I am getting cold and weak as it gets darker and colder.”

Stossel:  “No one should take care of you when it gets cold and dark.  You should have provided for yourself!  You should have had a pocketful of peanuts, and a BIC lighter!  Fool!”

Carlson dragged himself over to Hannity’s camp.  “John says that the Congress says that we can take around 28% of your fire.  I want it now.”

Hannity:  “OK, here you go, but you have to carry the live coals in your bare hands.  We can not give you a handout for it.  I resent giving my fire to you, but I want it to hurt you to take it.  But first, where is my gold or my peanuts?  No fire until I get one or the other!”

Carlson:  “My gold is only on paper, and Stossel will not give me any peanuts to give you!  He is full and fat, and you are warm and comfortable, and I am going back and forth, getting more hungry and much colder as we go.”

Hannity:  “Welcome to capitalism!  Your show failed, so now you are hungry and cold.  Nice to see you that way!”

Tucker finally crawled over to the pilot and the assistant’s little camp.  It had enough firewood to keep them from freezing, but not enough to keep them really warm.  They had also developed a food source from the nearby river, catching a fish.  The two of them were not either completely warm not completely full, but they allowed Carlson to join them in their little bit of goodness, provided that he would help them join the collective and provide firewood and food the next day.

Hannity finally starved to death in the third day, and Stossel expired from hypothermia the same day.  Hannity had firewood, but no energy to use it, and Stossel had food but no help to make a fire.

The three, who worked together, not only lived, but thrived.  In 2012 Tucker Carlson began to advocate about the advantages of being a liberal.

Well, an attempt at humor.  What do you think?

Warmest regards,

Doc

Crossposted at Docudharma.com and at Dailykos.com