Ten Reasons why I Shall Vote Republican Next Time 20110709

This is a rare piece, juxtaposed betwixt my regular pieces.  OK, now I got your attention!  I am sorry for the subterfuge.  However, this is actually a more important piece that the title indicates.  Unless you fall into one of the ten categories, there is NO reason to vote for a Republican.

I usually do not use satire in my pieces, except for small snippets, but this idea sort of  screams hyperbole.  I hope that this makes people think.  If it does, I succeeded.  If not, I failed.  You tell me in the comments.

The first five reasons are from propaganda.  The last five are from my own personal wishes.

#10:  I shall vote Republican next time because I am a white male.  It does not matter if they are otherwise against me, but since I am a white male, and they say that they are for white males, I am for them too!  Lies matter not to me.  I am a white male.

#9:  I shall vote Republican next time because I do not belong to any union.  I have been told that unions are evil, and of course I believe it since Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity said so.

#8:  I shall vote Republican because the President is not a United States citizen.  I have been told that from the Tea Party, the conservative talkers, and Michelle Bachman.  If they say it, I know those truths to be self evident.

#7:  I shall vote Republican because I think that the deficit and the National debt is the most pressing problem that we face.  Even though that I am living off of retirement savings, jobs for Americans are a secondary issue.

#6:  I shall vote Republican because I think that tax breaks for large corporations, making billions of dollars, stimulate job creation.  It worked well under G. W. Bush, as I am told by the Fox “News” Network.

Now to reasons that would make me vote for the Republicans.  Unfortunately, those are all contrary to reality, but if I were in those situations, I might just vote that way.

#5:  I would vote Republican because my Daddy died and left me $50 million.  I do not want to give a cent of it to the Treasury!  Let the little people pay.

#4:  I would vote Republican because I am the head of a large corporation that pays no tax after my attorneys get done looking at the dodges.  Hell, some of us even get a REBATE when the loopholes are properly exploited!  And having my highest marginal bracket so low is not bad, either!  Back when Eisenhower was President I would have been taxed at over 80%!  Thank God for the New Republicans!

#3:  I would vote Republican because I run a huge defense contractor corporation.  Not only is it a LEGAL PERSON because of the recent Republican Supreme Court decision, I get lots and lots of money for my fatcat shareholders, and they in turn vote to give me a sinfully large salary and bonus, every year!  I LOVE the current tax code, and give some to what to me is pocket change to the Republicans who keep me in power.  Money is GOOD!

#2: I would vote Republican because they might give me a cushy job as a political appointtee, and since I have no real skills otherwise, that would be cool!  A cushy job and low tax rate rules!

#1:  I would vote Republican because I am a hedge fund trader, and not only do I not draw a salary (so no FICA nor Medicare withholding, although I will be eligible for them), I pay only 15% on my income!  You idiots working for wages and salaries pay over 15% on FICA and Medicare, and then up to over 30% in income tax!  Fools!  Let us say that I had a bad year, and you had a really good one.  The income is $10 million.

For me, I pay NOTHING in FICA and Medicare!  Even if I had to pay both parts, which I do not, since I have no earned income, it gets better for me!  Let us do the numbers!

Out of the $10 million, I pay only 15%!  That comes to $1.5 million, so I walk away with $8.5 million!  You jerks pay around 30% give or take, plus FICA at 7.2% (on your first $106,000) and Medicare at 1.2% on all of it!  Fools!  Now let us run these numbers for the same $10 million.

Your FICA comes to $7632, and your Medicare to $12,000.  Now, let us assume that your top tax bracket is 30%, so you pay another $3 million!  Let us add it all together:

$10 million, minus the $7632, minus the $12,000, minus the $3 million.  I walk away with $8.5 million, and you keep $6.98 million!  What a deal for me!

That is why I will always vote for a Republican!

Now that this is sort of realistic, you all know that I would NEVER vote for a Republican!  These numbers are not fudged, and they are actually a bit more forgiving to the Republicans that the real ones are.

Oh, I did not mention factors that might have included if I might have been old, ill, disabled, or a combination of these factors, and even possibly even more.  Unless you are in the ten (there might be more) situations that I just pointed out, you would be NUTS to vote Republican.  Let me ask you this, as the vast lower and middle class:  How do these Republican ideals help you?  I thought so.  NOTHING.

Please do not judge me too harshly about a very rare political post.  I rarely do them, preferring other topics since the others here do much better jobs on politics.  Muse just happened to awaken me, and she said, “Write about this, or I will NEVER visit you again!”

Warmest regards,

Doc, aka Dr. David W. Smith  


Skip to comment form

  1. being as foolish as REGULAR folks who vote for Republicans are?

    Warmest regards,


  2. R

    11) If, like Santorum, you’re afraid of gay people and fear legal consensual gay sex leads to incest, bigamy, adultery, and “man-on-dog” sex.

    12) Don’t forget if you are pro forced pregnancy and anti-porn.

    13) God buried dinosaur bones just to test our faith.

    14) Drill baby Drill!

    15) Cutting taxes can cure the common cold and paint your house.

    Gosh I can think of plenty more reasons. Why limit the list to 10?

Comments have been disabled.