This is a bit of a departure in that I almost always write about things that have occurred in the past. Tonight is is about something that is scheduled to happen in future. I do not know about all of your tastes, but a cruise does not ring my bell as the ideal vacation for several reasons.
First, I like to make my own decisions. That is why road trips are good. You can go wherever you want, for good or ill, but the choice is yours. The driver(s) control the destination. On a cruise, that is not possible unless disaster strikes.
Second, with a self directed trip, one can choose his or her companions. That is not possible on a cruise. One never knows who will be in the next cabin.
Third, if one is driving, one can just stop and reconsider what is going on, and if one is not enjoying the trip, can turn around and just go home. That is not possible on a sea cruise, unless one becomes violently ill (and that happens more often that the corporations that arrange them would like people to know).
With no more ado, here is my nightmare of a cruise from Hell. The thing is just this: I did not make it up from whole cloth. It is being advertised on the Fox “News” Channel! Here we go!
I told you a couple of weeks ago that I stopped watching the Fox “News” Channel, and that is mostly correct. But with the demise of MSNBC, sometimes I flip to it to see what is going on in wingnut universe. Just as an aside, MSNBC is self destructive. They fired Olbermann AND Cenk, so Tweety and Rachael are about all that are left. Whose idea was it to give Al Sharpton a show? I mean, really! He is OK as a guest now and then, but simply can not control his guests. I could get better information by turning on four radios tuned to different stations. I do not look for Rachael to last too long, because she is too independent. But I digress.
Anyway, here is what you can buy for lots of cash. A trip from (or to?) Hell! Please bear with me whilst I go thought the financial parts first. The rates go from (and this is from the official website, from $1559 for a double occupancy room, with not any look at the ocean, to $3809 for the best one, all double occupancy. They charge you twice for each person. For the best rooms, it is $5999 for a single person. I suspect that they, at these prices, shall not ask questions about your sexual preferences. I think that they should! Perhaps a $1000 surcharge for GLBT folks would be in order, by their thinking. But all of you know that I do not think that way. But THEY do! Money is the most important thing for them.
According to the website, all food is covered with the price. If you want alcohol, it will cost you. Where else are you going to go to find any? I would recommend that you lay in a large supply. Perhaps you capitalists can bootleg drinks to others of your ilk.
But the entertainment is the best! Let us assume that you laid down the six thousand dollar one. Here is what you get. I was just going to cherry pick the best ones, but it is better to copy and paste their ideas:
Things to do onboard…
Work out in the state-of-the-art fitness center
Relax by the pool
Enjoy high tea
Take an arts tour
Pamper yourself in the luxurious spa
Take a class in the Culinary Arts Center
Play paddle tennis
Attend a wine tasting
Surf the Internet
Attend an art auction
See a first-run movie
Enjoy coffee and The New York Times
Relax in a hydrotherapy pool
Check out a book from the library
Just some random thoughts about their activities now.
Yoga? That is not in keeping with conservative ideology, as far as I know.
High tea? That sounds like a drug to me. Remember that Buckley went into international waters to smoke pot so that he could report on it without breaking laws in our Nation. I know that it is a light dinner, but I thought my idea was funny.
Arts? Like Republicans appreciate it!
Take a class in the Culinary Arts Center? That is what you pay for the servants to do!
Attend an art auction? Sure, ships take rare art all of the time, with the risk that the ship might go down. Only a few million dollars worth of art would be there! Give me a freaking break!
Surf the Internet? My God, that must be a first for many of them! LOL!
See a first-run movie? It is probably the one that has to do with the half governor.
Enjoy coffee and The New York Times? This is rich, because I think that they mean the Post.
Relax in a hydrotherapy pool? If you are lucky, one of the people who I am about to tell you about would be in there with you. Finally,
Check out a book from the library? You have got to be kidding me! You go on a cruise and check out a book???? And what library does that ship have?
Now let us get to brass tacks.
Remember, you are stranded at sea on a boat. Now comes the entertainment. I just threw up in my mouth a little, so sorry to take a minute to come back. Here they are! You will LOVE them! I just am using an arbitrary order for them, and it would be different each night, the ever horrible night after night!
Have no fear, however! You can smoke on the cruise. As a matter of fact, real Cuban cigars appear to be available. Since the ship will be in international waters, those pesky trade restrictions with Cuba do not apply.
First comes the idiot Juan Williams, who is already a lock for the cruise. Would it not be nice to see this turncoat babble about how he was “liberated” when The Fox “News” Channel picked up his bull? I am sure that he will not have anything nice to say about NPR, which paid for his kids’ college. Williams is dead to me, and I never liked him very much anyway, because I always thought that he was not sincere. For six grand, you can shake his hand! I would sue him for the same amount if he tried to touch me, because I think that he is the enemy.
But Bill Kristol is also on the list! The former Chief of Staff for Dan Quayle will be there to serenade you with his political nonsense, including how he almost singlehandedly got us to go to war with Iraq. If you want lighter conversation, he could tell you about the old days when he was college roommates with Alan Keyes, or what it like to be Quayle’s brain. He probably not bring up his former criticism of Wikileaks due to the recent revelations about how The “News” Corporation gets its information.
Telebabe Mary Katharine Ham will grace you with her presence as well. I have a mental image of her at the cognac and cigar bar, sipping the spirits and puffing the Cuban cigar. She could woo you with tales about how wonderful it is to work with world class nitwit Tucker Carlson, or how much fun it is to appear as the eye candy on Red Eye with the disgusting Greg Gutfeld. I would be interested in hearing her defend the sexist seating arrangements on that show, ALWAYS an attractive female with lots of legs exposed seated to show herself off as much as possible.
Now, if that is not your cup of high tea, you can let Scott Rasmussen tell you about his questionable polling techniques, if you happen to be a pseudoscientist. Or you have him explain to you why he would not allow the church related rental property that he controls and rents out for weddings to be rented by a lesbian couple. (By the way, after lawsuits he no longer rents it for wedding ceremonies. No matter, not his income, just that of the organization.) If that got boring, he could explain to you just why privatization of Social Security is such a good idea.
If that did not satisfy, you could yuck it up with that funny guy, Fred Barnes. He could tell you what a hoot it laugh it up with Mort Kondracke on the old Beltway Boys show on The Fox “News” Channel, or about the fun that he and the equally hilarious Brit Hume in high school and college. Finally, he could tell you all about what fun it is to make up stories for The Weekly Standard.
For some real excitement, you could enter into conversation with Stephen Hayes and he could tell you all about being selected to write the official biography of Dick Cheney! That would be real fun, especially about the tame quail shoot. For even more fiction, he could tell you about his book called The Connection: How al Qaeda’s Collaboration with Saddam Hussein has Endangered America. I did not realize what a gifted fiction writer that he is.
Have you noticed that most of the featured characters are either associated with The Weekly Standard or The Fox “News” Channel, or both. That is really not surprising. It is the typical right wing incestuous relationships that we have come to expect.
There are more speakers, but no one has ever heard of them. So grab your passport, plunk down the money, and show up at Fort Lauderdale the afternoon of 04 December to beard and for the reception. You will be trapped with (er, be able to spend time with) these characters until the morning of 11 December when you arrive back at Fort Lauderdale. You get six days and nights with them, not to mention all of the other like-minded passengers.
For most normal people, you would return quite insane after being inundated with this much absolute nonsense, but regular readers of The Weekly Standard (who also for the most part are regular viewers of The Fox “News” Channel) are immune. Yes, immune I say! The reason? They are ALREADY insane and this is just a huge dose of crazy reinforcement.
Well, that about does it for this rather unusual installment of Popular Culture. Next week we shall return to The Who, this time discussing the seminal record, Who’s Next. Any comments about fictional characters to make the cruise from Hell even more Hellish are welcome.
Doc, aka Dr. David W. Smith
Crossposted at Daily Kos,
things too horrible to contemplate?