Ten Reasons why I Shall Vote Republican Next Time 20110709

This is a rare piece, juxtaposed betwixt my regular pieces.  OK, now I got your attention!  I am sorry for the subterfuge.  However, this is actually a more important piece that the title indicates.  Unless you fall into one of the ten categories, there is NO reason to vote for a Republican.

I usually do not use satire in my pieces, except for small snippets, but this idea sort of  screams hyperbole.  I hope that this makes people think.  If it does, I succeeded.  If not, I failed.  You tell me in the comments.

The first five reasons are from propaganda.  The last five are from my own personal wishes.

#10:  I shall vote Republican next time because I am a white male.  It does not matter if they are otherwise against me, but since I am a white male, and they say that they are for white males, I am for them too!  Lies matter not to me.  I am a white male.

#9:  I shall vote Republican next time because I do not belong to any union.  I have been told that unions are evil, and of course I believe it since Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity said so.

#8:  I shall vote Republican because the President is not a United States citizen.  I have been told that from the Tea Party, the conservative talkers, and Michelle Bachman.  If they say it, I know those truths to be self evident.

#7:  I shall vote Republican because I think that the deficit and the National debt is the most pressing problem that we face.  Even though that I am living off of retirement savings, jobs for Americans are a secondary issue.

#6:  I shall vote Republican because I think that tax breaks for large corporations, making billions of dollars, stimulate job creation.  It worked well under G. W. Bush, as I am told by the Fox “News” Network.

Now to reasons that would make me vote for the Republicans.  Unfortunately, those are all contrary to reality, but if I were in those situations, I might just vote that way.

#5:  I would vote Republican because my Daddy died and left me $50 million.  I do not want to give a cent of it to the Treasury!  Let the little people pay.

#4:  I would vote Republican because I am the head of a large corporation that pays no tax after my attorneys get done looking at the dodges.  Hell, some of us even get a REBATE when the loopholes are properly exploited!  And having my highest marginal bracket so low is not bad, either!  Back when Eisenhower was President I would have been taxed at over 80%!  Thank God for the New Republicans!

#3:  I would vote Republican because I run a huge defense contractor corporation.  Not only is it a LEGAL PERSON because of the recent Republican Supreme Court decision, I get lots and lots of money for my fatcat shareholders, and they in turn vote to give me a sinfully large salary and bonus, every year!  I LOVE the current tax code, and give some to what to me is pocket change to the Republicans who keep me in power.  Money is GOOD!

#2: I would vote Republican because they might give me a cushy job as a political appointtee, and since I have no real skills otherwise, that would be cool!  A cushy job and low tax rate rules!

#1:  I would vote Republican because I am a hedge fund trader, and not only do I not draw a salary (so no FICA nor Medicare withholding, although I will be eligible for them), I pay only 15% on my income!  You idiots working for wages and salaries pay over 15% on FICA and Medicare, and then up to over 30% in income tax!  Fools!  Let us say that I had a bad year, and you had a really good one.  The income is $10 million.

For me, I pay NOTHING in FICA and Medicare!  Even if I had to pay both parts, which I do not, since I have no earned income, it gets better for me!  Let us do the numbers!

Out of the $10 million, I pay only 15%!  That comes to $1.5 million, so I walk away with $8.5 million!  You jerks pay around 30% give or take, plus FICA at 7.2% (on your first $106,000) and Medicare at 1.2% on all of it!  Fools!  Now let us run these numbers for the same $10 million.

Your FICA comes to $7632, and your Medicare to $12,000.  Now, let us assume that your top tax bracket is 30%, so you pay another $3 million!  Let us add it all together:

$10 million, minus the $7632, minus the $12,000, minus the $3 million.  I walk away with $8.5 million, and you keep $6.98 million!  What a deal for me!

That is why I will always vote for a Republican!

Now that this is sort of realistic, you all know that I would NEVER vote for a Republican!  These numbers are not fudged, and they are actually a bit more forgiving to the Republicans that the real ones are.

Oh, I did not mention factors that might have included if I might have been old, ill, disabled, or a combination of these factors, and even possibly even more.  Unless you are in the ten (there might be more) situations that I just pointed out, you would be NUTS to vote Republican.  Let me ask you this, as the vast lower and middle class:  How do these Republican ideals help you?  I thought so.  NOTHING.

Please do not judge me too harshly about a very rare political post.  I rarely do them, preferring other topics since the others here do much better jobs on politics.  Muse just happened to awaken me, and she said, “Write about this, or I will NEVER visit you again!”

Warmest regards,

Doc, aka Dr. David W. Smith