The box may seem empty but the message is clear-
Play Santa again and I’ll kill you next year
It’s the violent-est season of the year
And Kringlebot has come dispensing mugs of Xmas fear
Sugarplummy visions will be dancing in your head
When I cane you from the comfort of my sled
On Xmas Eve we don our gay apparel
Kevlar vests, asbestos stockings and a barrel
And if Grandma’s Xmas fruitcake finally reaches critical mass
It can be regifted straight to Santa’s ass
But the ornamental armaments are merely superficial
The tinsel and the trappings are just icing on the missile
The one thing that you need to make your Xmas day splendiferous
Is a pine tree
A pine tree that’s coniferous
We have to have a pine tree that’s coniferous
Robanukah may sound as if it’s Jewish
But it’s ancient-sounding customs are exceptionally new-ish
So take a hearty swallow from your robo-kiddush cup
Which will give me time to quickly make them up
Do you spin a dreidel made from clay?
Mine is called a droidl and it’s rigged to make you pay
Do you eat these yummy tin-wrapped chocolate coins?
Better! We have fembots with illegal five-speed groins!
But by far the most important thing is oil
To keep the lamplight burning or to help the latkes broil?
No we pull the holy lubricant up from the sacred vessel
Into this blessed pit so they can wrestle
The extra made-up touch that makes Robanukah so special
Is the oil in which the nasty fembots wrestle
There’s seven basic principles that go to make up Kwanzaa
So sit your asses down and have some knowledge dropped upons ya
Kujichagulia and Umoja and the rest
Now we get it
Sit back down
There’s gonna be a test
My favorite’s Ujamaa
Cooperative economics
Yo, Boondocks, I’m talkin’ here
Put away the comics
Ku’umba is another one
It stands for creativity
Like the ever-changing nature
Of my sexual proclivity
I think there’s one called Nia
But I don’t speak Swahili
Something about a pine tree
And and oil-wrestling dealie?
That’s from Xmas and Robanukah
You plagiarizing lout!
Yeah I’m kinda losing interest here
I best be rollin’ out
But before I go
The most important thing
What’s that black Santa?
You need seven Kwanzaa candles that you light up every night
But they best be made of beeswax or y’all might as well be white
New Tools. Previous entries. Instant gratification-
Zap2it TV Listings, Yahoo TV Listings
This edition good until 6 pm. Now until 11 pm. See you tomorrow at 6 am! Merry ek’s mas.
6 am
- Animal Planet– Puppy Bowl IV
- ESPN– Sports Center marathon until Noon (the last 2 hours are live)
- MSNBC– 24 Hours of Prison Porn
- Nick– Full House Holiday Special
- TBS– Did I mention 25 hours of A Christmas Story? (until 8 pm)
- Turner Classic– Little Women
6:30 am
- Nick– Full House Holiday Special (a different one)
7 am
- ABC Family– Flintstone Christmas
- FX– Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who! x 6 until 7 pm
- History– Challenger Tank
- Travel– Man v. Food marathon until 4 am (thank goodness)
7:30 am
- Nick– Fairly OddParents
- Toon– Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends Christmas Special: A Lost Claus
8 am
- ABC Family– Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town
- History– Da Vinci
- Turner Classic– The Shop Around the Corner
8:30 am
- Bravo– Real Housewives marathon until 5:30 pm
- Nick– Spongebob until 10 am
9 am
- ABC Family– The Year Without a Santa Claus
- Disney– Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation
- Discovery– Dirty Jobs Reindeer Farmer
- History– Bible Conspiracy Theory marathon until 4 am
- National Geographic– Fishing. No. Seriously. Until 3 am.
- Sci Fi– Sea Snakes
- Spike– Star Wars (Triple Feature x 2)
- TLC– Lights! marathon until 1 pm
10 am
- ABC Family– Miracle on 34th Street
- AMC– Scrooged marathon until 6 am (this will be all TheMomCat will be watching)
- Disney– The Ultimate Christmas Present
- Discovery– Mythbusters marathon until 3 am (actually my favorite holiday programming)
- Turner Classic– Susan Slept Here
10:30 am
- Comedy– Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
- E!– The Soup
11 am
- Animal Planet– Cats and Dogs and Pets 101 until 8 pm
- Lifetime– 12 Men of Christmas
- Sci Fi– Frankenfish
- Toon– Olive, the Other Reindeer
- USA– National Treasure (Double Feature)
11:30 am
- Disney– Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas
- Nick– Fairly OddParents
- Turner Classic– A Christmas Carol
Noon
- ABC– Christmas Day Parade
- ESPN– Hoopies, Bulls @ Knicks
- ESPN2– Timbersports! marathon until 2 pm
- Spike– The Empire Strikes Back
- Style– When A Man Loves A Woman
- TNT– King Kong (not the good 1933 version or even the less good 1976 version)
12:30 pm
- ABC Family– Santa Buddies
- Comedy– Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
- Oxygen– Rumor Has It
1 pm
- Lifetime– The Christmas Hope
- Sci Fi– Eye of the Beast
- Turner Classic– Ben-Hur
- TLC– Cakes marathon until 8 pm
1:30 pm
2 pm
2:30 pm
- ABC– Hoopies, Celtics @ Magic
- ABC Family– The Santa Clause
- Comedy– Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey
- Oxygen– Beaches
- TNT– The Librarian: Quest for the Spear (Triple Feature)
3 pm
- Lifetime– The Christmas Blessing
- Sci Fi– Lake Placid 2
- Spike– Return of the Jedi
3:30 pm
- Disney– Phineas and Ferb with Micky’s Once and Twice Upon a Christmas until 7 pm
4 pm
- NBC– Skating
- E!– Knocked Up
- MTV– That ’70s Show marathon until 8 pm
- USA– Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins
4:30 pm
- ABC Familty– Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
- Comedy– Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
- Nick– Curious George
- TNT– The Librarian: Return to King Solomon’s Mines
5 pm
- ABC– Hoopies, Heat @ Lakers
- Lifetime– Comfort and Joy
- Oxygen– Something’s Gotta Give
- Sci Fi– Malibu Shark Attack
- Turner Classic– King of Kings
- TV Land– Independence Day
- VH1– Grease
6 pm
- Bravo– House marathon until 2 am
- TNT– The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice
- USA– The Pacifier
- Vs.– Rocky II
6:30 pm
- Spike– Star Wars (Triple Feature)
7 pm
- ABC Family– Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas x 2
- Comedy– Employee of the Month
- FX– Kung Fu Panda
- Lifetime– Undercover Christmas
- Sci Fi– Shark Swarm (4 hours)
7:30 pm
- ESPN2– College Hoopies, Hawaiian Airlines Diamond Head Classic, Consolation Game
- VH1– Pretty In Pink
8 pm
- ABC– Transformers
- E!– Pride & Prejudice
- ESPN– Nuggets @ Thunder
- Food– Basically a Chopped marathon with some Iron Chef Americas until 4 am
- Oxygen– Titanic
- TBS– The Wizard of Oz
- Turner Classic– The Lion in Winter
- TLC– Cake Boss marathon until 2 am
- TNT– The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
- USA– Elf x 2 until 11 pm
8:30 pm
- Disney– Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation
- Vs.– Rocky III
9 pm
- Lifetime– A Diva’s Christmas Carol
9:30 pm
- Comedy– The Girl Next Door
- ESPN2– College Hoopies, Hawaiian Airlines Diamond Head Classic, Finals
- Spike– The Empire Strikes Back
10 pm
- Animal Planet– Bad Dog! (Series Premier repeat)
- TBS– Surviving Christmas
10:30 pm
- ESPN– Hoopies, Blazers @ Warriors
- Turner Classic– Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
- Vs.– Rocky IV
11 pm
- E!– The Soup
- FX– Archer marathon until 4 am mostly with some Two and a Half Men
- Oxygen– Ocean’s Twelve
- Sci Fi– Sea Beast
- USA– Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins (again)
11:30 pm
- NBC– SNL 10/23
- TNT– The Mummy Returns
Midnight
- ABC Family– Ernest Saves Christmas
- Animal Planet– Bad Dog! (Series Premier repeat)
- Comedy– American Virgin
- Style– When A Man Loves A Woman
12:30 am
- Disney– Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation and marathon until 2:30 am
- Spike– Return of the Jedi
- Vs.– Rocky II
1 am
- Sci Fi– Snakehead Terror
- TBS– My Cousin Vinny
- Turner Classic– Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
1:30 am
- USA– [Hairspray ]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hairspray_%281988_film%29 (the good original version)
2 am
- Comedy– American Pie Presents: The Book of Love
- E!– The Soup
- ESPN2– Hoopies, Celtics @ Magic
2:30 am
- Disney– The Ultimate Christmas Present
3 am
- Sci Fi– Spring Break Shark Attack
- Turner Classic– Ordinary People
- Toon– GitS: SAC 2nd Gig, Poker Face (Episode 14)
3:30 am
- ESPN– Hoopies, Bulls @ Knicks
- TBS– Surviving Christmas
- Toon– GitS: SAC 2nd Gig, Pat (Episode 15)
4 am
5 am
- Turner Classic– Indiscretion of an American Wife
3 comments
Author
I missed the Futurama Holiday Spectacular.
It’s become an Xmas tradition
I finally got Dr. TMC to switch to “A Lion in Winter” from “Scrooged”.
M-i_l has decided to stay the week with us until after New Year’s. She thinks I’m doing to much. I broke my hand not my neck. But hey, she’s a great cook and makes her son clean up. 😉